Why can’t you be what I want?
Why can’t you be more important to me?
Why can’t you be enough?
I hate being lonely. I think it’s the most lame feeling in the world. Besides disappointment. That’s a crappy one too. I beat myself up for even having the emotion of being lonely. Aren’t we supposed to be strong and independent?
So I am trying St. John’s Wart. I think that it will help with my moods. I hope that it does. I did some research and most sites say give it 4 to 6 weeks before you form an opinion. Me and my impatience…. will just have to wait. *sigh*
Nothing new. Gonna start making lists to keep myself doing things. Maybe feeling like I am accomplishing something will make me feel better. I just have a lot of anger inside me towards the world. I hate the hate… so it breeds more hate…. its a vicious cycle. dangit!
Wish me luck!
My friends are very very selfish.
Maybe because I am always so giving and people expect me to always be the ones reaching out. At this point – I don’t have the energy to be reaching out to anyone – I need others to reach out to me – and still…. all they do is make it about themselves. The friends who I actually care about and I would think would be there for me – hardly even ask me if I am okay – or if there is anything they can do. Maybe I just exude this attitude of not wanting help, that they don’t extend, because they feel that I have it all together or something. I don’t get it.
I just know I am pretty upset with the coldness of some people in my life – and how I have put up with it so much when I am stronger, but being in the state that I am in , I just can’t deal with it right now, and that sucks.
So.. I have told some people about what happened to me this weekend – but it’s been hard to explain.
From an outsiders perspective, it may have seemed like I was just really really wasted and took someone home.
This time it was different. I realize that YES I put myself in an extremely vulnerable situation. YES it’s very quite possible that even after saying no, I may have said yes. I realize that anything may have happened… because… I don’t remember. I remember showing up to the bar – where I was already drunk – and having a drink – and then I remember saying ouch no no stop, then waking up naked on my couch.
I have had one night stands before…and yes, I feel bad afterwards, but this time it felt very different. First off – I had no recollection of the person that I had taken home. No idea on hair color, body type, even race. No matter how many times I have done that – or how drunk I have been – I have never completely not remembered the person, especially if I took them home. I also hadn’t had that much to drink to have not remembered that badly (that I could remember…). After assesing the situation in my room to what I woke up to (I’ll spare the details), I decided that I had been violated (sodomy *shudder*). I have never ever ever ever no matter how drunk I have been – been okay with that. When I left the bar, I was being openly sexual with people and openly saying that I wanted to take someone home. I might have wanted to. I just do remember saying no. I know it sounds crazy to not remember the person at all – but then to remember saying no. That just doesn’t seem possible.. but it is true. I do remember saying no, stop stop. I don’t know how else to explain it :\
So I have been really torn. I don’t know how much I lead this person on – I don’t know if I said no then yes. I don’t know. I know that I felt violated and that something just didn’t feel right about the whole thing. So I reported it. I asked myself though – if he hadn’t of sodomized me, would I feel the same way about reporting it? I probably wouldn’t have – so what makes it different?? I suppose the fact that I remember saying no and that wasn’t what I wanted? The police told me that any time a woman is drunk like that – it’s wrong to take advantage of the situation. Hense my confusion.
Well let me tell you… the police apparently take this thing very seriously. The more of a big deal they made everything – the more I questioned if I should have reported it. It’s possible that the person was just a joe schmo and he didn’t realize I was blackout drunk. Or it’s possible that the person was a predator, looking for an easy target. It will be worth it to have reported it if it turns out to be the latter.
I read a lot online about sexual assault and drunken sexual encounters vs. assault, and it has come to my attention that this controversy is almost as controversial as abortion. People get very heated about it- and they almost all have their own take on it. Each case is very unique. I ask myself – well… since I don’t remember.. maybe I egged him on? Or maybe I did try to stop him? There is no way to tell. I guess better safe than sorry? I just don’t want to be thought of as a drunk girl who made a mistake and wants to blame something else for what happened. I don’t blame myself, I don’t blame the other person. It was a combination of things… but in this case, it just didn’t feel right. Something just didn’t feel right.
