talking to myself

March 27, 2012

always questioning

Filed under: health, Life, Venting — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 5:34 pm

I am not sure why it is that I am always questioning everything. Questioning my motives, questioning other peoples motives, questioning my decisions, questioning other peoples decisions. Wondering, striving to know more, wanting to see all sides of things… this just doesn’t get easier does it? I find myself more and more each day wondering what I am supposed to be doing. Wondering how to live my life and wondering what I am doing right or wrong… and why I even think of things as right or wrong…. there are many different ways to live and different ways to do things. ..sure some may be more efficient, some may be considered “better” by other people, but what if it isn’t “better” to me? People can be stubborn. I am stubborn. I like to enjoy and do things and take my time, I like to relax, I don’t like to be anxious. The past couple weeks have been so anxiety ridden that I have had a hard time functioning. My brain is on overload, my emotions are on overload and I feel like crying at least once a day. I don’t know how to make myself happy.. even with happy things going on. I have felt depressed… but this feels different… or maybe when I was depressed before it wasn’t actually depression and this is? I want to be happy. I want to do things I want to do. I want to follow through and be a person of integrity and strong moral character. I don’t like killing spiders. I don’t know why I take it to such a level that I find a moral problem with killing a spider…and before it was killed I wanted to take it and put on the other side of the fence or in the tree or something and instead it was smashed…then I was told “what you want to fight about me killing a spider? It is  a spider, get over it”… and I said .. “It didn’t do anything! Why did you have to kill it?” and the response, “I don’t like spiders”.. .. “but spiders are good”… “I know..” .. “Then why did you kill it?” … “You really want to fight about this?”… And… I take it to the level that this person is being inconsiderate and rude and not listening… and just wanting to get their way. Granted that is sort of what I wanted too, but I am tired to giving in. I am just so exhausted. I finally got a job and I can barely be happy about it because I am so frustrated and confused. I find myself multiple times a day wanting to crawl into a hole or just sleep or go away or something. Am I letting someone else have too much influence in my actions? Probably. Am I having to constantly think about my actions and words so to not upset someone else? Probably. Is this healthy? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I overthinking? Maybe. Should I keep worrying about it? Probably not. The days are going to go by. The time will go by. Things will happen, and more things will happen. I am a planner. I like planning, I like having lists, I like being productive. I have to do that. I am starting a job soon. That will give me structure and help me with my desire to plan and be productive. I am overwhelmed. All the time. I am with someone and I still feel lonely. I felt this way in my last relationship. Maybe I just have some sort of lonely problem. Some woe is me issue. Some type of “pay attention to me” issue? I don’t know. I just feel crappy today. I still haven’t been to the gym in over a week, and it’s raining. I can make excuses today but what about tomorrow????

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June 17, 2010

wow

Filed under: existence, Venting — crazygina @ 1:11 pm

So…. it’s been a really long time since I have posted anything on here. I have been talking to myself a lot, but not sharing much. Because I am a broken record. I keep telling myself the same things and I am realizing that you can only break a cycle by ACTING and THINKING differently… and not going back to what you thought before….or losing hope in yourself.

You have to have some sort of faith in yourself even though you are human. I think that’s why I have such a hard time with forgiving myself, just because I know the capacity to which we are all capable of being,  and that is scary.  But fear breeds guilt, it breeds sadness and it breeds control….it also creates patterns of behavior.

I don’t want to be scared.

June 23, 2009

“25” sentiments….

The feeling of

5 x 5

takes me to the future

the future I have made

but

my future quickly becomes my past

mistake infused

glee infested

lost pieces of memories

that find themselves

places to hide

moving forward, supposed to leave them behind

but I want to remember

yesterday’s faults

and I want to forgive

myself.

the feeling of

5 x 5

takes over

and I just can’t move on.

October 26, 2008

The Salton Sea Adventure

Just before sunrise at the salton sea

Just before sunrise at the salton sea

Salton Sea… day 4?? – October 18, 2008

I have been thinking a lot about what has been going on here. About our purpose with these sampling missions. Collecting little fish. Putting them in alcohol. Measuring them, weighing them. Wading around in irrigation ditches that look like small rivers. I really think they are much more suited to be called rivers than ditches actually. I have always been a skeptic of science. The humanitarian inside me is always fighting the scientist. This trip is has been so far really testing those issues.

