alive

So - this weekend and these past few days have been interesting.

I feel like a broken record the way I recount my experiences, and I don’t know exactly what to do differently.

I don’t feel like there is anything I am doing wrong - at least not to me - but when people don’t get what they want…. and you have the power to give it to them - they get angry. Angry, hurtful, personal… selfish.

I am not a selfish type of person - but people who accuse me and make me feel like I am being selfish because they are not getting what they want out of me angers me …. and it makes my attitude towards them change. Then, I do become selfish.

I will not “give in” to anyone who makes me feel like I am doing too much for myself…. because I only just recently adapted a new outlook on being more in tune with myself than letting my decisions be completely based off of other people and what they want.

Now… I’m doing what I want.

It’s hard. I don’t like it. I keep telling myself I will be happier in the end, and that all the strife and the hurting that has happened in the past due to constantly giving in is worse than whatever I am feeling now.. which I can’t exactly put my finger on. And if I give in… then I am going right back to the way things always were, and there’s no change or progress.

On a completely different note than the one that is the tone of today’s blog .. I bought my third eye blind tickets today. Excited about that….but even then… not too stoked because I feel so bogged down by everything else.

The stress is making my stomache have massive freak outs.

I took too much relora trying to calm myself down and it’s taking days to get it all out of my system - my pee is still neon green after 2 days (sorry for the TMI).

Anyway - this is my last week of work. I better make use of the time that I have here… even if it is a short while. I am glad it’s already almost 3. The time is whizzin by.

I was slightly dissapointed with the turnout last night at the show - but the bands still did a great job. I was stoked that The Hoods busted out a suprise set. Crazy.

I like being busy

I know that I like to be busy. I like to have things to do - and feel like I am making some kind of progress. If I don’t… I get depressed and feel meaningless.

Right now - I have a lot to do so it justifies my existence. Then when I say that I need a break - does that mean I can’t handle all the work like I think I can?

It’s just all the shows. I can’t let them overwhelm me. I look at my calendar and when I actually mentally process all the things that I am doing - I get anxious. So I have to just keep going and keep doing it and not think about it.

All the steps are coming together. I can’t believe we got approved for another dance party. I really didn’t think that would happen. That’s pretty freakin cool. So now more things to prepare for. I bought a 12 foot banner to put outside of the venue too - so I am pretty stoked about that. It’s a digitally printed banner… I kind of wanted the vinyl lettering, but digital works - its cheaper… and you’ll still be able to see it from the street and that’s what’s important.

I get to go in and put the lights up tomorrow - I am excited but at the same time nervous about putting something in there that’s somewhat permanent. We have a lot going on though - so I might as well…I have something around 15 shows coming up not including the dance party.

It’s exciting!!!!

I get to record my stairway band on thursday - I can’t believe how fast the whole thing is over … this summer went so fast!

I tried to work myself out yesterday to where I would be sore today - but it didn’t work. I will have to try again today. I did do a decent amount of running - almost 3 miles non-stop… and I didn’t slow down - I guess the crappy part of gaining stamina is that you have to work out harder and longer….

I keep waking up super early and my body is like, okay time to wake up - but I don’t want to so I force myself to go back to sleep and then I wind up being more tired than if I would have just gotten myself up earlier. I think that next time I wake up - I should just get up. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to see if I have more energy during the day….

Alright I’m done.

Trialing tribulations.

I do what I want.
I know that I am doing.
I work.

That’s it. Just had to do a sort of self proclaimation. I had to write it down. Maintain collected confidence and continue on the path. Every step is a step forward. Even if I do a few backsteps, it’s never back the same way I came. New areas, new foraging. Now is it.

I love it.

relora

So there is this awesome herbal supplement called Relora that has since been discontinued from my favorite Vitamin store - Vitamin World (my disneyland of health…yaaayyy!!) - and they had them all on sale for like, 3 bucks a bottle so I bought them. All of them.

They are marketed as a weight loss supplement - but… it’s weight loss that is related to stress… so it’s more of a stress reducer. They say to take 1 pill 3 times a day. However, I have learned that if I am crazy stressed or having a terrible day - or in some kind of panic attack … that I can take 3 at one time and it basically chills me out. I stop freaking out and relax. Now… I didn’t find this out by ‘experimenting’ with it.. I just noticed one time when I took two because I forgot to take one that the effects were greater.

I only take it when I am feeling particularly stressed. You can find more information on it here: Relora book

Anyway - I like it. It’s natural herbs so I don’t feel like I am putting anything synthetic into my body. Woo!