It’s been a weird few days. I hate hospitals and pills and all that crap – so when they made me go to a hospital for like, 5 hours and then made me take about 10 different pills…. I didn’t know what to think. I had to take more yesterday. So I know that my body has been all out of it – and I kind of feel like I am maybe in a state of shock still.
This has to be the last straw/rock bottom for my drinking. It’s not okay to get blackout drunk, EVER. So I decided also that I have to just completely stop. Not 1 drink. Not 2. Not 6. It’s an issue, and it has to be fixed and I know that it is in my control to do so.
Before this happened, I knew that I had things bothering me and I needed to try to figure stuff out for myself – and I suppose this really just speeds things up. I won’t have to go through another night of feeling bad for myself for getting drunk and doing stupid things. I guess I could take it as a learning experience then. It’s an eye opener to drinking in excess.
I am not so angry that it happened to me. I know that it was kind of something that could have happened a lot sooner – and I am lucky it didn’t. But… it did. So now I just have to move on from it. Thank goodness the docs said it wouldn’t take too long for me to heal, and it could have been so much worse. The person could have been a murderer or something. Then I wouldn’t have been able to change my behavior or reflect on past experiences. If I didn’t make a conscious change and allowed a next time to happen – that could be the one that beats me up or hurts me much worse. That can’t happen. I am a little angry at myself for putting myself in that situation knowing that it’s bad for me so many times. It was the alcohol.
This is it and I have to be okay with the fact that I do have a problem with alcohol, and that I do have issues and problems that cause self destructive tendencies. I am going to try to get some therapy for my quarter life crisis to try to deal with the repressed stuff that has been coming out WAY more lately. It’s been really hard. I have nothing but time – since I don’t have a job. Nothing but time to let my brain run wild.
I gotta figure something out.
UPDATE: The bastard also stole my guitar. wtf.
sssoooo mad at myself. So so so so mad. SO MAD. AAAHHH!!! I AM SO DUMB!! SSSOOO STUPID!! SUCH AN IDIOT!!!
The feeling of
5 x 5
takes me to the future
the future I have made
but
my future quickly becomes my past
mistake infused
glee infested
lost pieces of memories
that find themselves
places to hide
moving forward, supposed to leave them behind
but I want to remember
yesterday’s faults
and I want to forgive
myself.
the feeling of
5 x 5
takes over
and I just can’t move on.
me.
Sometimes I read blogs and I wonder what the people look like who are blogging… a lot of times people don’t put photos, but here ya go. Me. Empty handed.
So I have been wondering a lot about the things that have been unfolding in my life and thinking about how things could have been different if even just one small thing changed. So then I start imagining how things could have been… and I wonder if there really are an infinite number of realms of possibility all existing at the same time as each other… and we create the one we live in, but the others continue to exist on their own. That’s kind of what makes me think that everything happens as it’s supposed to – because the energy in the universe flows to it’s “chosen” path. I think about consciousness and how our perception/interpretation of it could be totally wrong. These bodies are machines and our minds are too. We just don’t know how to work them. It’s like putting an infant in front of a G4 Mac and wondering how long it will take to put together a spreadsheet. We can’t possibly understand – we just don’t have a capability to. So is it worth it to think about it and wonder and study – will we EVER figure it out???!!! Are we supposed to? I wish I knew even a teeny tiny piece that we were missing – even that would make me feel validated. Because right now I feel like that baby in front of the computer… and all I can do is bang on the keys and hopefully make some words.
our conscious selfhood is not an accidental cosmic side-effect, a fleeting electromagnetic discharge generated by a temporary configuration of subatomic particles at some point in space and time. Rather each center of consciousness is itself an absolute, irreducible unit of reality.
I am today.
I am tomorrow.
I am yesterday.
I am this morning.
I am this afternoon.
I am tonight.
I am right now.
But I am not you.
I am not me.
Please just let me be.