As an example… there is an endangered fish, the Pupfish. We are catching Mollie’s and Mosquito Fish… who have overrun the ditches apparently and are kicking out the pupfish which is part of the reason they are endangered. Now… the Mosquito Fish are INTRODUCED to the area by other wildlife groups to eliminate a lot of the mosquito population.. but the Talipia that are already in the water do a better job at that than the mosquito fish do. But apparently they keep putting more mosquito fish in the water anyway. Mollies are aquarium fish. Apparently when people dump out their aquariums… the Mollies get out and breed and are now taking over. This is how extreme this dumb “scientific” project is… ready? Every day we catch tons of fish. We put about 50 or more into alcohol – and kill over 75 mollies and mosquito fish at each site. When they are in the traps, they actually just throw them into the dirt. We were in the lab… and apparently somehow a pupfish made it into our pile of Mollies… and the person in the lap screams, oh my God it’s a pupfish! Frantically – contaminates another sample (of plankton) by putting the pupfish in it. This fish is maybe 20cm long. It’s a itty bitty fish. So… she drives about 40 minutes and falls in the mud trying to put this fish back into the ditch. This one tiny fish that is endangered, because of us mind you, by the same person who throws 50 other fish into the dirt every day.

Okay so where am I going with this you are wondering? I was catching spiders in our place we are staying at and letting them outside instead of killing them. I mentioned that I don’t like to kill things. Someone said…. Well… you do realize that the fish are invasive species right? And someone else – not involved with our group – said that humans are also invasive species. This has been ringing in my mind ever since I heard that. Everything that we do, I am thinking – who the hell are we? To invade upon nature, fuck it up… and then kill everything because we fucked up? Two of the other girls here don’t get it. They actually make a point to let me know how many fish they kill sometimes. I am not this nieve, “oh my goodness, don’t kill the fishes! They are so cute!” type … I just don’t understand why the fish have to pay for our mistakes. At the same time… this goes to such a much bigger scale than just fish. It’s people too. How many people die during testing of a new drug? How many children suffer because of other’s mistakes? This is something that isn’t just happening in nature and in science. It is happening on every scale. Who the hell are we to just come in and do whatever the heck we want whenever we want. It’s also the “it’s not my problem” mentality. When I realized that this project we are doing isn’t for the good of the environment.. oh no… it’s for a company that doesn’t want to get fined by the govt. so he is paying for this test to find out if he is polluting the waters. We don’t test any other areas. Just the areas that this person wants us to test. It isn’t about the environment … or the fish… its about someone who doesn’t want to pay money in the future – so he is paying for it now. We aren’t concerned about any of the other fish or water in the other 50 to 75 sites that also drain into the salton sea. So … tell me SCIENCE .. how the hell is this actually a legit study?

Oh science, how you have failed me. I was so disappointed in you yesterday. When I found out that the liquid which is called DI Water – isn’t actually DI water (de-ionized water) it is just reverse osmosis filtered tap water basically. It’s not anything special. They actually told me that it isn’t really safe to drink. But… that is what we rinse all of the stuff with before we go out to “sterilize” it. In reality – the water is dirtier than what we drink. The people here don’t have good explanations for things either. We aren’t suppose to touch certain parts of tools so not to “contaminate” them… but so many other steps along the way could easily contaminate the sample so what the hell? Okay science, I know you’re supposed to eliminate as many variables as you can – but really… you can’t ever eliminate enough! So much of what we are doing out here is NOT nearly as regulated as I expected it to be. I don’t feel like this is science at all. The only thing making this trip feel even remotely legit is the scientific names for the fish.

I sound so cynical and upset and frusturated, but really.. I am having a good time. Wait, well, it’s not so good – more like just… a time. I am enjoying the experience. I like waking up when the sun comes up and being physically active all day. I LOVE LOVE being outside in the sun all day. Even when I am sitting on the bank of a “ditch” and looking for tiny worms in the soil, I get to soak in the sun, feel the breeze of the 87 degree day – and listen to the birds. Here, there are over 50 different species of birds that hang out. That is great.

salton sea birds!

salton sea birds!


I like being on a schedule. I was so broke before I came out here – so my groceries for the trip were VERY slim. I am eating ramen, spaghetti-o’s and tuna… while everyone else in the house has “real” food. At least I am completely forced to eat at home…. There isn’t anything else around here… My cell phone hardly even works.

I don’t think I am too fond of the other two girls on the trip. They are very haphazard with this whole thing. When I talk to either of them – they definitely don’t strike me as people I would trust with a science experiment – even a 2nd grade one making your own volcano.

Maybe I am taking it too seriously – thinking about everything too much. Before I came out here, I was looking for some kind of salvation. Some kind of sign of what to do with myself. Something to make things make sense… and well… nothing happened. So I get out here and am hoping for it to happen here.

