something new

I haven’t posted on here in a really long time – there are so many things that have changed and a lot of things that haven’t changed. I read through my previous posts and can obviously sense the unhappiness and angst in the posts… a lot of that is sort of still underlying but I seem to be doing a better job of coping with it. My life hasn’t turned out how I imagined , actually nothing has been working out as I imagined lately…but… I am alright. Having a place to stay, some occasional work, my friends, my boyfriend and my own freedom has been a huge factor in trying to consider the things I am thankful for… and not let myself get into a rut. It is easy to do though. It is easy to get unmotivated and it is easy to feel like nothing is working out… so I just have to be constantly fighting those feelings of wanting to give up. It’s so strange… I never had those feelings before – I was always motivated, always doing something, always busy. I am not really like that anymore. The thought of being super busy makes me tired just thinking about it. I used to love being busy. Maybe I still do? I haven’t been consistently busy in a long time. I have had busy days don’t get me wrong, but never been busy overall. I notice myself saying a lot, “just trying to keep busy”…but I wonder what that actually means?
What if I said, “oh just relaxing, taking it easy”…. I guess the second one definitely has a more positive ring to it. I enjoy being alive, but it is hard to find much happiness in things as if I build myself up and get let down so I don’t build myself up anymore. I overthink… and overthink and overthink. I am having a good day today, except that I am sort of overthinking and just trying to motivate myself. Guess I should get started on something?

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