talking to myself

August 12, 2012

uncertian

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 4:20 pm

I took a big step yesterday. I moved out from my boyfriends house after almost a year. I don’t want to break up with him. I still love him very much… but his problems and his issues are too much for me to handle on a day to day basis. I am unable to detach myself from his problems while living under the same roof…..because his problems over time start to become my problems… his schedule, his sleeping patterns, he makes bad decisions, does things that are self defeating and hurts himself emotionally, he can be very negative and depressed….very unhappy despite how good things may be. 

There is nothing I can do for him. I can’t cheer him up, can’t get him to see that things aren’t so bad, can’t talk any sense into him when he is in a funk, but I love him and to see someone you love go through it on a continuous basis – and not receive any of his attention because he is so busy and wrapped up in his problems… it hurts so bad. So I had to leave and remove myself from the situation. He was not sleeping, not coming to bed, not eating very often… all sorts of things.. and I suspected some sort of drug abuse but I am not certain, I know that stress can cause similar issues.

I just want him to get better and take care of himself. He is an adult and will be 30 this year. I don’t know that me staying is helping. Although he told me many times he didn’t want me to leave, that he enjoyed me being around… there were times he would get upset and say mean things and I would feel so sad and rejected. It was horrible. 

I have been a back and forth sobbing mess. Sometimes I am totally fine then sometimes I think of little things that we did together and smaller day to day things that I will miss. Things like taking showers together or him never putting away any of his stuff but always hanging up my purse for me. Getting goodnight and goodbye kisses whenever I went anywhere…. so I remember the good things then I flip and remember the things that made me want to leave. 

I haven’t seen him in a couple days .. he has been working on a project out of town. I moved out while he was out of town… this weekend so I would have some time to decompress and get my stuff out… well most of my stuff anyway – not all of it. 

I am not sure what the future holds…. when I am rational and feeling good..this makes sense and I assume it is going to make our relationship stronger and more fun – and our time together will be more special. But then I get emotional and I start fearing the worst… that we will drift apart and the relationship will end or he will miss me and become upset that I left… he seems fine right now… 

It hurts me because I didn’t really WANT to leave. I did it because everyone told me that once I get out I will be able to gain a better perspective on things and things will be more clear and then I will be able to make better decisions for myself.. I understand that .. and I guess it was worth trying. I suppose there was enough truth to it for me to somehow force myself to move. I cried and cried and cried… and being over there it still feels like home. 

This is going to take a lot of getting used to. I don’t know how I feel about it yet… it has only been a day…I need more time and he needs more time for it to sink in. He hasn’t even been home yet.

I still miss him… but.. I missed him even when we LIVED together. He would be so busy and have so much to do and I would get cranky and upset because he wouldn’t spend enough time with me…I am antsy to see how things progress from here. We will be together a year on August 27th. That is only two weeks away…less than two weeks actually. I hope that this step back will help us enjoy each other more with less pressure. 

I want this to be some time we take for ourselves. For him to work on what he needs to and for me to do the same. I just got a new job and it is important for me to be able to wake up early and get ready and I also need to get to bed early and have less distractions. I worry too much about him when I am there and it winds up affecting my day. He tells me not to worry but despite that, my feelings don’t allow me to – not when I am seeing it every day. Now I won’t have to see it every day anymore. 

*sigh*

I just want to be happy and have a positive encouraging relationship. I want to make sure that this is going to be able to last. I want us to get through this rough time and hopefully this time apart will make us stronger… individually and also together. 

June 29, 2012

density

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 1:11 pm

The density of matter is what makes it more or less malleable… able to adapt to its surroundings or environment.. to change shape… 

What about dense people? They are stuck. So absorbed in themselves that they fail to see the other side of anything. They fail to see (or care) about any other agenda.

A simple, “how was your day” would be nice. A simple, “good morning” would be nice. 

Small, simple things that mean more than anything. It is NOT complicated. There isn’t more to it, it goes back to just…. be nice. Give respect and courtesy to all people. Family, friends…most strangers. 

I find myself in the same position I was a year ago and I guess I am finding myself in the same predicament… to move on or hang on? 

It is hard. Hard to think that the cycles of my life have brought me back to the same place. It may be the same place but I feel different. It doesn’t make it easier. I want to believe that I am seeing things wrong, I want to believe that my perceptions are skewed and that the reality of the situation is something different than what I think I am seeing. I want to believe that

Am I trying to force myself into something again? Am I pushing things? I don’t understand the “distance” thing. I never have. Wanting to be with someone but then pushing them away – but keeping them just close enough to get back if you want to. I feel like a fish on a REALLY long line. Sometimes the line gets pulled in tight and sometimes the line goes all the way out to sea 😦 

Maybe I am struggling? I don’t feel like I am putting up a fight. What happens to a fish that doesn’t struggle? It’s no fun to catch. Perhaps that is the problem. I am too easy. Too easy to reel in … 

It’s all one big game. But isn’t life just one big game anyway? Should I be concerned? Should I stop worrying and thinking about it? Should I stop noticing little things ??