This weekend I don’t have any shows (that I am putting on at least) - I think it’s the first weekend in over a month that I actually don’t have a show. YAY! I still have to work at the boardwalk tomorrow night and run the light board but that’s relatively stress free

Yeeessss!!

dance it off…

So I have been really stressed lately - and yesterday I was a ball of rage. Walking down the street with the look of death in my eyes ready to spring on anyone that disagreed or even anyone who wanted to engage in human interaction with me. It wasn’t really pretty. I am suprised I actually went to lunch with Sarah and didn’t blow up on her.

I wanted to go home from work and go to the gym and work out until I passed out so I could release some of this stress and hopefully make myself feel better…. and I got home - and did get to go to the gym - and I pushed myself but not as hard as I probably could have. I still had energy when I got home - it’s hard to wear myself out…. anyway so I remembered that my friend Eve said she wanted to go out to Old I and dance - so I wound up meeting up with her but she didn’t even get to my apartment until 11. The she drove all the way out to roseville to get Colin and we went out.

It felt really good to get out and not be working and just dance and see people that I knew yelling my name as I walked up hahahaha, I feel like such a celebrity when people do that. It’s awesome. For some reason other people enjoy yelling my name… ?

This whole losing my “student” job thing is killing me. I keep wondering what the hell I am going to do with myself and I want to get a job .. but I dont know where - I don’t know what kind of job - it’s just a big change… HUGE change. I just want to focus on my shows….

So I got to dance off all the stress…and it WORKED! This morning I didn’t feel like waking up and coming into work so I slept in…..I rolled out of bed around 10:30 and then strolled in…. come to find out my boss isn’t even here (again!). It is really really hard to be motivated to come into work knowing that I only have 2 more weeks here…. with hardly anything to do. Not only that - unemployment sent me a thing saying that I am eligible for unemployment - so I just want to stop working now and start getting unemployment …. then I can do my shows and work on promoting all day instead of coming in here! *sigh*

Well - se la vie. I will continue to push forward. Do what I need to do…. work hard and try very hard not to get in a rut and become pessimistic or get in a “hate the world” attitude. But it’s really tough these days. Real tough.

yadseut

Why does this tuesday feel like a monday? How come every day feels like a monday? Like the cosmos and the universe has been telling me lately that time is standing still.

Each day, each thing that I do, I somehow don’t feel like it is making progress. Like… all this mumbo jumbo about change and progression of people and life … I had an interesting experience today that made me think…

So I went to a meeting with a guy today to hear a schpeal about some type of affiliate internet type buisness. It’s basically middle man work… but you can make some money if you put a decent amount of work into it. It’s something to do on the side. So he gives me this example of this guy - in his early 40’s apparently. He has visited every continent on the earth except for 1 (or so he told me) and he is completely independently wealthy through this online buisness. He used to be a school bus driver.
Okay so I think to myself …. this guy - traveling all around, seeing the world… what is that doing to positively affect the world? is he traveling around helping people? or just sight seeing? is he going to write a book about his travels.. to share his knowledge of what he learned? is he taking pictures to share…? Or is he just traveling around. This old school bus driver… using up air space, world space… “seeing” things. Is he becoming fully happy by seeing all these things in his life - and being able to be “free” and do what he wants?? is he studying something? Learning? So I ask myself… well… someone can be happy being a school bus driver. Does one have to travel the world, see what is out there… ? Does it really matter if all that you have from it is yourself? Perhaps this guy had some other motive… but who knows what that was. I really wondered about this school bus driver turned world traveler….And how many of those there are out there in the world - who just use their wealth to go “see” things.

What do you think??

what weekend?

I was in a serious mood all weekend. At the dance party I was at the door all night - didn’t drink, didn’t dance. Nothing. Just worked at the door - and thank goodness for Ryan and Emily - who, without, I would have never been able to run the door in any kind of sane fashion.

Then Saturday I got up - went to bootcamp … then worked on some stuff at home - bought a few groceries - and then went to the movies with a friend. Saw the new Batman movie. I thought the whole thing was one giant action scene and the dialog was TERRIBLE. Now… granted the dialog doesn’t have to be the best thing in the world - but come on people. The action scenes were pretty bad ass though I will have to give them that. Overall I was kind of impressed, I wouldn’t have really gone out of my way to see it if I knew what it would have been like - maybe I should see it again? Sometimes the second time around I like movies better. We also missed the very beginning of the movie and I think that really bothered me throughout the whole thing. Just because I learned so much about movie beginnings in college and how important they are to the story. Eh. Maybe I will go see it again.
after the movie I went to a few bars and my roommate was out with his girlfriend and he was drunk. I ran into a bunch of people that I knew - and attempted to go to a dance party - but I didn’t drink and it was really late already so I just walked home alone …

Anyway - so saturday I missed a good friend’s wedding reception. I wrote it down in my planner and somehow completely missed it. I am so bummed. And I don’t have his number to get a hold of him since I had lost my phone - I feel like such a terrible friend

Sunday I did laundry and a ton of band junk online. I now tell people to email me instead of myspace about shows - it’s SO much easier to keep track of dates that way.