It’s hunting season. While we are out in the field, we can hear the quacks of the ducks and the shotguns going off in the distance. I suppose that this is all part of the experience, but, HUNTING SEASON? Really? I am not sure what the universe is trying to say to me with so much death surrounding me right now. I don’t feel like death but I have daydreams of being shot by some off-stray hunters bullet, but surviving it. It’s weird what you start to think of after you have spent 2 hours sifting through mud looking for tiny red worms. Anyway, back to the surroundings… not sure what it means, if at all anything. I should stop trying to overanalyze all of it and just do my job. I just can’t stop asking why. Everything, every day. Why why why why why why why why. I almost have irritated myself with it. I can’t stop though. I think it’s getting me through the days, but so many questions go unanswered. So many. These people don’t know the answers. But do they need to? So many people go through life but never even ask themselves the question, why? I think in people’s job’s they go through the same motion so many times that eventually they forget why they even do it. We shouldn’t forget why, even when the why changes… and “just because” – is NOT sufficient.

*sigh* Well.. this is all making my brain hurt and I have to take a shower. I guess I will continue to reflect on these experiences as I have them and keep on with our 12 hour days. Up at 5:45 and we usually get done working around 6:15 or so. Today we got done at 6. I will write more tomorrow. I haven’t done much writing .. I should have written more the past few days but I think I was still trying to take it in. I still am now too. I don’t know what is going to come out of this whole thing. I should stop thinking so much.

another work spot

another work spot



Salton Sea – part 2. 10/19/08

The bunnies here are creepy. I walked outside going to look for a signal so I could give my mom a call since I know she is worried about me (she’s always worried. That’s what mom’s do right?). Well.. on the walk back, I notice there are a crazy amount of bunnies. At first I was like, oh how cute, look at all the bunnies. Then… as I continued to walk I noticed that sometimes they didn’t scurry right away. I looked to my right. Bunnies. Staring at me. I looked to my left. More bunnies… I looked ahead… bunnies. And behind me… more bunnies had blocked the path I had just came from. I walked forward towards the bunkhouse and the bunnies hopped away – slowly. Not without turning back and looking at me as I pass. As if to say… we’re watching. Creepy.

So today was alright. I decided to stop asking questions. I think I am irritating the other two girls on the trip – I mean … for right reason though. They hardly know this job much better than I do, and I have never done this shit before. One of the girls today accidentally killed one of the endangered pupfish. She never said anything. Never manned up to it. A photographer was here taking pictures and I was eavesdropping on her taking pictures of one of the girls collecting fish traps. The girl measured the fish and then threw it back into the water. I heard the photographer clearly say, “it’s dead. Look.. it’s floating over there.. the one you just threw in.” Instead of notifying our boss that the fish had died, she went along her merry way. This is the same type of fish that the other girl drove an extra 40 minutes out of her way to go drop one into a river. The frantic “omg it’s a pupfish” debacle that happened in the lab yesterday. Oh this whole thing is so silly.

It’s such a joke. I still do my job. I sit out in my waders – that have a hole in the crotch – and collect worms. I also throw out the dredge into the water to get the sediment in the morning. It’s an active day. I think I said this yesterday but I will reiterate again how much I really love to sit in the sun. I will probably be in withdrawls when I finally get back home … I will have to find a way to get outside. The door is a good start.

I am still not sure what to do about this whole life thing. I appreciate it. I think we’re dumb species as it is – I mean sure we’re smart machine wise, but not conscious wise. Too many people just go about their days and don’t stop to think of other people much less their surroundings. Oh man I gotta do something about me thinking this way. I am going to turn into one of those cynical wackos that talks about the end of the world and crap. Oh wait.. I kind of already am. Damn. Well… I am working on it. Despite the unknowing of the future of our existence and the purpose of life, I think I am still somewhat positive. I am a happy person. I enjoy others. I enjoy others company. I like to talk and interact and live life. I like being with and helping other people. I don’t hate all of it as some cynics do. If I ever lose that, oh dear lord help us all.

My co-worker (the one I get along with) is quite the cynic. She told me that life was meaningless and pointless. I told her that if that is true, if this is in fact it, if there is absolutely nothing after this and nothing before and everything should be taken as face value, then I would definitely kill myself. I would encourage everyone to kill themselves. Maybe I would start a cult of some kind and we could do some crazy mass suicide. I mean, seriously… if this is it, and this is all of it… and there is no point to this whole thing… then um.. if there’s no point, then um… what’s the point? (However, Stephan Jenkins said, “and life is pointless, but what’s so wrong with that?”)Although if it was common knowledge that there was absolutely nothing to our existence than our physical cells then I suppose that more people would be offing themselves already so I might not need to start a cult. Anyhow… I proceeded to explain to her that she is wrong. She has to be wrong. And if she isn’t…. well… then I’m wrong, but I will continue living because I know (or at least I think so?) that there is some reason I am still alive right now and there is something I am meant to do on this earth and I don’t think it is to start a cult and lead people to their deaths.

