talking to myself

October 26, 2008

The Salton Sea Adventure

Just before sunrise at the salton sea

Just before sunrise at the salton sea

Salton Sea… day 4?? – October 18, 2008

I have been thinking a lot about what has been going on here. About our purpose with these sampling missions. Collecting little fish. Putting them in alcohol. Measuring them, weighing them. Wading around in irrigation ditches that look like small rivers. I really think they are much more suited to be called rivers than ditches actually. I have always been a skeptic of science. The humanitarian inside me is always fighting the scientist. This trip is has been so far really testing those issues.

As an example… there is an endangered fish, the Pupfish. We are catching Mollie’s and Mosquito Fish… who have overrun the ditches apparently and are kicking out the pupfish which is part of the reason they are endangered. Now… the Mosquito Fish are INTRODUCED to the area by other wildlife groups to eliminate a lot of the mosquito population.. but the Talipia that are already in the water do a better job at that than the mosquito fish do. But apparently they keep putting more mosquito fish in the water anyway. Mollies are aquarium fish. Apparently when people dump out their aquariums… the Mollies get out and breed and are now taking over. This is how extreme this dumb “scientific” project is… ready? Every day we catch tons of fish. We put about 50 or more into alcohol – and kill over 75 mollies and mosquito fish at each site. When they are in the traps, they actually just throw them into the dirt. We were in the lab… and apparently somehow a pupfish made it into our pile of Mollies… and the person in the lap screams, oh my God it’s a pupfish! Frantically – contaminates another sample (of plankton) by putting the pupfish in it. This fish is maybe 20cm long. It’s a itty bitty fish. So… she drives about 40 minutes and falls in the mud trying to put this fish back into the ditch. This one tiny fish that is endangered, because of us mind you, by the same person who throws 50 other fish into the dirt every day.

Okay so where am I going with this you are wondering? I was catching spiders in our place we are staying at and letting them outside instead of killing them. I mentioned that I don’t like to kill things. Someone said…. Well… you do realize that the fish are invasive species right? And someone else – not involved with our group – said that humans are also invasive species. This has been ringing in my mind ever since I heard that. Everything that we do, I am thinking – who the hell are we? To invade upon nature, fuck it up… and then kill everything because we fucked up? Two of the other girls here don’t get it. They actually make a point to let me know how many fish they kill sometimes. I am not this nieve, “oh my goodness, don’t kill the fishes! They are so cute!” type … I just don’t understand why the fish have to pay for our mistakes. At the same time… this goes to such a much bigger scale than just fish. It’s people too. How many people die during testing of a new drug? How many children suffer because of other’s mistakes? This is something that isn’t just happening in nature and in science. It is happening on every scale. Who the hell are we to just come in and do whatever the heck we want whenever we want. It’s also the “it’s not my problem” mentality. When I realized that this project we are doing isn’t for the good of the environment.. oh no… it’s for a company that doesn’t want to get fined by the govt. so he is paying for this test to find out if he is polluting the waters. We don’t test any other areas. Just the areas that this person wants us to test. It isn’t about the environment … or the fish… its about someone who doesn’t want to pay money in the future – so he is paying for it now. We aren’t concerned about any of the other fish or water in the other 50 to 75 sites that also drain into the salton sea. So … tell me SCIENCE .. how the hell is this actually a legit study?

Oh science, how you have failed me. I was so disappointed in you yesterday. When I found out that the liquid which is called DI Water – isn’t actually DI water (de-ionized water) it is just reverse osmosis filtered tap water basically. It’s not anything special. They actually told me that it isn’t really safe to drink. But… that is what we rinse all of the stuff with before we go out to “sterilize” it. In reality – the water is dirtier than what we drink. The people here don’t have good explanations for things either. We aren’t suppose to touch certain parts of tools so not to “contaminate” them… but so many other steps along the way could easily contaminate the sample so what the hell? Okay science, I know you’re supposed to eliminate as many variables as you can – but really… you can’t ever eliminate enough! So much of what we are doing out here is NOT nearly as regulated as I expected it to be. I don’t feel like this is science at all. The only thing making this trip feel even remotely legit is the scientific names for the fish.

