talking to myself

July 5, 2009

herbs

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:00 pm

So I am trying St. John’s Wart. I think that it will help with my moods. I hope that it does. I did some research and most sites say give it 4 to 6 weeks before you form an opinion. Me and my impatience…. will just have to wait. *sigh*

Nothing new. Gonna start making lists to keep myself doing things. Maybe feeling like I am accomplishing something will make me feel better. I just have a lot of anger inside me towards the world. I hate the hate… so it breeds more hate…. its a vicious cycle. dangit!

Wish me luck!

August 18, 2008

alive

Filed under: Life, people, random, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 3:42 pm

So – this weekend and these past few days have been interesting.

I feel like a broken record the way I recount my experiences, and I don’t know exactly what to do differently.

I don’t feel like there is anything I am doing wrong – at least not to me – but when people don’t get what they want…. and you have the power to give it to them – they get angry. Angry, hurtful, personal… selfish.

I am not a selfish type of person – but people who accuse me and make me feel like I am being selfish because they are not getting what they want out of me angers me …. and it makes my attitude towards them change. Then, I do become selfish.

I will not “give in” to anyone who makes me feel like I am doing too much for myself…. because I only just recently adapted a new outlook on being more in tune with myself than letting my decisions be completely based off of other people and what they want.

Now… I’m doing what I want.

It’s hard. I don’t like it. I keep telling myself I will be happier in the end, and that all the strife and the hurting that has happened in the past due to constantly giving in is worse than whatever I am feeling now.. which I can’t exactly put my finger on. And if I give in… then I am going right back to the way things always were, and there’s no change or progress.

On a completely different note than the one that is the tone of today’s blog .. I bought my third eye blind tickets today. Excited about that….but even then… not too stoked because I feel so bogged down by everything else.

The stress is making my stomache have massive freak outs.

I took too much relora trying to calm myself down and it’s taking days to get it all out of my system – my pee is still neon green after 2 days (sorry for the TMI).

Anyway – this is my last week of work. I better make use of the time that I have here… even if it is a short while. I am glad it’s already almost 3. The time is whizzin by.

I was slightly dissapointed with the turnout last night at the show – but the bands still did a great job. I was stoked that The Hoods busted out a suprise set. Crazy.

August 6, 2008

dance it off…

Filed under: existence, Life, people, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 3:15 pm

So I have been really stressed lately – and yesterday I was a ball of rage. Walking down the street with the look of death in my eyes ready to spring on anyone that disagreed or even anyone who wanted to engage in human interaction with me. It wasn’t really pretty. I am suprised I actually went to lunch with Sarah and didn’t blow up on her.

I wanted to go home from work and go to the gym and work out until I passed out so I could release some of this stress and hopefully make myself feel better…. and I got home – and did get to go to the gym – and I pushed myself but not as hard as I probably could have. I still had energy when I got home – it’s hard to wear myself out…. anyway so I remembered that my friend Eve said she wanted to go out to Old I and dance – so I wound up meeting up with her but she didn’t even get to my apartment until 11. The she drove all the way out to roseville to get Colin and we went out.

It felt really good to get out and not be working and just dance and see people that I knew yelling my name as I walked up hahahaha, I feel like such a celebrity when people do that. It’s awesome. 🙂 For some reason other people enjoy yelling my name… ?

This whole losing my “student” job thing is killing me. I keep wondering what the hell I am going to do with myself and I want to get a job .. but I dont know where – I don’t know what kind of job – it’s just a big change… HUGE change. I just want to focus on my shows….

So I got to dance off all the stress…and it WORKED! This morning I didn’t feel like waking up and coming into work so I slept in…..I rolled out of bed around 10:30 and then strolled in…. come to find out my boss isn’t even here (again!). It is really really hard to be motivated to come into work knowing that I only have 2 more weeks here…. with hardly anything to do. Not only that – unemployment sent me a thing saying that I am eligible for unemployment – so I just want to stop working now and start getting unemployment …. then I can do my shows and work on promoting all day instead of coming in here! *sigh*

Well – se la vie. I will continue to push forward. Do what I need to do…. work hard and try very hard not to get in a rut and become pessimistic or get in a “hate the world” attitude. But it’s really tough these days. Real tough.

July 9, 2008

much too much

Filed under: Life, random, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:29 pm

I sometimes feel like I am too much for myself sometimes – I can see how I would be that way for someone else.

I have found that most of my really good friends – that have seen me through the worst of it all – still aren’t really that close. They all seem to still be a little distant. Or maybe that’s just me — thinking that they aren’t really what they should be at this point. Does how long you know someone really factor into the depth of the friendship? I go through stages with friends, where I will hang out with a certain group A LOT then not at all – then see them around randomly, then maybe a year later hang out with them again .. is it because there aren’t really people who can hang out with me on a consistent basis for longer than a few months? It’s possible, probably because of my ‘independence’ and anger when I feel like I need someone to lean on – even though I know we all need it. I suppose I shouldn’t take it out on other people…. but that’s probably why I have been “alone” my whole life. Eh.

Maybe I am getting all loopy because I am sweating so much and can’t really sleep since my apartment is a furnace (even at 1030 pm)…. I need to get to bed.. I have to get up early and I have a ton of stuff going on the rest of this week. Just… breathe… okay okay there we go… breathe in.. breathe out… ahhhh

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