I wish that I wasn’t getting all deep with everything nowadays. I can hardly do anything without thinking – what’s the point? Then getting all crazy and being like, WHATS THE POINT OF IT ALL???!! It’s kind of funny when I read it that way – but… it’s not funny damnit.

So what’s next? Another day. Another dollar? My eyes aren’t really open yet. I just go through the motions, but I am very glad that I have motions to go through. It’s hard to sit at home and try to come up with your own motions to go through. I’m tired. Again. I have been going to bed around 8:30ish. It’s easier to wake up at 5:45 and work a 12 hour day. Also – besides writing and reading that book about immortality, death and reincarnation – I don’t have much else to do.

sitting at my "desk"
Part de Tres – Salton adventures October 20, 2008

I decided that if I stop questioning everything (again) I will have a better time out here. Just going along with the daily stuff and no more why why whys. At least not out loud. I still say them all day long in my head though. Today wasn’t such a long day – we were done in 11 hours instead of 12. I am wondering if anyone that is reading this .. if anyone actually read this far … was hoping that my salton sea reminisce would be more like, “today we went to a new place. We caught lots of fish and I got real muddy. It’s so much fun!” I mean… I could be saying all those things as well… but is it really exciting to hear in detail about how we muck through the water and sit down in a duck area picking worms out of the soil as some kind of weird bird hisses at us through the reeds? I guess I could throw those kinds of things out there too. Example: I kind of felt like a duck today. The place we were sitting was the perfect spot for a duck party. I mean… perfect. If I was a duck I would definitely hang out there. That’s probably why they were quacking at us – they must have been planning some huge duck get together at that spot and then we totally bashed the party. Bummer. See.. we humans suck!

Duck Party area

Duck Party area

Ugh. Anyway – today wasn’t quite as exciting. I didn’t really think as much. I didn’t really think much of anything actually. I can’t remember much about today besides the whole duck thing. My mind wandered off on the duck scenario for a while.

I have a movie here that I wanted to watch. I don’t even have time to watch a movie… because most movies are about 2 hours or so, and by the time we get home, I eat dinner, take a shower and get ready for bed its 7:30ish and then I usually go to bed around 8:30 depending how much time I write this junk and/or how much time I read. I might try to watch it tonight since we got home early and in writing this it’s barely 6pm.

Who would have thought that I would be going to bed at 8:30 and actually be able to fall asleep? Sometimes I don’t even go out until after 10pm. Hahahaha. Oh geeze.

I still haven’t taken time out to see the stars yet. I plan to do that very soon. There is one light around here that is right in front of our place so I’ll have to walk a little ways to see them clearly. If I can get through the bunnies that is.

I won’t be able to do a band interview and/or any stories for Fringe this month because I didn’t get them done before I left. :\ I feel horrible because I told Jared that I would for sure get FFG in there in November. Boooooo on me.

I don’t know where my head will be when I get back. Like I said before – I am just grateful to have motions to go through and I don’t have to self motivate. That is getting draining on me for sure. Everything is draining on me. Tomorrow is our 7th day here. Isn’t something supposed to happen on the 7th day?

I have noticed that I am not really getting sunburnt because my arms get so dirty with the dirt and the mud that it blocks the sun. The first few days the first thing I did when I got in the water is reach down and grab a glob of mud and put them on my arms. I rubbed it over my arms and voila! Sunscreen. Even with the mudscreen my arms are getting a fantastic farmers tan. If only my entire body was the color that my arms are right now, that would be awesome.

One of the girls here today actually attempted to make conversation with me. I was impressed. I am not sure that she was really prepared for my answer though when she asked me about my family as part of some “small talk.” I don’t really do small talk too much. Especially about my family. There isn’t really a short answer on that one. That’s a whole different book. But isn’t everyone’s family?!

Okay I don’t have much else to write. I am not really as angry or upset about any of this much anymore. I don’t like having to clean all the gear at the end of the day – that sucks. But whatever. It’s my job. Eh.

golden like the sunrise

golden like the sunrise



The salty sea…. October 22nd, 2008

Today we went out to another site to collect the tiny worms that we hadn’t gotten enough of the first time and some algae. I was in the water and working for at least an hour before the two girls got into the water. When we starting picking for worms… they went on 2 bathroom breaks and lunch before I had even taken a break at all. We stopped early because they thought we had collected enough. Well… wrong. So basically – the entire day was a complete waste. Wtf.

the worms we had to pick out.

the worms we had to pick out.