I sound so cynical and upset and frusturated, but really.. I am having a good time. Wait, well, it’s not so good – more like just… a time. I am enjoying the experience. I like waking up when the sun comes up and being physically active all day. I LOVE LOVE being outside in the sun all day. Even when I am sitting on the bank of a “ditch” and looking for tiny worms in the soil, I get to soak in the sun, feel the breeze of the 87 degree day – and listen to the birds. Here, there are over 50 different species of birds that hang out. That is great.

salton sea birds!

salton sea birds!


I like being on a schedule. I was so broke before I came out here – so my groceries for the trip were VERY slim. I am eating ramen, spaghetti-o’s and tuna… while everyone else in the house has “real” food. At least I am completely forced to eat at home…. There isn’t anything else around here… My cell phone hardly even works.

I don’t think I am too fond of the other two girls on the trip. They are very haphazard with this whole thing. When I talk to either of them – they definitely don’t strike me as people I would trust with a science experiment – even a 2nd grade one making your own volcano.

Maybe I am taking it too seriously – thinking about everything too much. Before I came out here, I was looking for some kind of salvation. Some kind of sign of what to do with myself. Something to make things make sense… and well… nothing happened. So I get out here and am hoping for it to happen here.

It’s hunting season. While we are out in the field, we can hear the quacks of the ducks and the shotguns going off in the distance. I suppose that this is all part of the experience, but, HUNTING SEASON? Really? I am not sure what the universe is trying to say to me with so much death surrounding me right now. I don’t feel like death but I have daydreams of being shot by some off-stray hunters bullet, but surviving it. It’s weird what you start to think of after you have spent 2 hours sifting through mud looking for tiny red worms. Anyway, back to the surroundings… not sure what it means, if at all anything. I should stop trying to overanalyze all of it and just do my job. I just can’t stop asking why. Everything, every day. Why why why why why why why why. I almost have irritated myself with it. I can’t stop though. I think it’s getting me through the days, but so many questions go unanswered. So many. These people don’t know the answers. But do they need to? So many people go through life but never even ask themselves the question, why? I think in people’s job’s they go through the same motion so many times that eventually they forget why they even do it. We shouldn’t forget why, even when the why changes… and “just because” – is NOT sufficient.

*sigh* Well.. this is all making my brain hurt and I have to take a shower. I guess I will continue to reflect on these experiences as I have them and keep on with our 12 hour days. Up at 5:45 and we usually get done working around 6:15 or so. Today we got done at 6. I will write more tomorrow. I haven’t done much writing .. I should have written more the past few days but I think I was still trying to take it in. I still am now too. I don’t know what is going to come out of this whole thing. I should stop thinking so much.

another work spot

another work spot



Salton Sea – part 2. 10/19/08

The bunnies here are creepy. I walked outside going to look for a signal so I could give my mom a call since I know she is worried about me (she’s always worried. That’s what mom’s do right?). Well.. on the walk back, I notice there are a crazy amount of bunnies. At first I was like, oh how cute, look at all the bunnies. Then… as I continued to walk I noticed that sometimes they didn’t scurry right away. I looked to my right. Bunnies. Staring at me. I looked to my left. More bunnies… I looked ahead… bunnies. And behind me… more bunnies had blocked the path I had just came from. I walked forward towards the bunkhouse and the bunnies hopped away – slowly. Not without turning back and looking at me as I pass. As if to say… we’re watching. Creepy.

So today was alright. I decided to stop asking questions. I think I am irritating the other two girls on the trip – I mean … for right reason though. They hardly know this job much better than I do, and I have never done this shit before. One of the girls today accidentally killed one of the endangered pupfish. She never said anything. Never manned up to it. A photographer was here taking pictures and I was eavesdropping on her taking pictures of one of the girls collecting fish traps. The girl measured the fish and then threw it back into the water. I heard the photographer clearly say, “it’s dead. Look.. it’s floating over there.. the one you just threw in.” Instead of notifying our boss that the fish had died, she went along her merry way. This is the same type of fish that the other girl drove an extra 40 minutes out of her way to go drop one into a river. The frantic “omg it’s a pupfish” debacle that happened in the lab yesterday. Oh this whole thing is so silly.

