Yea I know..

Yea I know that life is unexpected. Yea I know that things can change in an instant, but how come when something happens, somehow even though I know… I am still surprised? How do you live a life with the impending doom of everything? The unknown… whether it be good or bad…whatever it is.. the ups and downs. This is different. This feels different. This feels real… but also feels unreal. It’s scary. What is so scary about it? The extremes… that is where I go. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to keep starting over. Isn’t that life though? Every day is starting over. Every day is a new day. If that is true, doesn’t that mean that every day is an opportunity to change things? What is the point of any of it. I don’t even know. I don’t even know if I care anymore.

whatever

“do whatever you want.”

that is not encouraging.

it doesn’t matter that someone gives you a big ol’ pep talk – or attempts to tell you what you should do with yourself and your time when you are feeling down about something and then ends it with – “well, do whatever you want”.. when I wasn’t even arguing. I guess I was looking for more of a supportive pep talk of “of course you are valuable, of course someone should hire you, you have all kinds of skills”… but I guess it wasn’t a pep talk. I am just so dan frustrated with being unemployed. So frustrated. this sucks

well

I don’t get the new years thing. I wanted to get it. I hoped for something more … not so much expected… I hoped. And apparently hoping is too much. There will be no fireworks and romantic kiss. There will be no balloon dropping and warm embraces with someone you love. Nope. That is too much to ask. Too much to hope for… and in hoping for and wanting it – I am in the wrong… because then I become emotional .. and that’s no good. A gal likes romance. Not all the time, but sometimes… she does. And sometimes women get emotional. We are emotional beings. But when being emotional… it doesn’t help to be told, “cut it out you are being emotional”. I just want to have a good time. I don’t want anyone else’s past to come into my night and make me feel bad for wanting attention. I don’t know if this is a good idea. Sometimes it is a great idea.. sometimes it doesn’t really seem like it. I need to cheer up. Buck up! Be happy with myself, be happy with the year, look forward to the future (but without expectations or hope… because that just breeds disappointment)… Where do you go from there? 2012.. just a string of days – a string of moments – a string of weeks – just have to take them one day at a time… one moment at a time. I wish there was something more I could do. I wish there was something else I could do. I wish I knew what to do. All this wishing isn’t doing me any good. Maybe it is true.Maybe love is scary and love brings about things you wouldn’t normally think about. Maybe I fell in love, maybe I am falling in love, maybe I just care too much. Maybe I just hate to see someone I care about in such a negative mood…maybe I am overthinking? Maybe I just want to have a good time. All these things going around and around and around… what’s next…

New ?

I hadn’t written in this blog in a long time, and when I did, a couple people actually read it. I thought this was my little space in the cyber world to ramble about whatever it is I felt like rambling about at the time…didn’t think anyone still followed this thing… As far as my current ramblings… today I guess i was in sort of a blah mood. I didn’t feel like I was in a blah mood, until someone said something, then I was like, hmm.. I guess I am sort of in a blah mood. I don’t even know what that means. It is sort of in the middle of angry and happy. Mostly apathetic but not even caring enough to be apathetic… just… blah. It isn’t negative or positive.. I guess sort of the neutron of moods. 

It was an interesting day. Sort of contemplative… of what.. I couldn’t tell you. I have been feeling like the foods I am eating are starting to get to me.. I have been eating a lot of crap and fast food.. which I never used to do before – I couldn’t have told you the last time I ate fast food, now I eat it probably every day. It’s because I am so unsettled. 

I need to post another blog about my unsettledness and not really having a “home.”

 

What can I do?

What can I do? I am not really sure. I am stubborn. I want to finish what I start. I guess I should be appreciative when someone else steps in to help, but when I become frustrated and someone comes in and says, “here, you are getting frustrated… let me take over.. don’t worry about it.” It makes me MORE frustrated. It is hard for me to let things go that I have become frustrated or worked up about. I need to do some meditating. My heart is racing and I could feel myself getting angry and worked up. Because I didn’t want to stop working on something that I started.

something new

I haven’t posted on here in a really long time – there are so many things that have changed and a lot of things that haven’t changed. I read through my previous posts and can obviously sense the unhappiness and angst in the posts… a lot of that is sort of still underlying but I seem to be doing a better job of coping with it. My life hasn’t turned out how I imagined , actually nothing has been working out as I imagined lately…but… I am alright. Having a place to stay, some occasional work, my friends, my boyfriend and my own freedom has been a huge factor in trying to consider the things I am thankful for… and not let myself get into a rut. It is easy to do though. It is easy to get unmotivated and it is easy to feel like nothing is working out… so I just have to be constantly fighting those feelings of wanting to give up. It’s so strange… I never had those feelings before – I was always motivated, always doing something, always busy. I am not really like that anymore. The thought of being super busy makes me tired just thinking about it. I used to love being busy. Maybe I still do? I haven’t been consistently busy in a long time. I have had busy days don’t get me wrong, but never been busy overall. I notice myself saying a lot, “just trying to keep busy”…but I wonder what that actually means?
What if I said, “oh just relaxing, taking it easy”…. I guess the second one definitely has a more positive ring to it. I enjoy being alive, but it is hard to find much happiness in things as if I build myself up and get let down so I don’t build myself up anymore. I overthink… and overthink and overthink. I am having a good day today, except that I am sort of overthinking and just trying to motivate myself. Guess I should get started on something?

wow

So…. it’s been a really long time since I have posted anything on here. I have been talking to myself a lot, but not sharing much. Because I am a broken record. I keep telling myself the same things and I am realizing that you can only break a cycle by ACTING and THINKING differently… and not going back to what you thought before….or losing hope in yourself.

You have to have some sort of faith in yourself even though you are human. I think that’s why I have such a hard time with forgiving myself, just because I know the capacity to which we are all capable of being,  and that is scary.  But fear breeds guilt, it breeds sadness and it breeds control….it also creates patterns of behavior.

I don’t want to be scared.

why can’t you be

Why can’t you be what I want?

Why can’t you be more important to me?

Why can’t you be enough?

I hate being lonely. I think it’s the most lame feeling in the world. Besides disappointment. That’s a crappy one too.  I beat myself up for even having the emotion of being lonely. Aren’t we supposed to be strong and independent?

herbs

So I am trying St. John’s Wart. I think that it will help with my moods. I hope that it does. I did some research and most sites say give it 4 to 6 weeks before you form an opinion. Me and my impatience…. will just have to wait. *sigh*

Nothing new. Gonna start making lists to keep myself doing things. Maybe feeling like I am accomplishing something will make me feel better. I just have a lot of anger inside me towards the world. I hate the hate… so it breeds more hate…. its a vicious cycle. dangit!

Wish me luck!

my friends…..

My friends are very very selfish.

Maybe because I am always so giving and people expect me to always be the ones reaching out. At this point – I don’t have the energy to be reaching out to anyone – I need others to reach out to me – and still…. all they do is make it about themselves. The friends who I actually care about and I would think would be there for me – hardly even ask me if I am okay – or if there is anything they can do. Maybe I just exude this attitude of not wanting help, that they don’t extend, because they feel that I have it all together or something. I don’t get it.

I just know I am pretty upset with the coldness of some people in my life – and how I have put up with it so much when I am stronger, but being in the state that I am in , I just can’t deal with it right now, and that sucks.