talking to myself

March 27, 2012

always questioning

Filed under: health, Life, Venting — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 5:34 pm

I am not sure why it is that I am always questioning everything. Questioning my motives, questioning other peoples motives, questioning my decisions, questioning other peoples decisions. Wondering, striving to know more, wanting to see all sides of things… this just doesn’t get easier does it? I find myself more and more each day wondering what I am supposed to be doing. Wondering how to live my life and wondering what I am doing right or wrong… and why I even think of things as right or wrong…. there are many different ways to live and different ways to do things. ..sure some may be more efficient, some may be considered “better” by other people, but what if it isn’t “better” to me? People can be stubborn. I am stubborn. I like to enjoy and do things and take my time, I like to relax, I don’t like to be anxious. The past couple weeks have been so anxiety ridden that I have had a hard time functioning. My brain is on overload, my emotions are on overload and I feel like crying at least once a day. I don’t know how to make myself happy.. even with happy things going on. I have felt depressed… but this feels different… or maybe when I was depressed before it wasn’t actually depression and this is? I want to be happy. I want to do things I want to do. I want to follow through and be a person of integrity and strong moral character. I don’t like killing spiders. I don’t know why I take it to such a level that I find a moral problem with killing a spider…and before it was killed I wanted to take it and put on the other side of the fence or in the tree or something and instead it was smashed…then I was told “what you want to fight about me killing a spider? It is  a spider, get over it”… and I said .. “It didn’t do anything! Why did you have to kill it?” and the response, “I don’t like spiders”.. .. “but spiders are good”… “I know..” .. “Then why did you kill it?” … “You really want to fight about this?”… And… I take it to the level that this person is being inconsiderate and rude and not listening… and just wanting to get their way. Granted that is sort of what I wanted too, but I am tired to giving in. I am just so exhausted. I finally got a job and I can barely be happy about it because I am so frustrated and confused. I find myself multiple times a day wanting to crawl into a hole or just sleep or go away or something. Am I letting someone else have too much influence in my actions? Probably. Am I having to constantly think about my actions and words so to not upset someone else? Probably. Is this healthy? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I overthinking? Maybe. Should I keep worrying about it? Probably not. The days are going to go by. The time will go by. Things will happen, and more things will happen. I am a planner. I like planning, I like having lists, I like being productive. I have to do that. I am starting a job soon. That will give me structure and help me with my desire to plan and be productive. I am overwhelmed. All the time. I am with someone and I still feel lonely. I felt this way in my last relationship. Maybe I just have some sort of lonely problem. Some woe is me issue. Some type of “pay attention to me” issue? I don’t know. I just feel crappy today. I still haven’t been to the gym in over a week, and it’s raining. I can make excuses today but what about tomorrow????

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August 12, 2008

I like being busy

Filed under: existence, health, Life, random — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 4:36 pm

I know that I like to be busy. I like to have things to do – and feel like I am making some kind of progress. If I don’t… I get depressed and feel meaningless.

Right now – I have a lot to do so it justifies my existence. Then when I say that I need a break – does that mean I can’t handle all the work like I think I can?

It’s just all the shows. I can’t let them overwhelm me. I look at my calendar and when I actually mentally process all the things that I am doing – I get anxious. So I have to just keep going and keep doing it and not think about it.

All the steps are coming together. I can’t believe we got approved for another dance party. I really didn’t think that would happen. That’s pretty freakin cool. So now more things to prepare for. I bought a 12 foot banner to put outside of the venue too – so I am pretty stoked about that. It’s a digitally printed banner… I kind of wanted the vinyl lettering, but digital works – its cheaper… and you’ll still be able to see it from the street and that’s what’s important.

I get to go in and put the lights up tomorrow – I am excited but at the same time nervous about putting something in there that’s somewhat permanent. We have a lot going on though – so I might as well…I have something around 15 shows coming up not including the dance party.

It’s exciting!!!!

I get to record my stairway band on thursday – I can’t believe how fast the whole thing is over … this summer went so fast!

