thinking about alternate realities and energy

So I have been wondering a lot about the things that have been unfolding in my life and thinking about how things could have been different if even just one small thing changed. So then I start imagining how things could have been… and I wonder if there really are an infinite number of realms of possibility all existing at the same time as each other… and we create the one we live in, but the others continue to exist on their own. That’s kind of what makes me think that everything happens as it’s supposed to – because the energy in the universe flows to it’s “chosen” path. I think about consciousness and how our perception/interpretation of it could be totally wrong. These bodies are machines and our minds are too. We just don’t know how to work them. It’s like putting an infant in front of a G4 Mac and wondering how long it will take to put together a spreadsheet. We can’t possibly understand – we just don’t have a capability to. So is it worth it to think about it and wonder and study – will we EVER figure it out???!!! Are we supposed to? I wish I knew even a teeny tiny piece that we were missing – even that would make me feel validated. Because right now I feel like that baby in front of the computer… and all I can do is bang on the keys and hopefully make some words.

something is brewing…..

Don’t know what it is ….it’s been brewing inside me for a while. It’s this cycle that I have been trying to break out of my entire life, but somehow I am still stuck in it. How much of it can I attribute to circumstances beyond my control and how much of it can I attribute to myself? Where you do say – I can’t do anything about this. ? I have always said where there is a will there is a way – and that anything is possible. Am I really not putting myself into things? Am I just pretending to myself? I don’t know what the hell I am doing, and I just try to stay positive but the lingering demon chickens are always pecking at me. I don’t know where to go from here. I really don’t. I get myself stuck – or did I ? Is it the uncertainty that leads me to this? Or is it just frustration? Is it frustration with myself or with others? Can the angst go away with stability? It’s all in my head so I know that it’s in my control – so why can’t I deal with it? What does deal with it even mean? Oh what a way to start today. :\

why is it…

It’s been a LONG time since I have gotten on here and posted anything.

But… nothing has changed but at the same time… everything is different.

I need a job. correction.. I don’t need a job, I just need a way to pay my rent.

I’m tired, but happy. My emotions are outta control. OUT OF CONTROL.

I know it won’t calm down anytime soon so I just accept it. *sigh* tis life.
Just live it.

I think a lot.

Sometimes I want to post a lot more on here. But I don’t.

So much changes every day and so many things could happen. The possibilities are so endless every day. Everything we know and everything we see could change in an instant… so what’s the point of ever getting comfortable? Should I just stay in and not go out and limit the possibilities of what could happen tonight? And is staying in really limiting anything or just changing the context of what could possibly happen? Anything could STILL happen.
I’m screwed either way. No control damnit!!

2008 Recap

In trying to look back over 2008 and evaluate some of the things that happened… I opened up my planner and heres a little month by month recap of some of the highlights and lowlights of my year.

January
Working on shows at the upstairs
Supergiant turned 5 years old
Mom came to visit
Went to digital download tour for 3 days straight with Lizzy

February
started short film on my roommate
Started TEAM GOLD for self against city
Lost my phone
Broken Iris played on KCRA 3
My brother died

March
Went to AZ for my brothers Funeral
Saw my dad for the first time in 8 years
Did lights for the Matches and FTSK at the boardwalk

April
Started the “jungle” for my balcony
Produced skips vocal showcase at the upstairs
Did some side work for Joe cleaning foreclosed houses
Started bootcamp program at the gym

May
Finished film project
Went to Kaboom in SF with Jenn
Roommate painted my apartment
Had a show with We Shot The Moon at the upstairs
Graduated from Sac State
Went to LA for work – Stream Naturalization Class

June
Started Stairway to Stardom program as a Coach
First ever Shoot The Lights out @ the upstairs
Went to a lot of dance parties
Put on the last metal show ever at the Underground

July
Turned 24 – had a crazy dance party
Went to the sammies and made a complete ass of myself
Lost my phone twice in a week
Had A Thorn For Every Heart play the upstairs
Had a band crash at my apartment
Drank too much

August
Shoot the lights out 2 @ the upstairs
Stairway to Stardom concert
Recorded with my stairway band
HOODS played at the upstairs
Lost my job

September
All upstairs shows were canceled including shoot the lights out 3
Moved some shows to boardwalk
lost over $500 on shows
Roommate moved out
Worked on American Idol for 8 days
Went to see Third Eye Blind for the 20th time
Worked doing telemarketing for a republican movie for two weeks

October
Was sick for two weeks
Went to apple hill
Left for the salton sea
Worked 12 to 16 hour days at the salton sea

November
Came back from the salton sea
Judged battle of the bands at club retro
Started work grading standardized tests
Hung out with On The Last Day

December
Only had work for 8 days out of the month
Hung out with Brave Citizens
Had a roommate move in and move out
Went to a dance party and made an ass of myself (again)
Lost my phone (again)
Mom came to visit
Moved my bedroom into the bigger room in my apartment

when?