This is ridiculous. I deserve to be treated like I am special, because I am. I want to feel like my boyfriend is MY BOYFRIEND. Just because he “isn’t feeling it” that day – doesn’t mean he can treat me differently day to day. That’s exactly what is going on. Whatever inner turmoil is going on with him, he wants me but he doesn’t???? I don’t know. Too much thinking about this stupid crap.

I am tired. I am tired of all of it. I am exhausted. I can’t tell if I am happy or not. I suppose I am in the same boat then. I am basing my happiness too much off getting positive attention from my boyfriend…but what the hell is the point of a boyfriend if they hardly kiss you, don’t like to cuddle….

I read an interesting article: http://primal-page.com/cuddle.htm

This put some things into perspective…. it’s just not easy 😦  

 

June 9, 2012

alone

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 11:11 pm

I want to feel alive, want to feel close to you, close to me

I want to feel alone, close to me, far from you

I want something else, I want something

want want want want want

don’t you want? want want want

what do I want

what you want

you you you you you

I am so alone 

I am so close

so close

so needing 

so wanted

it’s what makes sense

the timing, the feeling, the reality

I am reality 

I am the fantasy

can I live here

can I take you with me?

 

 

 

///////////////////////

 

 

Synthetically modified

genetically differenciated

I am different

You are different

Have a couple drinks

See a couple shrinks

I can feel my pain

all of our pain is all of their gain

deeds to see

the deeds have been done

can you see the future for me please?

come with me

come to the past

we can make it to the future

I am there.

It’s alright.

May 19, 2012

the letter that blacklisted me

I worked at a temp agency for six weeks and this outlines my experience. After I sent this letter – I was blacklisted from the temp agency. I have removed the financial information from this so to not have any backlash from the temp agency but I thought it was worth sharing…. to share the unjustice that was done to me. 

 

I have been a temporary assistant at FMC Schilling Robotics for almost
6 weeks. During my time I have worked under Meagan Anderson in
marketing. I have thoroughly enjoyed my work here, learning about the
company, the emerging technologies and positive culture that FMC
Schilling Robotics has bred. I have been able to assist Meagan on
mostly administrative tasks as well as some marketing projects.
Specifically I was able to cut up and sync the audio to the training
videos and work on rebranding the brochures, datasheets and templates.
I have always been interested in technology; my BA degree is in
Communications with an emphasis on digital media. I am constantly
learning about new efficient ways to use technology to streamline and
improve processes. I have expressed a great desire to Meagan to learn
more about the company and the technology at Schilling. I was able to
receive a tour of the manufacturing facility, but at the end of the
tour, I was looking forward to debriefing with Meagan and instead I
was told to go back to my desk (where I did not have any tasks
waiting). I have also expressed this desire to learn to Tamara Gordon.
Tamara and I had the opportunity to work on formatting and organizing
the HD ROV Level 1 Training Course handbook. Working as a team with
Tamara was great. She was friendly, nice and clear with her
directions, I truly felt valued and the work was very enjoyable.

Yesterday, I received a phone call from my temporary agency Robert
Half Technologies that I was not to return to work tomorrow. This came
to me as a complete shock as I had lunch with Meagan earlier that day.
At our lunch I expressed to her my desire to become more involved and
to know more about the projects she is working on and to have more
focused work. I felt like Meagan had been treating me as if I was
lower than her. I didn’t feel like part of a team and I wanted to be
of more help to her. I told her that I work much better with project
based work where I am familiar with processes and the background of
tasks. I hadn’t received any deliverables for the week and when I
asked her for them, she told me she didn’t have time to give me any. I
explained to her that made it hard for me to do my job and she said
that was just how marketing was and she didn’t even have a list for
herself for that week. Iasked her if I could help her get more
organized with her projects and she seemed offended. She then
explained to me that I was a temporary assistant and that she didn’t
see reasoning as to why to include me on bigger projects when I am not
going to be there in a couple of weeks. Although it disheartened me, I
understood this. I told her that while I was disappointed that there
was no hope for advancement and/or an extension of my contract, I
would continue to come to work and do my job to the best of my ability
for the rest of my time at FMC Schilling Robotics. I felt grateful to
be able to speak to Meagan so candidly at our lunch, because I had
understood we went to lunch to try to get a better understanding of
each other and our work styles. I did not feel threatened at the time,
I thought we were just having a conversation. I offered to pay for
lunch and Meagan used her business card for it, which I was surprised
at. As Meagan left work today she told me “see you tomorrow,” knowing
full well that I would not be there the next day because she had told
the temp agency that I was not working out.