I tried to work myself out yesterday to where I would be sore today – but it didn’t work. I will have to try again today. I did do a decent amount of running – almost 3 miles non-stop… and I didn’t slow down – I guess the crappy part of gaining stamina is that you have to work out harder and longer….

I keep waking up super early and my body is like, okay time to wake up – but I don’t want to so I force myself to go back to sleep and then I wind up being more tired than if I would have just gotten myself up earlier. I think that next time I wake up – I should just get up. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to see if I have more energy during the day….

Alright I’m done.

August 7, 2008

relora

Filed under: health, Life — Tags: , , , , , , — crazygina @ 5:00 pm

So there is this awesome herbal supplement called Relora that has since been discontinued from my favorite Vitamin store – Vitamin World (my disneyland of health…yaaayyy!!) – and they had them all on sale for like, 3 bucks a bottle so I bought them. All of them.

They are marketed as a weight loss supplement – but… it’s weight loss that is related to stress… so it’s more of a stress reducer. They say to take 1 pill 3 times a day. However, I have learned that if I am crazy stressed or having a terrible day – or in some kind of panic attack … that I can take 3 at one time and it basically chills me out. I stop freaking out and relax. Now… I didn’t find this out by ‘experimenting’ with it.. I just noticed one time when I took two because I forgot to take one that the effects were greater.

I only take it when I am feeling particularly stressed. You can find more information on it here: Relora book

Anyway – I like it. It’s natural herbs so I don’t feel like I am putting anything synthetic into my body. Woo!

This weekend I don’t have any shows (that I am putting on at least) – I think it’s the first weekend in over a month that I actually don’t have a show. YAY! I still have to work at the boardwalk tomorrow night and run the light board but that’s relatively stress free 🙂

Yeeessss!!

August 4, 2008

what weekend?

I was in a serious mood all weekend. At the dance party I was at the door all night – didn’t drink, didn’t dance. Nothing. Just worked at the door – and thank goodness for Ryan and Emily – who, without, I would have never been able to run the door in any kind of sane fashion.

Then Saturday I got up – went to bootcamp … then worked on some stuff at home – bought a few groceries – and then went to the movies with a friend. Saw the new Batman movie. I thought the whole thing was one giant action scene and the dialog was TERRIBLE. Now… granted the dialog doesn’t have to be the best thing in the world – but come on people. The action scenes were pretty bad ass though I will have to give them that. Overall I was kind of impressed, I wouldn’t have really gone out of my way to see it if I knew what it would have been like – maybe I should see it again? Sometimes the second time around I like movies better. We also missed the very beginning of the movie and I think that really bothered me throughout the whole thing. Just because I learned so much about movie beginnings in college and how important they are to the story. Eh. Maybe I will go see it again.
after the movie I went to a few bars and my roommate was out with his girlfriend and he was drunk. I ran into a bunch of people that I knew – and attempted to go to a dance party – but I didn’t drink and it was really late already so I just walked home alone …

Anyway – so saturday I missed a good friend’s wedding reception. I wrote it down in my planner and somehow completely missed it. I am so bummed. And I don’t have his number to get a hold of him since I had lost my phone – I feel like such a terrible friend 😦

Sunday I did laundry and a ton of band junk online. I now tell people to email me instead of myspace about shows – it’s SO much easier to keep track of dates that way.

I bought a bunch of blueberries since they were on sale at safeway, woohoo! And two avocados and some carrots. I read online about eating too many carrots turning you a orange-ish color (when I was on the carrot kick a week or so ago) and I thought that was a GREAT way to get a nice glow. I need more carrots! I ate an entire avocado yesterday that I mashed up and mixed some chicken into then ate it with some organic chips. It was really good. Yesterday I was so lethargic and I layed around almost all day – my whole body was just exhasted and I could barely get around the house and do anything without feeling almost narcoleptic.

This week is an interesting week. I hope the show goes well tonight – that way I will have money for this week – because if it doesn’t I could potentially be screwed at least until payday on friday. I am feeling much better about myself lately – and I know that it’s directly related to exercise, food and not drinking.