So tonight I have been feeling somewhat inspired.

Also- the naming of my blog, “talking to myself”… I started this blog way before Stephan Jenkins wrote this INCREDIBLE song.. I suppose great minds think alike. heh:

WATCH THE VIDEO AND READ ALONG….

Every moment of your life
Is a chance to get it right
Any moment you’ve been living in
You could turn it on like a light
All the weight of the years
Has got me burstin’ into tears
Standin’ here with nothin’
I stand alone inside my fears

Like an atom reveals a deeper state
Well I swear for me tonight
It’s not too late

To tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I’ll mean it
Even when I’m talking to myself
I said maybe, it’s you and only you and no one else

How I miss Moscow
Those people really know
How to have a good time
In a mixed up state of mind
And Monotov’s Private Opera is closed
So I guess I’ll go home now
Cause there’s no wheres else to go

And I will tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I will mean it
Even when I’m talking to myself
I said baby, it’s you and only you and no one else
You and no one else

Now I’m stuck inside a poem
And then I’m walkin by myself
In the dark, all alone
And these actors and dramatists
They won’t send me home

Well, maybe I’m like my father
Strung out on something or another
Held to a standard
We were always sinking under
And maybe I’m like my mother
She shattered cause no one loved her
Maybe I, Maybe I am like no other

And some moments are more real than the books I’ve read
And a good woman, maybe she meant what she said
Cause to feel you now ya know, it goes straight to my head

So I’ll tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I will mean it, even when I’m talkin’ to myself
I said baby, it’s you and only you and no one else
Talkin’ to myself
Talkin’ to myself

And everything changed in a day
And I know another one on the way
And I’ll tell you
Everything changed in a day
And I know another one is on the way

Probably listening to that song, and the other new 3eb songs got me in this moood -but I wanted to write so I sent a friend a little ditty i wrote:

I think that
all we need is something to believe in.
or maybe it’s just me…
but I don’t quite know what this thing could possibly be.
Or maybe I do -
I’ll find out tomorrow…
but today won’t go away.

anyway – so I am sitting in my apartment – it’s a little chilly but I have been using the heater too much these days and I am still broke so I shouldn’t use it.

I noticed though that my concept of what to spend money on is very odd.  I don’t have a problem buying a band dinner, but then I won’t turn the heater on so I don’t have to spend money on the heating bill. Where are my priorities?! ha

My whole world is so whirly right now… I keep going back and forth with things – my concept of time and my perception of things have been freaking me out. Today – I was a little freaked out… I was in the bathroom at my work – and I was sitting on the toilet and I saw someone come into the stall next to me. I saw their shoes… their jeans… heard the door close of their stall.   I came out of my stall and there was no one else in the bathroom. No one in the stall next to me. Nothing. I went over to the door to see if maybe someone had just left and I didn’t hear the door, but the door made a lot of noise and no one was standing outside or near it or anything. So weird. I couldn’t really explain that. I swear, I saw the ladies shoes and everything. Weird. Very weird.

I am glad that I have the internet at home right now… but at the same time… I kind of liked not having it so that I wouldn’t sit here for hours. It forced me to read. Although this is better than sitting on the couch watching a movie or just zoning out.

I wonder when I zone out – what our brains are doing. It’s like I am not really thinking of anything specific, and then I have to snap out of it and I don’t even realize how long I have been “zoning”.

More oddness. There is something going on. Still.

Anyway….. I guess I am done.

I feel okay?

when a cat goes crazy….