I am aware of the workload that Meagan has and I was more than willing
to help. I was disappointed that at my rate of xxxx an hour and a
bill rate of xxxx an hour, that I was being used to fold shirts and
update templates with very little structure to my work. I continue to
be in shock with the whole situation. My work ethic is good. I show up
on time, I work hard, I get things done and I enjoy working. I know
that I can be utilized at FMC Schilling Robotics if not with Meagan
than with Tamara, as she needs help with her Student Guides/Training
Materials. I feel disrespected with what happened, that I was not even
given the courtesy being told that I would no longer be needed. My
temporary agency told me that Meagan stated the reason I was let go
was because I was complaining too much about being a temporary
employee. I never felt like I was complaining, simply wanting more of
a desire to feel like part of a team, much like I did with Tamara. I
could not believe that our lunch out together was used against me in
such a way. I also did not know that could be used as grounds for
termination.

I was let go a mere three weeks before the end of my contract, costing
FMC Schilling Robotics over xxx dollars for truncating my contract early,
when I could have happily been of service. If Meagan did not want to
continue working with me, I could have finished out my contract under
Tamara. The workload in training is quite large and I work
productively with guidance and direction from Tamara. I am very
excited and motivated by what FMC Schilling Robotics is doing, I would
love to be a part of the team and I am saddened by what has transpired
with Meagan. I just want to let you know what has taken place and to
thank you for my short time with Schilling. I understand the policy of
quality and efficiency that FMC Schilling Robotics has and I thought
that you would like to know about this situation.

March 27, 2012

always questioning

Filed under: health, Life, Venting — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 5:34 pm

I am not sure why it is that I am always questioning everything. Questioning my motives, questioning other peoples motives, questioning my decisions, questioning other peoples decisions. Wondering, striving to know more, wanting to see all sides of things… this just doesn’t get easier does it? I find myself more and more each day wondering what I am supposed to be doing. Wondering how to live my life and wondering what I am doing right or wrong… and why I even think of things as right or wrong…. there are many different ways to live and different ways to do things. ..sure some may be more efficient, some may be considered “better” by other people, but what if it isn’t “better” to me? People can be stubborn. I am stubborn. I like to enjoy and do things and take my time, I like to relax, I don’t like to be anxious. The past couple weeks have been so anxiety ridden that I have had a hard time functioning. My brain is on overload, my emotions are on overload and I feel like crying at least once a day. I don’t know how to make myself happy.. even with happy things going on. I have felt depressed… but this feels different… or maybe when I was depressed before it wasn’t actually depression and this is? I want to be happy. I want to do things I want to do. I want to follow through and be a person of integrity and strong moral character. I don’t like killing spiders. I don’t know why I take it to such a level that I find a moral problem with killing a spider…and before it was killed I wanted to take it and put on the other side of the fence or in the tree or something and instead it was smashed…then I was told “what you want to fight about me killing a spider? It is  a spider, get over it”… and I said .. “It didn’t do anything! Why did you have to kill it?” and the response, “I don’t like spiders”.. .. “but spiders are good”… “I know..” .. “Then why did you kill it?” … “You really want to fight about this?”… And… I take it to the level that this person is being inconsiderate and rude and not listening… and just wanting to get their way. Granted that is sort of what I wanted too, but I am tired to giving in. I am just so exhausted. I finally got a job and I can barely be happy about it because I am so frustrated and confused. I find myself multiple times a day wanting to crawl into a hole or just sleep or go away or something. Am I letting someone else have too much influence in my actions? Probably. Am I having to constantly think about my actions and words so to not upset someone else? Probably. Is this healthy? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I overthinking? Maybe. Should I keep worrying about it? Probably not. The days are going to go by. The time will go by. Things will happen, and more things will happen. I am a planner. I like planning, I like having lists, I like being productive. I have to do that. I am starting a job soon. That will give me structure and help me with my desire to plan and be productive. I am overwhelmed. All the time. I am with someone and I still feel lonely. I felt this way in my last relationship. Maybe I just have some sort of lonely problem. Some woe is me issue. Some type of “pay attention to me” issue? I don’t know. I just feel crappy today. I still haven’t been to the gym in over a week, and it’s raining. I can make excuses today but what about tomorrow????