I bought a bunch of blueberries since they were on sale at safeway, woohoo! And two avocados and some carrots. I read online about eating too many carrots turning you a orange-ish color (when I was on the carrot kick a week or so ago) and I thought that was a GREAT way to get a nice glow. I need more carrots! I ate an entire avocado yesterday that I mashed up and mixed some chicken into then ate it with some organic chips. It was really good. Yesterday I was so lethargic and I layed around almost all day - my whole body was just exhasted and I could barely get around the house and do anything without feeling almost narcoleptic.

This week is an interesting week. I hope the show goes well tonight - that way I will have money for this week - because if it doesn’t I could potentially be screwed at least until payday on friday. I am feeling much better about myself lately - and I know that it’s directly related to exercise, food and not drinking.

I wanted to party this weekend - but it just didn’t work out. Oh well. Maybe next weekend.

the terminator

So this whole budget thing and executive order that Arnold signed yesterday has put everyone around here in the office in a tissy! My job is barely hanging on - and I have been told that at any moment I could be unemployed.

It’s actually kind of exciting…..thinking that I wouldn’t have to go to work. I mean - I know that I would eventually - but I started pondering … and trying to come up with alternate ways to make money or how to survive off that last paycheck… and I found myself coming up with some interesting ideas which sparked my brain and now I kind of want to be unemployed (until my phone bill comes)….

It was akward to clean out my desk yesterday, say bye to everyone, turn in my badge…. and then … come back today. People seemed happy to see me though, and had work for me to do right away.

Today is a short day though - have to go set up for the dance party tonight. I am still sore from bootcamp and dancing all night last night, so I’ll probably just work the door until I get the urge and have to dance….which WILL happen.

The last dance party was on a thursday and we had 220 people - and we have been promoting the hell out of this thing ALL month long and it’s on a friday - so I can’t imagine how it’s going to turn out. Really excited.

sleeeep

I am falling asleep at my desk.

I had a show last night - the worst show ever at the upstairs - and the most expensive show ever.

The bands, however, said they had an amazing time. Soooo… as long as the bands are happy - I am good. I just wish there would have been people there to see them play.

I partied like crazy yesterday - went to bed around 4am then woke up at 7am for a job interview - then work. The bands might still be at my house. I just want to go home and sleeeeep.

It was nice to see the A Thorn for Every Heart again and I’m looking forward to seeing them the end of august. The Lives of Famous Men were certainly nice chaps as well.

Friday is the huge dance party - the 2nd one we have done….and this time its on a friday so it’s going to be way more off the hook than the last one. And maybe I’ll make back some of the money that I lost on the show last night. AAHHH!!

I did get drunk last night - but I didn’t do anything I regret… so that’s good! I am just so sleepy. Is it better to be a sleepy zombie all day or to go home and sleep?!

when life happens….

Everybody goes through things every day that helps to mold the reality they live in. When I am on the bus, walking down the street… I listen. I listen to people and what they are going through. I try to figure out or imagine how that person is feeling or what could be going on. When I see people on the bus with a scowl on their face, or looking at the window longingly … I sometimes want to go ask them what’s going on in their head. I don’t know why I want to know. I think maybe just the desire to have a greater understanding of the humans. ?? I also love watching human interaction because everyone is so different. Even me. I question myself a lot of times and sometimes I wonder if people see me and wonder what’s going on in my head…. or if they are just so wrapped up in their own ?? Anyway — just some thoughts I wanted to throw out there.

I am still freaked out by Friday when I was crying like a maniac - I don’t think I have ever cried like that in front of someone else before - ever. I think it was one of those things where I started crying about one thing - and then my friend was asking me about my brother (who died this year) so I started crying about that - and then he was asking me about the rest of my family so I started crying about that - oh man I was a blabbering mess. I should feel okay about it but for some reason I feel like I was weak and shouldn’t have shown that side of myself… but then again - I guess it’s okay to cry sometimes like that? It was a new experience for me lets just put it that way. If clarity is less than confusion than process. I am currently processing.