It’s such a joke. I still do my job. I sit out in my waders – that have a hole in the crotch – and collect worms. I also throw out the dredge into the water to get the sediment in the morning. It’s an active day. I think I said this yesterday but I will reiterate again how much I really love to sit in the sun. I will probably be in withdrawls when I finally get back home … I will have to find a way to get outside. The door is a good start.

I am still not sure what to do about this whole life thing. I appreciate it. I think we’re dumb species as it is – I mean sure we’re smart machine wise, but not conscious wise. Too many people just go about their days and don’t stop to think of other people much less their surroundings. Oh man I gotta do something about me thinking this way. I am going to turn into one of those cynical wackos that talks about the end of the world and crap. Oh wait.. I kind of already am. Damn. Well… I am working on it. Despite the unknowing of the future of our existence and the purpose of life, I think I am still somewhat positive. I am a happy person. I enjoy others. I enjoy others company. I like to talk and interact and live life. I like being with and helping other people. I don’t hate all of it as some cynics do. If I ever lose that, oh dear lord help us all.

My co-worker (the one I get along with) is quite the cynic. She told me that life was meaningless and pointless. I told her that if that is true, if this is in fact it, if there is absolutely nothing after this and nothing before and everything should be taken as face value, then I would definitely kill myself. I would encourage everyone to kill themselves. Maybe I would start a cult of some kind and we could do some crazy mass suicide. I mean, seriously… if this is it, and this is all of it… and there is no point to this whole thing… then um.. if there’s no point, then um… what’s the point? (However, Stephan Jenkins said, “and life is pointless, but what’s so wrong with that?”)Although if it was common knowledge that there was absolutely nothing to our existence than our physical cells then I suppose that more people would be offing themselves already so I might not need to start a cult. Anyhow… I proceeded to explain to her that she is wrong. She has to be wrong. And if she isn’t…. well… then I’m wrong, but I will continue living because I know (or at least I think so?) that there is some reason I am still alive right now and there is something I am meant to do on this earth and I don’t think it is to start a cult and lead people to their deaths.

I wish that I wasn’t getting all deep with everything nowadays. I can hardly do anything without thinking – what’s the point? Then getting all crazy and being like, WHATS THE POINT OF IT ALL???!! It’s kind of funny when I read it that way – but… it’s not funny damnit.

So what’s next? Another day. Another dollar? My eyes aren’t really open yet. I just go through the motions, but I am very glad that I have motions to go through. It’s hard to sit at home and try to come up with your own motions to go through. I’m tired. Again. I have been going to bed around 8:30ish. It’s easier to wake up at 5:45 and work a 12 hour day. Also – besides writing and reading that book about immortality, death and reincarnation – I don’t have much else to do.

sitting at my "desk"
Part de Tres – Salton adventures October 20, 2008

I decided that if I stop questioning everything (again) I will have a better time out here. Just going along with the daily stuff and no more why why whys. At least not out loud. I still say them all day long in my head though. Today wasn’t such a long day – we were done in 11 hours instead of 12. I am wondering if anyone that is reading this .. if anyone actually read this far … was hoping that my salton sea reminisce would be more like, “today we went to a new place. We caught lots of fish and I got real muddy. It’s so much fun!” I mean… I could be saying all those things as well… but is it really exciting to hear in detail about how we muck through the water and sit down in a duck area picking worms out of the soil as some kind of weird bird hisses at us through the reeds? I guess I could throw those kinds of things out there too. Example: I kind of felt like a duck today. The place we were sitting was the perfect spot for a duck party. I mean… perfect. If I was a duck I would definitely hang out there. That’s probably why they were quacking at us – they must have been planning some huge duck get together at that spot and then we totally bashed the party. Bummer. See.. we humans suck!

Duck Party area

Duck Party area

Ugh. Anyway – today wasn’t quite as exciting. I didn’t really think as much. I didn’t really think much of anything actually. I can’t remember much about today besides the whole duck thing. My mind wandered off on the duck scenario for a while.

I have a movie here that I wanted to watch. I don’t even have time to watch a movie… because most movies are about 2 hours or so, and by the time we get home, I eat dinner, take a shower and get ready for bed its 7:30ish and then I usually go to bed around 8:30 depending how much time I write this junk and/or how much time I read. I might try to watch it tonight since we got home early and in writing this it’s barely 6pm.

