talking to myself

October 8, 2008

latest update

Filed under: existence, Life, random — Tags: , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 7:00 pm

soooo….. I haven’t had an epiphany yet.

The third eye blind concert didn’t even bring me any kind of enlightenment that I was semi-expecting. I have been so numb-ish lately trying to decode my own behavior. I just know that whatever I am doing, I am letting more of my subconscious do the directing… since my brain and most of my heart has been disagreeing.

But.. they say that radically changing your behavior patterns is hard (don’t they? who the hell is they??!!). So I continue to do things out of character or even against what I feel like I have done in the past. It’s kind of like tough love that I am doing to myself.

But… in doing this, somehow its pushing my emotions back. It’s like – I don’t feel much. Not much sadness, happiness, disappointment, anger or anything. I am just…. here.

I can’t tell if it’s bad or if it will pass or what’s going on… and in searching for spiritual and/or conscious guidance, I find myself back to square 1 every time and in the essence of just “being”.

My patience is being very tested lately and I believe that is where some of the questions are coming from. But the more questions that I ask, the more I am guided to simply exist.

Something is going to happen.

I don’t know what. I don’t know when, I don’t know why. I don’t know how many people it will affect… I just can feel something….. as nutso as it sounds.

SSSooooooo…. I will just keep waiting around….

I am going to the salton sea next week for the field sampling job. I’ll take lots of pictures. Maybe something there will open my eyes??

I am looking forward to being able to see the stars. We’ll be out in the middle of nowhere. No light pollution.

That should put some perspective on things.

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