I wanted to party this weekend – but it just didn’t work out. Oh well. Maybe next weekend.

July 28, 2008

cleanse patch update

Filed under: health — Tags: , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:03 am

So I finally got the cleanse patch in the mail – and was really stoked to try it out!

I opened up the package – that by the way – didn’t look fancy at all. Inside was everything wrapped in PLASTIC (I hate plastic) – so that was a little irritating… anyway – so I examined the patches and it looked like they were filled with a powdery substance, kind of like a tea bag but with finer grains (i know thats the wrong terminology) – and it smelled like something that had been in tupperware in your fridge for too long – and then you open it up – but it’s not THAT old – so I guess kind of moldy but not quite… and I put the patch on my foot with the tape and taped it on. The tape worked really good and it stuck really well.
Maybe because I knew it was on my foot – I could feel it – and my legs were kind of tingly – it’s odd to say that because maybe it was just in my head – but it seemed like they were tingling.
In the morning I checked it out. I had seen pictures of the patches before and they look like they were pitch black and sticky and gross and all this stuff .. but mine were just a medium green/grayish color and smelled like smog/smoke. Like someone was BBQin’ on my foot. I don’t smoke – but we had a lot of fires up here (which is why I thought it would be cool to test out the patch) … and my legs felt very light the rest of day. Kind of like my legs were refreshed. My energy level however has plummeted – but I also stopped taking the cyclamen – so it could be related to that. My friend Linda gave me some insight on the herbal thing .. and said they can be mood enhancers and also mood swingers… so that could have something to do with it too…
I also drank on friday and haven’t been to the gym since. I know that always messes with my energy levels too. Okay back to the cleanse patch – so I didn’t really feel any other difference except for my legs feeling lighter and my energy levels dropping. I used the cleanse patch again last night and the patches came out the same type of color that they did yesterday. Not lighter or darker. I did notice though that when you put the patch on – wherever the powdered substance is in the patch is where it is going to build up and turn colors. If you can even it out before you put it on … I might try that tonight. I don’t think they are a scam – because I can notice a physical difference – even if it’s slight. I try to be a generally pretty healthy person but I could see if someone wasn’t, how these patches would help – so I’d say try ’em out!! But get the cleanse patch – it’s a specific brand. After my research online this one seemed like the most legit.

July 24, 2008

cyclamen europaeum

So I am trying out some homeopathic medicines, since I have been getting dizzy lately and sometimes disassociated and disconnected with my surroundings and this homeopathic remedy – Cyclamen Europaeum – is supposedly good for that kind of stuff. It was REALLY cheap – only 6.95 for 80 pellets, that you dissolved in your mouth 3 times a day. I thought the pellets would taste gross or have at least some kind of taste but they kind of just tasted like chalk (placebo? haha). Cyclamen is a plant and the substance that is used in the medicine apparently is also toxic (when you take too much) – so I need to be careful too with this that I don’t take too much. Just saying the word “pellets” makes me feel like I am a mouse or something – like I need to get fed my pellets. hahaha
Something really freaky though – I took the cyclamen last night before I went to bed and I had crazy dreams! I normally don’t dream that much but I remembered my dreams and I never felt like I was actually asleep. I took it again this morning – and I don’t really notice yet if my focus is any better. I will keep taking it just to see … and if I don’t notice anything in a week or so I’ll just stop. You’re not supposed to take homeopathic medicines for longer than the symptoms last anyway.
According to hpathy.com, here are some of the symptoms that Cyclamen Europaeum is supposed to treat:
Best suited for leuco-phlegmatic persons with anaemic or chlorotic conditions; easily fatigued, and in consequence not inclined to any kind of labor; feeble or suspended functions of organs or special senses.
Pains; pressive, drawing or tearing of parts where bone lie near the surface.
Ailments: from suppressed grief and terrors of conscience; from duty not done or bad act committed.
Great sadness and peevishness, irritable, morose, ill-humored; inclined to weep; desire for solitude; aversion to open air (rev. of Puls. ).
Headache in anaemic patients, with flickering before eyes or dim vision, on rising in morning.
Flickering before eyes, fiery sparks, as of various colors, glittering needles, dim vision of fog or smoke.
Satiety after a few mouthfuls ( Lyc. ), food then becomes repugnant, causes nausea in throat and palate.
Saliva and all food has a salty taste; pork disagrees.
Burning sore pain in heels, when sitting, standing or walking in open air ( Agar. , Caust. , Val. , Phyt. ).
Relations. – Compare: Puls. , Cinch. , Fer. in chlorosis, and anaemic affections; Croc. , Thuja as if some thing alive in abdomen.