Who would have thought that I would be going to bed at 8:30 and actually be able to fall asleep? Sometimes I don’t even go out until after 10pm. Hahahaha. Oh geeze.

I still haven’t taken time out to see the stars yet. I plan to do that very soon. There is one light around here that is right in front of our place so I’ll have to walk a little ways to see them clearly. If I can get through the bunnies that is.

I won’t be able to do a band interview and/or any stories for Fringe this month because I didn’t get them done before I left. :\ I feel horrible because I told Jared that I would for sure get FFG in there in November. Boooooo on me.

I don’t know where my head will be when I get back. Like I said before – I am just grateful to have motions to go through and I don’t have to self motivate. That is getting draining on me for sure. Everything is draining on me. Tomorrow is our 7th day here. Isn’t something supposed to happen on the 7th day?

I have noticed that I am not really getting sunburnt because my arms get so dirty with the dirt and the mud that it blocks the sun. The first few days the first thing I did when I got in the water is reach down and grab a glob of mud and put them on my arms. I rubbed it over my arms and voila! Sunscreen. Even with the mudscreen my arms are getting a fantastic farmers tan. If only my entire body was the color that my arms are right now, that would be awesome.

One of the girls here today actually attempted to make conversation with me. I was impressed. I am not sure that she was really prepared for my answer though when she asked me about my family as part of some “small talk.” I don’t really do small talk too much. Especially about my family. There isn’t really a short answer on that one. That’s a whole different book. But isn’t everyone’s family?!

Okay I don’t have much else to write. I am not really as angry or upset about any of this much anymore. I don’t like having to clean all the gear at the end of the day – that sucks. But whatever. It’s my job. Eh.

golden like the sunrise

golden like the sunrise



The salty sea…. October 22nd, 2008

Today we went out to another site to collect the tiny worms that we hadn’t gotten enough of the first time and some algae. I was in the water and working for at least an hour before the two girls got into the water. When we starting picking for worms… they went on 2 bathroom breaks and lunch before I had even taken a break at all. We stopped early because they thought we had collected enough. Well… wrong. So basically – the entire day was a complete waste. Wtf.

the worms we had to pick out.

the worms we had to pick out.

Wasting my time is probably the most irritating thing to me. Wasting my time and disappointing me. Those are the two worst. Well… now we have to go back to that site for a 3rd time to get enough samples. They seemed really bummed that they had to go back because she swore that we had enough of the samples… she really thought that we had enough so I can’t blame her too much for it. If I had an outlet of some kind while I am here – besides writing this – I think that would be nice. I guess not being able to chit chat with my friends more or on the internet or on the phone is making it harder to deal with Basically feeling like while I am out here that I have no friends (at least in this vicinity)… it’s weird.

We saw a snake today .. one of the girls (the one who is afraid of spiders) grabbed the damn thing to try to “play with it”… so odd that she is afraid of spiders but will just grab a wild snake. I think that the reason I am being so nitpicky about the two girls that are here is because they are the only ones to analyze. I have spent so long doing it inward that I think I am trying to find some type of something interesting to latch onto in these people and it’s not really happening.. it’s just making me irritated. I hate that when I am sitting in the water – with the breeze across my face – and the birds cawing watching the fish in the water … that I am irritated with some stupid human. I don’t want to go back home and feel like I was so distracted with what was going on inside my head that I couldn’t even enjoy the experience for the beauty that it is.

And I find the areas we are in…. beautiful. Even though they aren’t considered beautiful areas to many other people…? I have to remember to take my camera with me so I can get pictures. It’s tough because the areas are so mucky and muddy and I am afraid of my camera getting lost. It already got mud stuck in one of the buttons :\

another work spot

another work spot

Depending how long it takes us to get the rest of the samples at the other sites, we might be back sooner than we thought. Which I would love to get back even sooner – BUT – I really need the money to pay my rent and now it’s sounding like I am barely going to have it covered now since I miscalculated the amount in the beginning and if we come back sooner, that’s less money. AARRRRGGGGG!! I HATE MONEEEEYYY!! I HATE ITTTT!!!

I am more tired today even though we had a shorter day. I think these non-stop days are starting to wear on me… every day up at 5:45 … I don’t know if I could do this as a career with no days off. I would need a day off after at least 7 days.. we have been going strong at this now for 9 days with no days off. Wooo. Maybe that is also another thing that is making me analyze everything. Eh, probably not…. Because I was thinking all this junk even on the first day.