Wasting my time is probably the most irritating thing to me. Wasting my time and disappointing me. Those are the two worst. Well… now we have to go back to that site for a 3rd time to get enough samples. They seemed really bummed that they had to go back because she swore that we had enough of the samples… she really thought that we had enough so I can’t blame her too much for it. If I had an outlet of some kind while I am here – besides writing this – I think that would be nice. I guess not being able to chit chat with my friends more or on the internet or on the phone is making it harder to deal with Basically feeling like while I am out here that I have no friends (at least in this vicinity)… it’s weird.

We saw a snake today .. one of the girls (the one who is afraid of spiders) grabbed the damn thing to try to “play with it”… so odd that she is afraid of spiders but will just grab a wild snake. I think that the reason I am being so nitpicky about the two girls that are here is because they are the only ones to analyze. I have spent so long doing it inward that I think I am trying to find some type of something interesting to latch onto in these people and it’s not really happening.. it’s just making me irritated. I hate that when I am sitting in the water – with the breeze across my face – and the birds cawing watching the fish in the water … that I am irritated with some stupid human. I don’t want to go back home and feel like I was so distracted with what was going on inside my head that I couldn’t even enjoy the experience for the beauty that it is.

And I find the areas we are in…. beautiful. Even though they aren’t considered beautiful areas to many other people…? I have to remember to take my camera with me so I can get pictures. It’s tough because the areas are so mucky and muddy and I am afraid of my camera getting lost. It already got mud stuck in one of the buttons :\

another work spot

another work spot

Depending how long it takes us to get the rest of the samples at the other sites, we might be back sooner than we thought. Which I would love to get back even sooner – BUT – I really need the money to pay my rent and now it’s sounding like I am barely going to have it covered now since I miscalculated the amount in the beginning and if we come back sooner, that’s less money. AARRRRGGGGG!! I HATE MONEEEEYYY!! I HATE ITTTT!!!

I am more tired today even though we had a shorter day. I think these non-stop days are starting to wear on me… every day up at 5:45 … I don’t know if I could do this as a career with no days off. I would need a day off after at least 7 days.. we have been going strong at this now for 9 days with no days off. Wooo. Maybe that is also another thing that is making me analyze everything. Eh, probably not…. Because I was thinking all this junk even on the first day.

I am trying to control my brain lately but it’s been tough – it seems like my thoughts are very frequently getting way out of my control. My imagination goes all crazy and it’s hard to make it stop. A little crazy much?

Something has to come of this whole experience. Not sure what. Maybe the less I think about it, the easier it will come to me… I’ll try to cleanse my mind of all this crap tonight and see if I can have a better tomorrow. I haven’t actually smiled a real smile or laughed a real laugh since I have been here. I almost smiled when I was looking at a picture of my cat on my camera. Can’t I just regress and have my teenage angst emo stage at 24? I am so going to do it. Black hair?!!!!

The Salton See. October 23rd, 2008

I had a good day today. I had a chance to talk to one of the girls and get a lot of this stuff off my chest. She didn’t like it. As a matter of fact…. She cried. Told me that she gets depressed out here too… and was highly offended that I felt she didn’t really know the job as well as she acted. I told her that it’s okay to mess up and to not know how to do something. We all make mistakes… anyway… I didn’t want to feel bad for making her feel bad when she and her friend have made me feel terrible this whole trip. She said that they didn’t like my negativity and questioning everything. I told her that I was depressed and that kind of comes along with it unfortunately. I think she took everything that I said wrong.. as a personal attack on her, when it wasn’t meant that way at all.

waders are not flattering

waders are not flattering

Anyway – I sure have spent a long time here just babbling about nonsense. I don’t think I have really said too much even in these 8 pages about the trip. I am really impressed if anyone actually read it this far. I am very tempted to go back and change all of my negative stuff to things that are somewhat positive and/or just take them out. As a way to somewhat attempt to become more positive in the long run? It turns out that we are going to be coming home now a lot sooner than we had expected. Much sooner. Instead of coming back on the 31st we are going to probably be driving back on the 26th! I guess that means I will get to see people and use my phone again.

I was able to touch bases with a few friends through text so that has kind of also made me feel a little bit better about being out here. I hadn’t really talked to many people since I got out here. That maybe made it tougher too? I don’t know. I guess it’s one of those you never know what you don’t appreciate until you don’t have it. I would definitely go crazy if I got lost on a desert island somewhere with no phone and no way to contact anyone. I never saw castaway – but I’ve heard about it. It would probably be like that. I should watch the movie one of these days.

