talking to myself

November 18, 2012

More time…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 8:00 pm

As the past becomes the past … as humans we have a hard time letting it go, not letting it impact us, yet it always does. We are who we are due to out past… our experiences. People will build resentment towards others when there is a lack of communication. 

Within ourselves we have the ability to let things go – to live a life in peace and serenity… to control our minds and emotions. Where does the line lie between letting something go and being content and just pushing things aside and becoming numb? There surely must be a significant difference. 

Working through emotions and settling for bad treatment in life I can justify because of my free thinking and ability to forgive easily.. or so I thought. What if it isn’t what I thought? What if my ability to forgive easily isn’t really that? What if it is really my low self worth and low self esteem that I can “put up with anything.” Is that something to be proud of? I doubt it… or is it? 

I do not really know the difference. My mind has been racing. I have been struggling to process the past few days and I have no idea what to think. In my heart I make excuses and forgiveness for others.. but my brain says that my heart is weak and I need to think more rationally. 

What is it going to take for me to feel that I am making the “right” decisions? I sometimes wonder if I exaggerate or not … I constantly question my own motives and my own ideas… my own feelings. As if someone else should back me up or validate my feelings. I validate my own feelings but when they are dismissed, I question them, which causes me emotional pain. 

I keep wondering and keep hoping that somehow things will become clear to me. In my mind they are clear, in my heart – they are not. The struggle of humanity really… heart vs. brain. This is nothing new. 

Do I have to let this anguish take over the parts of my brain that are open to influence? I am hesitant to make any conclusions… the uncertainty is confusing. All of it… and it is hard to talk to someone about it.. hard to share, because without the heart involved, the whole thing is basically irrational. 

You can say that there are solutions… a definitive answer…but… is there really??

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