I am trying to control my brain lately but it’s been tough – it seems like my thoughts are very frequently getting way out of my control. My imagination goes all crazy and it’s hard to make it stop. A little crazy much?

Something has to come of this whole experience. Not sure what. Maybe the less I think about it, the easier it will come to me… I’ll try to cleanse my mind of all this crap tonight and see if I can have a better tomorrow. I haven’t actually smiled a real smile or laughed a real laugh since I have been here. I almost smiled when I was looking at a picture of my cat on my camera. Can’t I just regress and have my teenage angst emo stage at 24? I am so going to do it. Black hair?!!!!

The Salton See. October 23rd, 2008

I had a good day today. I had a chance to talk to one of the girls and get a lot of this stuff off my chest. She didn’t like it. As a matter of fact…. She cried. Told me that she gets depressed out here too… and was highly offended that I felt she didn’t really know the job as well as she acted. I told her that it’s okay to mess up and to not know how to do something. We all make mistakes… anyway… I didn’t want to feel bad for making her feel bad when she and her friend have made me feel terrible this whole trip. She said that they didn’t like my negativity and questioning everything. I told her that I was depressed and that kind of comes along with it unfortunately. I think she took everything that I said wrong.. as a personal attack on her, when it wasn’t meant that way at all.

waders are not flattering

waders are not flattering

Anyway – I sure have spent a long time here just babbling about nonsense. I don’t think I have really said too much even in these 8 pages about the trip. I am really impressed if anyone actually read it this far. I am very tempted to go back and change all of my negative stuff to things that are somewhat positive and/or just take them out. As a way to somewhat attempt to become more positive in the long run? It turns out that we are going to be coming home now a lot sooner than we had expected. Much sooner. Instead of coming back on the 31st we are going to probably be driving back on the 26th! I guess that means I will get to see people and use my phone again.

I was able to touch bases with a few friends through text so that has kind of also made me feel a little bit better about being out here. I hadn’t really talked to many people since I got out here. That maybe made it tougher too? I don’t know. I guess it’s one of those you never know what you don’t appreciate until you don’t have it. I would definitely go crazy if I got lost on a desert island somewhere with no phone and no way to contact anyone. I never saw castaway – but I’ve heard about it. It would probably be like that. I should watch the movie one of these days.

I think that trudging through some bushes today I really tore up the sides of my arms. They are all scratched up and kind of bumpy as if I walked through cactus or something. They hurt like a mo-fo. I tried to put some stuff on it to help it heal faster, but who knows if it will work. We had a really long day today – 13 hours. We were out picking worms till 4:30 and we totally lost track of time. I was washing the gear until almost 6. That’s the other thing – they totally have me doing the bitch work of washing all the gear every day. All the waders, all the shoes, all the sives. Ugh. Oh well.. I suppose somebody’s gotta do it. Might as well make the newbie.

I am enjoying this more today than I did any other day and now we only have two more days of work left. I kind of have gotten used to this whole schedule thing. Just in time to go home…. Bah!

At the same time, I just want to be in my bed with my kitty cat and sleeping till I want. Only a few more days.

the moon!

the moon!


October 25th, 2008 – the last salty day.

Today was our last day of work out here. We are driving all day tomorrow. I could tell that everyone here is very anxious to get home. I am too… but just so I don’t have to deal with these people anymore. I loved the work. I loved the area. I loved being away (except the no internet thing..). They just don’t really “get” me I guess? It’s hard to just do your job when you have to live with and see the people you work with literally 24/7… unless you close yourself up in your room. I tried to be friends with these people but they just didn’t respond to me. The past few days they literally didn’t even respond when I talked. As if I hadn’t even said anything.