I think that trudging through some bushes today I really tore up the sides of my arms. They are all scratched up and kind of bumpy as if I walked through cactus or something. They hurt like a mo-fo. I tried to put some stuff on it to help it heal faster, but who knows if it will work. We had a really long day today – 13 hours. We were out picking worms till 4:30 and we totally lost track of time. I was washing the gear until almost 6. That’s the other thing – they totally have me doing the bitch work of washing all the gear every day. All the waders, all the shoes, all the sives. Ugh. Oh well.. I suppose somebody’s gotta do it. Might as well make the newbie.

I am enjoying this more today than I did any other day and now we only have two more days of work left. I kind of have gotten used to this whole schedule thing. Just in time to go home…. Bah!

At the same time, I just want to be in my bed with my kitty cat and sleeping till I want. Only a few more days.

the moon!

the moon!


October 25th, 2008 – the last salty day.

Today was our last day of work out here. We are driving all day tomorrow. I could tell that everyone here is very anxious to get home. I am too… but just so I don’t have to deal with these people anymore. I loved the work. I loved the area. I loved being away (except the no internet thing..). They just don’t really “get” me I guess? It’s hard to just do your job when you have to live with and see the people you work with literally 24/7… unless you close yourself up in your room. I tried to be friends with these people but they just didn’t respond to me. The past few days they literally didn’t even respond when I talked. As if I hadn’t even said anything.

They treated me like a lower life form. As if what I said had no substance at all. Example… yesterday – we were going through the samples we had taken and one of the girls asked me to pick through the plankton from that day. The one sample was ridiculous, it had TONS of tiny seeds in it – that we are supposed to pick out. So I suggested, ya know, we really should decant this first…there are tons of seeds in here. But she insists that I pick it. So I spent 30 minutes. Hear that?! Thirty damn minutes picking out these little seeds in the sample. Even after 30 minutes there were still seeds in it. I took a break from that one to pick the other one that was a little less laborious. I got distracted washing something from earlier. The other girl comes in and she looks at the plankton sample that I was picking that had all the seeds in it. The boss comes over and says, oh yea, decant that. So the other girl decants it. After I had just wasted half an hour picking out the seeds. I mentioned that I had just spent half an hour picking out the little seeds. No response. From anyone. They basically ignored me. I noticed then that since then, and even before then, they just ignore me. Maybe they decided that they didn’t like me and wasn’t going to listen to anything I had to say anymore?

I went out to see the stars last night. I took a little flashlight and forged out to the street area … but it was really scary. Being by myself, walking through the desert, listening to the sounds of the birds and other various desert animals. Way creepy. I couldn’t bring myself to walk all the way to the lookout to watch the birds near the refuge, it was just too scary out there , I kept thinking somebody was going to jump out from somewhere and attack me or something. I am less scared walking down broadway at 2am.

We went to this place called salvation mountain today. The man who built/painted the whole thing was actually hanging out there. He was eating his dinner out of a can. Apparently the mountain is pretty famous. My co-workers couldn’t stop talking about how the place was in a movie. Nevermind the fact that the guy had a spiritual epiphany that drove him to build it.

salvation mountain

salvation mountain


The old man we met seemed very bored. Very just going through the motions. He told us how he built some of the stuff inside, with old tires and things like that. He was excited that his mountain is getting more interest by people, but just sat back down and didn’t say too much. I really really wanted to ask him about his vision and what keeps him motivated, but… I couldn’t. My co-workers were standing around and ready to go and it didn’t really seem like the time to ask a question like that. So, I was at a place called SALVATION MOUNTAIN and didn’t even get a chance to ask the man who built it about it.

Okay in the beginning of this trip I was depressed. I was reaching out, searching for meaning. I wanted someone to talk to, someone to connect to, something to make sense. It didn’t happen. Instead, what I learned from this trip is that even if you are depressed and trying to find meaning in life, something lame with come along and bug you so badly that you can’t even keep your head on straight to be depressed. All I could think about was the ridiculousness of these people and their selfishness. I suppose that it definitely took the me out of my depression. I couldn’t even think straight. I tried to – but I just didn’t feel right being here with no one to talk to, and my mind is too mush to make sense of things right now.

dead fish

dead fish

I really really want people. I want to have people around. I want to have friends. I really do. I think that I learned that out here too. I am little miss independent all the time and want to always to everything by myself. I never like to think that I really need anyone. I am sure that if time permitted, I probably could have gotten through this okay – but without having friends or someone to text or maybe talk to every once in a while, I don’t think I would have rationally made it through this trip. I do want friends and I want people. I still have a hard time saying that I need anyone… but I am leaning closer towards needing after this trip. I can’t wait to get home…. And just be. I suppose that’s all I can do – combined with where we have been. Where have we been? If there’s more, there’s more. If there isn’t… there isn’t?

the wisdom tree

the wisdom tree

August 18, 2008

alive

Filed under: Life, people, random, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 3:42 pm

So – this weekend and these past few days have been interesting.