February 4, 2012

I don’t know how I feel about this “love” thing…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:28 pm

I want it. I want to feel it, but I really don’t want to at the same time.  It is scary for someone you love to tell you that your love is temporary. That they know your love won’t last, or that love in general doesn’t last. That real love, real friendship or real honesty just doesn’t exist. I want to have faith in something more. I want to have faith in love and in a lasting relationship… it’s so hard when the other person is so sure that it won’t last. … because everything in life ends. That may be true, but why talk about it… why bring it up. Of course we all will die eventually… but you don’t need to remind me!! Why tell someone when they say they love you, “well you feel that way now..”. It may be true, maybe my feelings will change.. but why would I ever ever want to imagine myself without the feeling or the love that I feel at this moment. Perhaps it is to protect yourself or somehow protect me… but it hurts. It really hurts… and that sucks. 😦

January 9, 2012

Yea I know..

Filed under: Life — crazygina @ 11:47 pm

Yea I know that life is unexpected. Yea I know that things can change in an instant, but how come when something happens, somehow even though I know… I am still surprised? How do you live a life with the impending doom of everything? The unknown… whether it be good or bad…whatever it is.. the ups and downs. This is different. This feels different. This feels real… but also feels unreal. It’s scary. What is so scary about it? The extremes… that is where I go. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to keep starting over. Isn’t that life though? Every day is starting over. Every day is a new day. If that is true, doesn’t that mean that every day is an opportunity to change things? What is the point of any of it. I don’t even know. I don’t even know if I care anymore.

whatever

Filed under: Life — Tags: — crazygina @ 1:40 am

“do whatever you want.”

that is not encouraging.

it doesn’t matter that someone gives you a big ol’ pep talk – or attempts to tell you what you should do with yourself and your time when you are feeling down about something and then ends it with – “well, do whatever you want”.. when I wasn’t even arguing. I guess I was looking for more of a supportive pep talk of “of course you are valuable, of course someone should hire you, you have all kinds of skills”… but I guess it wasn’t a pep talk. I am just so dan frustrated with being unemployed. So frustrated. this sucks

January 1, 2012

well

Filed under: Life — crazygina @ 12:14 am

I don’t get the new years thing. I wanted to get it. I hoped for something more … not so much expected… I hoped. And apparently hoping is too much. There will be no fireworks and romantic kiss. There will be no balloon dropping and warm embraces with someone you love. Nope. That is too much to ask. Too much to hope for… and in hoping for and wanting it – I am in the wrong… because then I become emotional .. and that’s no good. A gal likes romance. Not all the time, but sometimes… she does. And sometimes women get emotional. We are emotional beings. But when being emotional… it doesn’t help to be told, “cut it out you are being emotional”. I just want to have a good time. I don’t want anyone else’s past to come into my night and make me feel bad for wanting attention. I don’t know if this is a good idea. Sometimes it is a great idea.. sometimes it doesn’t really seem like it. I need to cheer up. Buck up! Be happy with myself, be happy with the year, look forward to the future (but without expectations or hope… because that just breeds disappointment)… Where do you go from there? 2012.. just a string of days – a string of moments – a string of weeks – just have to take them one day at a time… one moment at a time. I wish there was something more I could do. I wish there was something else I could do. I wish I knew what to do. All this wishing isn’t doing me any good. Maybe it is true.Maybe love is scary and love brings about things you wouldn’t normally think about. Maybe I fell in love, maybe I am falling in love, maybe I just care too much. Maybe I just hate to see someone I care about in such a negative mood…maybe I am overthinking? Maybe I just want to have a good time. All these things going around and around and around… what’s next…

December 21, 2011

New ?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 9:46 pm

I hadn’t written in this blog in a long time, and when I did, a couple people actually read it. I thought this was my little space in the cyber world to ramble about whatever it is I felt like rambling about at the time…didn’t think anyone still followed this thing… As far as my current ramblings… today I guess i was in sort of a blah mood. I didn’t feel like I was in a blah mood, until someone said something, then I was like, hmm.. I guess I am sort of in a blah mood. I don’t even know what that means. It is sort of in the middle of angry and happy. Mostly apathetic but not even caring enough to be apathetic… just… blah. It isn’t negative or positive.. I guess sort of the neutron of moods. 

It was an interesting day. Sort of contemplative… of what.. I couldn’t tell you. I have been feeling like the foods I am eating are starting to get to me.. I have been eating a lot of crap and fast food.. which I never used to do before – I couldn’t have told you the last time I ate fast food, now I eat it probably every day. It’s because I am so unsettled. 

I need to post another blog about my unsettledness and not really having a “home.”

 

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