They treated me like a lower life form. As if what I said had no substance at all. Example… yesterday – we were going through the samples we had taken and one of the girls asked me to pick through the plankton from that day. The one sample was ridiculous, it had TONS of tiny seeds in it – that we are supposed to pick out. So I suggested, ya know, we really should decant this first…there are tons of seeds in here. But she insists that I pick it. So I spent 30 minutes. Hear that?! Thirty damn minutes picking out these little seeds in the sample. Even after 30 minutes there were still seeds in it. I took a break from that one to pick the other one that was a little less laborious. I got distracted washing something from earlier. The other girl comes in and she looks at the plankton sample that I was picking that had all the seeds in it. The boss comes over and says, oh yea, decant that. So the other girl decants it. After I had just wasted half an hour picking out the seeds. I mentioned that I had just spent half an hour picking out the little seeds. No response. From anyone. They basically ignored me. I noticed then that since then, and even before then, they just ignore me. Maybe they decided that they didn’t like me and wasn’t going to listen to anything I had to say anymore?

I went out to see the stars last night. I took a little flashlight and forged out to the street area … but it was really scary. Being by myself, walking through the desert, listening to the sounds of the birds and other various desert animals. Way creepy. I couldn’t bring myself to walk all the way to the lookout to watch the birds near the refuge, it was just too scary out there , I kept thinking somebody was going to jump out from somewhere and attack me or something. I am less scared walking down broadway at 2am.

We went to this place called salvation mountain today. The man who built/painted the whole thing was actually hanging out there. He was eating his dinner out of a can. Apparently the mountain is pretty famous. My co-workers couldn’t stop talking about how the place was in a movie. Nevermind the fact that the guy had a spiritual epiphany that drove him to build it.

salvation mountain

salvation mountain


The old man we met seemed very bored. Very just going through the motions. He told us how he built some of the stuff inside, with old tires and things like that. He was excited that his mountain is getting more interest by people, but just sat back down and didn’t say too much. I really really wanted to ask him about his vision and what keeps him motivated, but… I couldn’t. My co-workers were standing around and ready to go and it didn’t really seem like the time to ask a question like that. So, I was at a place called SALVATION MOUNTAIN and didn’t even get a chance to ask the man who built it about it.

Okay in the beginning of this trip I was depressed. I was reaching out, searching for meaning. I wanted someone to talk to, someone to connect to, something to make sense. It didn’t happen. Instead, what I learned from this trip is that even if you are depressed and trying to find meaning in life, something lame with come along and bug you so badly that you can’t even keep your head on straight to be depressed. All I could think about was the ridiculousness of these people and their selfishness. I suppose that it definitely took the me out of my depression. I couldn’t even think straight. I tried to – but I just didn’t feel right being here with no one to talk to, and my mind is too mush to make sense of things right now.

dead fish

dead fish

I really really want people. I want to have people around. I want to have friends. I really do. I think that I learned that out here too. I am little miss independent all the time and want to always to everything by myself. I never like to think that I really need anyone. I am sure that if time permitted, I probably could have gotten through this okay – but without having friends or someone to text or maybe talk to every once in a while, I don’t think I would have rationally made it through this trip. I do want friends and I want people. I still have a hard time saying that I need anyone… but I am leaning closer towards needing after this trip. I can’t wait to get home…. And just be. I suppose that’s all I can do – combined with where we have been. Where have we been? If there’s more, there’s more. If there isn’t… there isn’t?