Sooo… My sister bought my cat a  new collar, a shiny pink one that glitters. It also has a bell on it. This bell at first I thought my cat would be irritated with it, but… turns out she loves it. She loves it so much that when she first got it, she ran through the house like a crazy cat and managed to knock over the TV tray that had my laptop sitting on it and have it land directly on its connector cable. Not sure what exactly happened… but my laptop doesn’t work anymore. The connection to the cord is lose. I tried to open my computer up and maybe just put it back in place if something may have become dislodged… but after taking out all the screws… it still didn’t come apart very easily so I decided against continuing to pull it apart – I couldn’t really take the cracking noise. It didn’t really sound right.

So I am at a coffee shop on the internet. Doing the email/myspace check and also seeing how much money I have in my bank account. I think I am okay right now. I am supposed to get another paycheck sometime soon, but I am not exactly sure when…. I thought it was supposed to be today.

I got another temp job so I will be able to work for another month. That’s great – because I was worried about not making rent in January.

I should get to walking home though. I always feel bad spending too much time on these public computers cause someone always needs to use it. That’s a whole nother blog though.

latest update

soooo….. I haven’t had an epiphany yet.

The third eye blind concert didn’t even bring me any kind of enlightenment that I was semi-expecting. I have been so numb-ish lately trying to decode my own behavior. I just know that whatever I am doing, I am letting more of my subconscious do the directing… since my brain and most of my heart has been disagreeing.

But.. they say that radically changing your behavior patterns is hard (don’t they? who the hell is they??!!). So I continue to do things out of character or even against what I feel like I have done in the past. It’s kind of like tough love that I am doing to myself.

But… in doing this, somehow its pushing my emotions back. It’s like – I don’t feel much. Not much sadness, happiness, disappointment, anger or anything. I am just…. here.

I can’t tell if it’s bad or if it will pass or what’s going on… and in searching for spiritual and/or conscious guidance, I find myself back to square 1 every time and in the essence of just “being”.

My patience is being very tested lately and I believe that is where some of the questions are coming from. But the more questions that I ask, the more I am guided to simply exist.

Something is going to happen.

I don’t know what. I don’t know when, I don’t know why. I don’t know how many people it will affect… I just can feel something….. as nutso as it sounds.

SSSooooooo…. I will just keep waiting around….

I am going to the salton sea next week for the field sampling job. I’ll take lots of pictures. Maybe something there will open my eyes??

I am looking forward to being able to see the stars. We’ll be out in the middle of nowhere. No light pollution.

That should put some perspective on things.

pay attention?

So since I am not at my “normal” job anymore – and I am spending more time looking for jobs and reflecting and thinking and all that mumbo jumbo – I am not doing so much blogging. That doesn’t mean I am not inspired to blog – I’m just not?

Everything lately has kind of been a blur. It’s like – I do one thing… then I do something else.. and that’s how it goes. Instead of going day to day , I am more like, hour to hour. Thinking of the future but not planning too much for it. Doing what I have to do to get through the day. It’s not really apathy or depression – more like …… ?? Don’t know.

There it is again – the big word that you know would be here. Change.
That’s what it is. All this change.

I am happy in the general sense. My phone hasn’t been shut off yet – I haven’t been evicted – I still have food to eat, so I’d consider my basic needs met. Not that my phone is a basic need….

I posted a bulletin on myspace today and wanted to repeat it …. no one responds to those things… but I always amuse myself with them…

maybe it’s too much gym?

ugh I don’t know but have you ever had your back sore? it’s a weird feeling – it’s definitely not as tolerable as when your calves/legs are sore.

blah. I need to do some good deeds this week to make up for the lame-o pro-republican phone calls I am going to be making all week. Yay for a temp job – no yay for phone calls.

This weekend however is the third eye blind concert. it’s about time. this will be my 20th time seeing them. yes. twentieth. aaaahhhh.

I am hoping that at the show I will have some type of great sense of enlightenment/vision of my future. Somehow – third eye blind concerts always show me the light.

if i dont….can’t say I will be disappointed … at least I will have been able to see an awesome show.

Hey Tomorrow… whats up??!! Tomorrow is a bastard man – never telling you what to expect – never calling you in advance to let you know what’s going on – no heads up, no nothing. Geeze.

I suppose tomorrow is only a pattern of waves of electrons that our higher consciousness decides to turn in objects at our exact moment of observance.

go electrons!!!!!

thinking…

left or wrong

right or right

Yes.

I have centered myself on something

I don’t know what it is

I don’t know how

But

I am.

Here

I am alive.

There isn’t much more to ask for.

What else is left

That’s right?