talking to myself

June 29, 2012

density

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 1:11 pm

The density of matter is what makes it more or less malleable… able to adapt to its surroundings or environment.. to change shape… 

What about dense people? They are stuck. So absorbed in themselves that they fail to see the other side of anything. They fail to see (or care) about any other agenda.

A simple, “how was your day” would be nice. A simple, “good morning” would be nice. 

Small, simple things that mean more than anything. It is NOT complicated. There isn’t more to it, it goes back to just…. be nice. Give respect and courtesy to all people. Family, friends…most strangers. 

I find myself in the same position I was a year ago and I guess I am finding myself in the same predicament… to move on or hang on? 

It is hard. Hard to think that the cycles of my life have brought me back to the same place. It may be the same place but I feel different. It doesn’t make it easier. I want to believe that I am seeing things wrong, I want to believe that my perceptions are skewed and that the reality of the situation is something different than what I think I am seeing. I want to believe that

Am I trying to force myself into something again? Am I pushing things? I don’t understand the “distance” thing. I never have. Wanting to be with someone but then pushing them away – but keeping them just close enough to get back if you want to. I feel like a fish on a REALLY long line. Sometimes the line gets pulled in tight and sometimes the line goes all the way out to sea 😦 

Maybe I am struggling? I don’t feel like I am putting up a fight. What happens to a fish that doesn’t struggle? It’s no fun to catch. Perhaps that is the problem. I am too easy. Too easy to reel in … 

It’s all one big game. But isn’t life just one big game anyway? Should I be concerned? Should I stop worrying and thinking about it? Should I stop noticing little things ??

This is ridiculous. I deserve to be treated like I am special, because I am. I want to feel like my boyfriend is MY BOYFRIEND. Just because he “isn’t feeling it” that day – doesn’t mean he can treat me differently day to day. That’s exactly what is going on. Whatever inner turmoil is going on with him, he wants me but he doesn’t???? I don’t know. Too much thinking about this stupid crap.

I am tired. I am tired of all of it. I am exhausted. I can’t tell if I am happy or not. I suppose I am in the same boat then. I am basing my happiness too much off getting positive attention from my boyfriend…but what the hell is the point of a boyfriend if they hardly kiss you, don’t like to cuddle….

I read an interesting article: http://primal-page.com/cuddle.htm

This put some things into perspective…. it’s just not easy 😦  

 

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