I feel like a broken record the way I recount my experiences, and I don’t know exactly what to do differently.

I don’t feel like there is anything I am doing wrong – at least not to me – but when people don’t get what they want…. and you have the power to give it to them – they get angry. Angry, hurtful, personal… selfish.

I am not a selfish type of person – but people who accuse me and make me feel like I am being selfish because they are not getting what they want out of me angers me …. and it makes my attitude towards them change. Then, I do become selfish.

I will not “give in” to anyone who makes me feel like I am doing too much for myself…. because I only just recently adapted a new outlook on being more in tune with myself than letting my decisions be completely based off of other people and what they want.

Now… I’m doing what I want.

It’s hard. I don’t like it. I keep telling myself I will be happier in the end, and that all the strife and the hurting that has happened in the past due to constantly giving in is worse than whatever I am feeling now.. which I can’t exactly put my finger on. And if I give in… then I am going right back to the way things always were, and there’s no change or progress.

On a completely different note than the one that is the tone of today’s blog .. I bought my third eye blind tickets today. Excited about that….but even then… not too stoked because I feel so bogged down by everything else.

The stress is making my stomache have massive freak outs.

I took too much relora trying to calm myself down and it’s taking days to get it all out of my system – my pee is still neon green after 2 days (sorry for the TMI).

Anyway – this is my last week of work. I better make use of the time that I have here… even if it is a short while. I am glad it’s already almost 3. The time is whizzin by.

I was slightly dissapointed with the turnout last night at the show – but the bands still did a great job. I was stoked that The Hoods busted out a suprise set. Crazy.

August 6, 2008

dance it off…

Filed under: existence, Life, people, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 3:15 pm

So I have been really stressed lately – and yesterday I was a ball of rage. Walking down the street with the look of death in my eyes ready to spring on anyone that disagreed or even anyone who wanted to engage in human interaction with me. It wasn’t really pretty. I am suprised I actually went to lunch with Sarah and didn’t blow up on her.

I wanted to go home from work and go to the gym and work out until I passed out so I could release some of this stress and hopefully make myself feel better…. and I got home – and did get to go to the gym – and I pushed myself but not as hard as I probably could have. I still had energy when I got home – it’s hard to wear myself out…. anyway so I remembered that my friend Eve said she wanted to go out to Old I and dance – so I wound up meeting up with her but she didn’t even get to my apartment until 11. The she drove all the way out to roseville to get Colin and we went out.

It felt really good to get out and not be working and just dance and see people that I knew yelling my name as I walked up hahahaha, I feel like such a celebrity when people do that. It’s awesome. 🙂 For some reason other people enjoy yelling my name… ?

This whole losing my “student” job thing is killing me. I keep wondering what the hell I am going to do with myself and I want to get a job .. but I dont know where – I don’t know what kind of job – it’s just a big change… HUGE change. I just want to focus on my shows….

So I got to dance off all the stress…and it WORKED! This morning I didn’t feel like waking up and coming into work so I slept in…..I rolled out of bed around 10:30 and then strolled in…. come to find out my boss isn’t even here (again!). It is really really hard to be motivated to come into work knowing that I only have 2 more weeks here…. with hardly anything to do. Not only that – unemployment sent me a thing saying that I am eligible for unemployment – so I just want to stop working now and start getting unemployment …. then I can do my shows and work on promoting all day instead of coming in here! *sigh*

Well – se la vie. I will continue to push forward. Do what I need to do…. work hard and try very hard not to get in a rut and become pessimistic or get in a “hate the world” attitude. But it’s really tough these days. Real tough.

July 22, 2008

I hate that….

It really bothers me when people who are your “really good friends” use that against you when they are upset. I understand forgive and forget, but I really feel like I am being projected onto because of other people’s personal issues.

Anyway – I think I am going a little boy crazy lately and this is a very new thing for me. I have never really been actively distracted by men too much – but for some reason I’ve been just out and about and feeling like I could actually go on a date or two. I never date. I just don’t. I just have always kind of felt like when you met that person you’re supposed to be with – you’ll know .. and so dating around has never really appealed to me. But.. now I’m starting to think … crap! I have been single my entire life… maybe I should let myself date…? It’s the weirdest thing for me … so I guess I just have to try it out and see if I like it or not. There isn’t any other way to find out except just experiencing it I guess. Although – thinking about dating boys/men is starting to distract me. I know that I am a big flirt already so it’s just making it worse. oh geeze.