the wisdom tree

the wisdom tree

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July 24, 2008

cyclamen europaeum

So I am trying out some homeopathic medicines, since I have been getting dizzy lately and sometimes disassociated and disconnected with my surroundings and this homeopathic remedy – Cyclamen Europaeum – is supposedly good for that kind of stuff. It was REALLY cheap – only 6.95 for 80 pellets, that you dissolved in your mouth 3 times a day. I thought the pellets would taste gross or have at least some kind of taste but they kind of just tasted like chalk (placebo? haha). Cyclamen is a plant and the substance that is used in the medicine apparently is also toxic (when you take too much) – so I need to be careful too with this that I don’t take too much. Just saying the word “pellets” makes me feel like I am a mouse or something – like I need to get fed my pellets. hahaha
Something really freaky though – I took the cyclamen last night before I went to bed and I had crazy dreams! I normally don’t dream that much but I remembered my dreams and I never felt like I was actually asleep. I took it again this morning – and I don’t really notice yet if my focus is any better. I will keep taking it just to see … and if I don’t notice anything in a week or so I’ll just stop. You’re not supposed to take homeopathic medicines for longer than the symptoms last anyway.
According to hpathy.com, here are some of the symptoms that Cyclamen Europaeum is supposed to treat:
Best suited for leuco-phlegmatic persons with anaemic or chlorotic conditions; easily fatigued, and in consequence not inclined to any kind of labor; feeble or suspended functions of organs or special senses.
Pains; pressive, drawing or tearing of parts where bone lie near the surface.
Ailments: from suppressed grief and terrors of conscience; from duty not done or bad act committed.
Great sadness and peevishness, irritable, morose, ill-humored; inclined to weep; desire for solitude; aversion to open air (rev. of Puls. ).
Headache in anaemic patients, with flickering before eyes or dim vision, on rising in morning.
Flickering before eyes, fiery sparks, as of various colors, glittering needles, dim vision of fog or smoke.
Satiety after a few mouthfuls ( Lyc. ), food then becomes repugnant, causes nausea in throat and palate.
Saliva and all food has a salty taste; pork disagrees.
Burning sore pain in heels, when sitting, standing or walking in open air ( Agar. , Caust. , Val. , Phyt. ).
Relations. – Compare: Puls. , Cinch. , Fer. in chlorosis, and anaemic affections; Croc. , Thuja as if some thing alive in abdomen.

On another health note – I ordered these foot patches called the Cleanse Patch. I spent too much money on these dang things and they still haven’t showed up yet. It says it only takes 5-7 days for them to show up, but nothin! And it’s been almost 2.5 weeks! My mom’s birthday card she sent me never showed up either. Damn. I have been reading a lot about people’s experiences with the cleanse patch and it’s really funny – people are so adament about things that are “quackery” and scams. I say, if it works for you and you believe it, then good!! Mind over matter. Self healing – the power of the mind is more than we know. So let people believe what they want to believe. Others that capitalize on it – to live off of it and make money – if they believe in it as much as their customers do, then fine! If they are knowingly jacking people of their cashola then okay that’s not cool. I still want to try them just for the hell of it.

I have done quite a few cleanses, and honestly I really really liked the 14 day Cleanse called The Cleaner. I also did the Ultimate Cleanse last year, but The Cleaner was a lot more gentle and I felt more of the effects in my skin as well as my intestines. The Ultimate Cleanse had a LOT of pills and more instructions and it seemed like once my intestines were cleared out – which only took about a week, but the cleanse takes 21 days, I felt like the pills weren’t doing anything. The Cleaner I felt working all the way up to the end of the 14 days.

Didn’t go to the gym yesterday because I had my stairway kids until 7:30 and didn’t wind up getting home till 9 since I took the light rail home. It’s alright though – I will make it up today. I couldn’t take it yesterday and totally ate a bunch of crap all day long. Wheat thins, beef jerky, shrimp tacos, rice, beans, with cheese. Oh man, it was too much for one day since I have been restricting my diet so much. I have been having slight stomache pains as well so maybe the cyclamen will help with that.

Okay enough on the health update. !!! Today is a good day – boss is gone at work.. WOOHOO!! 🙂

July 9, 2008

CERN particle accelerator

So I have been reading a LOT about the giant Hadron Collider…

And — all of the REPORTS keep drilling into everyone that it’s all hypothetical – and that the energy in space and time are constantly bombarding the earth with these energies millions of times a second. This may be true – BUT – it is also outside of our atmosphere. I have never heard of these energies being created inside or especially underground (where the accelerator is) – naturally. So… for them to say that these reactions and these ‘hypothetical’ situations are almost unfeasable … is crazy. they are completely feasable!!! We have NO idea what is going to happen when they turn it on. We are colliding hydrogen atoms together at almost light speeds in order to create new matter – look what happened when we split one atom. These collisions could do things that we have no idea. I feel like the report was somewhat vauge and their arguments is weak. (read it… tell me what you think…) It’s an experiment – exactly that. I am really interested to see what happens with this whole thing. For all they know – nothing could happen. For all they know – we could destroy the earth.
I am trying to find out exactly when this tentative date is that they plan on turning this thing on so that Sarah and I can have a “possible end of the world” party. They are waiting for all of the magnets to cool down to 1.9 degrees above absolute zero. Once that happens, they’ll turn it on. Does anyone know when this is supposed to be?? There is nothing on their website that says the timeline…..

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