On another health note – I ordered these foot patches called the Cleanse Patch. I spent too much money on these dang things and they still haven’t showed up yet. It says it only takes 5-7 days for them to show up, but nothin! And it’s been almost 2.5 weeks! My mom’s birthday card she sent me never showed up either. Damn. I have been reading a lot about people’s experiences with the cleanse patch and it’s really funny – people are so adament about things that are “quackery” and scams. I say, if it works for you and you believe it, then good!! Mind over matter. Self healing – the power of the mind is more than we know. So let people believe what they want to believe. Others that capitalize on it – to live off of it and make money – if they believe in it as much as their customers do, then fine! If they are knowingly jacking people of their cashola then okay that’s not cool. I still want to try them just for the hell of it.

I have done quite a few cleanses, and honestly I really really liked the 14 day Cleanse called The Cleaner. I also did the Ultimate Cleanse last year, but The Cleaner was a lot more gentle and I felt more of the effects in my skin as well as my intestines. The Ultimate Cleanse had a LOT of pills and more instructions and it seemed like once my intestines were cleared out – which only took about a week, but the cleanse takes 21 days, I felt like the pills weren’t doing anything. The Cleaner I felt working all the way up to the end of the 14 days.

Didn’t go to the gym yesterday because I had my stairway kids until 7:30 and didn’t wind up getting home till 9 since I took the light rail home. It’s alright though – I will make it up today. I couldn’t take it yesterday and totally ate a bunch of crap all day long. Wheat thins, beef jerky, shrimp tacos, rice, beans, with cheese. Oh man, it was too much for one day since I have been restricting my diet so much. I have been having slight stomache pains as well so maybe the cyclamen will help with that.

Okay enough on the health update. !!! Today is a good day – boss is gone at work.. WOOHOO!! 🙂

July 23, 2008

carrots, brussel sprouts and yogurt OH MY!

Okay so I have been going to the gym regularly lately and also trying to watch what I eat. I have been trying really hard to stick to vegetables, fruit, yogurt and salads – but it’s driving me crazy!! I don’t know how many more carrots my body can ingest. I mean, I love carrots, but I feel like I can taste carrots all day long.
I have lost inches, a few pounds and gained a ton of muscle, so I know it’s working. But it’s harder than I thought. I am looking forward to spoiling myself soon and just going all out and eating something crazy. I ate a cookie the other day and it actually hurt my stomache. Very odd. I am really enjoying this self control thing and just seeing how much I can hold myself back and control my impulses/emotions/life. I am usually much more of a push-over, but I can feel a major change this past year. The first 5 months sucked so bad, but now everything seems to be clearing up. I am experiencing things that I have never in my entire life experienced and feeling emotions that I didn’t know exsisted! New emotions mind boggle me, and as soon as that happens I try to instantaeously figure them out (what they do to me) and what brought them on and identify the feeling for future reference. Kind of like a “feeling bank” where I put everything. I am usually very good when I already know a feeling to control it, but when something is new, it completely blindsides me. There have been a lot of new things lately so it’s been interesting to sort through and figure things out.
Ugh my tummy kind of hurts. Maybe all those carrots aren’t such a good idea. Is it possible to overdose on carrots?
Anyway – things are good. Just busy busy busy as usual. This week I have really lost track of time and seeing that it’s wednesday already – I don’t have much time to get things ready for my shows this weekend.
I am still motivated, optimistic and excited for the future. Grounded.

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