At least I am still doing what I need to do – taking care of work, and my shows. Working hard. I have two interviews next week (THANK GOODNESS) for new jobs since I lose my job in about a month.

I am antsy right now.

I took a nap in the park this afternoon and meant to only sleep for an hour but I wound up being out there for two hours…. it was actually kind of nice, but I wish now that I slept in the shade. I like being hot though. It feels good.

I went dancing again last night – I love dancing but I have to stop getting so intoxicated so that I can have more fun and not make an ass of myself or be dancing all up on people like I was last night. Not looking forward to those pictures. oh man. I asked Nick not to post them….but I doubt that he really cares.

Anyway – I better get back to work.

July 21, 2008

What constitutes a good time?

How many things have to go “right” vs. “wrong” before you’re having a good time. I know some people go out and something bothers them so much that they don’t have fun. Others just let it roll off their backs and just have a good time anyway….

That really didn’t have much to do with why I clicked on “write post” today. I had a very interesting past four days. I am learning so much lately – I feel like I am actually making some kind of forward progress and it’s all stemming from sticking to my ground and doing what I want. All the while, not being persuaded by others. Which leads me to believe that I need to continue sticking to what I want, which I have never done before because I always try to make everyone else happy. I have made a vow to myself to not become involved in situations that I don’t have as much control over as possible, so that if shit hits the fan, it’s my own fault. Which sucks for other people – but I do what I have to do.
I don’t want to owe anybody. I don’t want to be obligated to anyone. I DO want help, but I do NOT want guilt. I want team-mates, but I need to be the captain.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking for team-mates. If someone doesn’t want to be on my team they don’t have to …. !
Anyway – enough with the silly analogies.
The weekend was good. Show on friday night – after party – then saturday I did some laundry and chilled out – and had another show last night.
I am really excited about The Upstairs … the shows are getting better and better and the word is really spreading.
This week should be decent. Working – promoting – booking – gym .. continuing to not let dumb shit get to me. Optimism – day 21. It’s still working. Mostly. haha Show again on sunday – which I still need another band for – but I will get someone on my lunch break when I can get on myspace and get some stuff confirmed. I really like my life right now. I am not sure how I am going to get by in August when I lose my job, but I know that I will…. so I am not too worried. I just keep working hard. Work work work.

July 18, 2008

FUCK!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost my phone. My lifeline. I have a fucking show tonight and no way to contact anyone. No way to find out if my sound guys are gonna show up on time, no way to find out who the opening band is because a band dropped off yesterday….. no way to know if the bands are going to be late. Shit shit shit. Normally I wouldn’t be so worried about losing my phone – but it is a show day. On show days, a phone is important.

FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

I don’t want to do anything today – I want to go home and lay in my bed and sleep and think about life (maybe go to the gym?). My roommate always knows what to say to me to make me think anyway – he said some things to me this morning again, in the vein of that I am slutty and have no respect for myself or him…and that he shouldn’t care about me if I don’t care about him. We have this crazy brother sister type relationship…. it’s really odd. I understand where he is coming from – and I probably have done slutty things for sure, but I do have respect for myself and for him and his girlfriend. Ah well – I should be telling him this not blogging it. Maybe I should just amend my timesheet and go home. Fuck. I need to wait until 3 when the place I hope my phone is opens, its right by my work….. so I can’t really go home.
Why do I make all these damn flyers and then the fucking bands drop off ??? Okay I am just venting now. Shit.
This is going to be a loooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg day. I’m cold. This building is cold.
I can’t wait for tomorrow so that I can just chill the fuck out. because I have a show sunday too. …

once again.

Fuck.

July 17, 2008

change = progress

So if change = progress what are we changing? Are you changing? Is someone else changing? We want everyone else to change but don’t want to have to change ourselves? Or we want to change ourselves…. but we don’t…. ?
I try to think of the things that I want to change and then put them into categories…
What I physically can change…
What I can influence to hopefully change…
What I want to change…
What I can’t change..

and a lot of them overlap too… But once they fall into the “what I can’t change” category I have to be able to let it go. Because there are a few things that you can’t change… and one huge one is other people. If someone has no desire to change themselves there is NOTHING you can do….and all the years of energy and effort and care and concern will really do absolutely nothing in the long run. Isn’t that disheartening? What about those who feel that if you keep at it… eventually… maybe someday.. something will change? It’s possible. It happens occasionally… but when do you stop and when do you “give up”? I am not a giver-uper. I don’t give up easily … so maybe that’s why I am so disheartedned when nothing changes?
It’s kind of funny that I perservere through so much and at the same time I am really impatient. Don’t know how that works. haha

Anyway – this ramble today was brought to by the word, “CONTROL”, and the number 8.

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