talking to myself

January 2, 2013

not again….

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 7:38 pm

It is true. if it is this hard now… is it really going to get easier??!!

After over a year – he still dismisses my feelings and won’t man up to his behavior. 

He acknowledges that what he is doing is “not fair” and/or “not right” to me….yet he still does it. I just can’t imagine what the future may bring, and not in a good way 😦

My hope for a future has dwindled down to nothing. I don’t know if he is capable of stepping up to the plate and raising his own bar. Raising his own bar so that he can change his behavior for the better.

I can’t force anyone to do anything… and somehow I run into this problem all the time. I need to stay calm and just give him space to think….actually to give ME space to think. It does come down to him being dismissive….but I don’t think he is in the right frame of mind. 

He wants his cake and eat it too. All I write about is how HE is feeling… I should write about how I am feeling.

I feel used, taken for granted and under-appreciated… I feel like a fly on the wall, I feel like I am not important…. I feel like #28475893 on his list. I am angry that I didn’t get a new years kiss again. 

You can’t get back time…. you can never get back moments. I am angry for missing a new years kiss with ANYONE. It is a fun tradition and I missed it. 

I am so angry for him not being what I want him to be… oh… wait… um… I am angry that… uh… I am angry because I want to be picked up from work on time, because I want a boyfriend that wants to cuddle and lay with me.

I am frustrated with my own inability to stick to what I say… to stick to my boundaries when I set them. I am mad that I allow myself to be molded and shaped by how he wants to treat me instead of sticking to what I know is right. 

I am angry that I have compromised my own wants and needs for him. It makes me resent him… even though HE didn’t do anything. That is exactly the case. He hasn’t done anything. My resentment comes from me being angry that I can’t just say NO. That I can’t just deal with the situation in a rational manner. That I allow a MAN to have that much control over me and my decisions.

I am angry at the situation – he just happens to be the focus…because it is in my face.

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy what I enjoy without letting someone else bring me down.. it is a vicious cycle. I want a partner who enjoys doing the same things I do… so that is why I take offense to him not joining me in activities I would enjoy. I am frustrated that I don’t have more accountability for why I feel the way I do… and it is true.. I am the only one making myself feel this way…BUT that doesn’t excuse him to treat me however he wants. 

This is interesting.

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