talking to myself

September 23, 2008

pay attention?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:41 pm

So since I am not at my “normal” job anymore – and I am spending more time looking for jobs and reflecting and thinking and all that mumbo jumbo – I am not doing so much blogging. That doesn’t mean I am not inspired to blog – I’m just not?

Everything lately has kind of been a blur. It’s like – I do one thing… then I do something else.. and that’s how it goes. Instead of going day to day , I am more like, hour to hour. Thinking of the future but not planning too much for it. Doing what I have to do to get through the day. It’s not really apathy or depression – more like …… ?? Don’t know.

There it is again – the big word that you know would be here. Change.
That’s what it is. All this change.

I am happy in the general sense. My phone hasn’t been shut off yet – I haven’t been evicted – I still have food to eat, so I’d consider my basic needs met. Not that my phone is a basic need….

I posted a bulletin on myspace today and wanted to repeat it …. no one responds to those things… but I always amuse myself with them…

maybe it’s too much gym?

ugh I don’t know but have you ever had your back sore? it’s a weird feeling – it’s definitely not as tolerable as when your calves/legs are sore.

blah. I need to do some good deeds this week to make up for the lame-o pro-republican phone calls I am going to be making all week. Yay for a temp job – no yay for phone calls.

This weekend however is the third eye blind concert. it’s about time. this will be my 20th time seeing them. yes. twentieth. aaaahhhh.

I am hoping that at the show I will have some type of great sense of enlightenment/vision of my future. Somehow – third eye blind concerts always show me the light.

if i dont….can’t say I will be disappointed … at least I will have been able to see an awesome show.

Hey Tomorrow… whats up??!! Tomorrow is a bastard man – never telling you what to expect – never calling you in advance to let you know what’s going on – no heads up, no nothing. Geeze.

I suppose tomorrow is only a pattern of waves of electrons that our higher consciousness decides to turn in objects at our exact moment of observance.

go electrons!!!!!

July 25, 2008

most of my posts…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:05 am

So I was reading through my posts… and I’m realizing that they almost all have some kind of theme to them associated with change. Perhaps that is something that is always on my mind in some way or another. It’s something that my life revolves around.

I started to think about the way I live my life and the amount of change that has occured in my life due to myself wanting to please other people instead of what I want to do… and it always seems like I am unhappy the more that I focus on others needs because I always want to help those who feel like they don’t need help or want help so I get taken advantage of. So….onto more change… more change in the persuit of happiness.
It really doesn’t take much to make me happy. I like to think of myself as a pretty easy to please person. Small things make me happy. I can handle the big stuff on my own much easier – I just need help in between. Anyway – I love change.. that’s probably why I talk about it so much, because I find it so interesting. Not sure if anyone reading this finds it interesting.

On another note – since I started blogging… for some reason – I feel more confident in myself. It’s like – I get on here – put my thoughts out there … and then it’s out. I hold back a lot of myself sometimes worrying that anyone will get to know “the real me” – even though my friends will argue that they all know the real me, and that I am easy to figure out … Maybe I am?! I guess that isn’t really a bad thing.

This weekend should be cool – I am going out to another dance thing with MUST.NOT.DIE and then saturday I have an acoustic show at the java lounge and sunday another show at the upstairs. oh man I wish I actually made money on these shows sometimes.. it’s so much work!! I just keep telling myself to be patient. It has been over 10 years I have been doing shows and I think that finally it may be coming around …. but the music industry is so up and down.
Ah well – KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!!!

July 21, 2008

What constitutes a good time?

How many things have to go “right” vs. “wrong” before you’re having a good time. I know some people go out and something bothers them so much that they don’t have fun. Others just let it roll off their backs and just have a good time anyway….

That really didn’t have much to do with why I clicked on “write post” today. I had a very interesting past four days. I am learning so much lately – I feel like I am actually making some kind of forward progress and it’s all stemming from sticking to my ground and doing what I want. All the while, not being persuaded by others. Which leads me to believe that I need to continue sticking to what I want, which I have never done before because I always try to make everyone else happy. I have made a vow to myself to not become involved in situations that I don’t have as much control over as possible, so that if shit hits the fan, it’s my own fault. Which sucks for other people – but I do what I have to do.
I don’t want to owe anybody. I don’t want to be obligated to anyone. I DO want help, but I do NOT want guilt. I want team-mates, but I need to be the captain.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking for team-mates. If someone doesn’t want to be on my team they don’t have to …. !
Anyway – enough with the silly analogies.
The weekend was good. Show on friday night – after party – then saturday I did some laundry and chilled out – and had another show last night.
I am really excited about The Upstairs … the shows are getting better and better and the word is really spreading.
This week should be decent. Working – promoting – booking – gym .. continuing to not let dumb shit get to me. Optimism – day 21. It’s still working. Mostly. haha Show again on sunday – which I still need another band for – but I will get someone on my lunch break when I can get on myspace and get some stuff confirmed. I really like my life right now. I am not sure how I am going to get by in August when I lose my job, but I know that I will…. so I am not too worried. I just keep working hard. Work work work.

July 15, 2008

Who knows…..

You might be confused if….

People seem to be your friends but they’re probably using you.
People do things for you out of the goodness of their heart but then use it to make you feel guilty.
You know what you feel but others tell you that that’s not how you feel.
You are making decisions based off the good of everyone involved and are accused of being selfish and controlling.
A preacher tells you that your exsistence doesn’t matter in this world unless you truly believe every word of the bible – literally.
Communication lines between others are like strands of a spiders web….where the slightest breeze can break them.

I might be confused.

Kevin & Jason taught me one of many things in life : No one is here for you except for you.

July 13, 2008

party time. excellent.

So I had to post two blogs today — since I had one that was me venting and irritated… this is the happy blog.

This is the happy blog about the dance party that we had for me and Joseph’s birthday with MUST.NOT.DIE … and two other sacramento DJs, Diamondmonsterrr and Nick Avey

The party was absolutely crazy. I couldn’t have imagined the amount of people that showed up. It was one of those things where a few people came by, we had over 300 jello shots… and just got it started right away – with the music crackin, people dancing and James & Colin passing out the jello shots:

Then as people showed up … the dancing started…

and then more and more and more people showed up…

and it just was crrraaazzyyyy

aaannnnddd heres meee

sooo the partying went on and on.

Not only did the partying continue on and on…my friend picked me up on his shoulders and carried me around the party giving high fives and dancing. It was SUCH a blast. 🙂 I felt like such a huge celebrity. It was so incredible. Hopefully this party will really help kick off our next dance event that we put on.
Anyway, it was the best birthday that I have ever had — and we wound up having over 200 people and the streets were filled with people just drinking and hanging out and dancing and cheering and it was greeeaaatttt.
And the best part about the whole thing is that I MANAGED TO BE SOBER!!! which was amazing because I remembered everything and I got to dance all night and not have to worry about myself acting all weird or drunk or doing dumb shit. 🙂 Yes for having a great sober birthday!

July 11, 2008

Schmoozin’ and Boozin’

So I went to this “industry” party last night at a record studio. It was fun to get there and do the whole who’s who. To walk around giving everyone the head nod, the “HEY!!!!” and the subtle eye contact. Most people I knew, but there were a few I had the opportunity to meet and network with.
There was an open bar at the studio. Free beer…. free wine… and after everyone had left and it was just me and two of the bands, the owner, and maybe a few stragglers, they busted out the patron. THAT I could have done without.
I went to bed around 4 and woke up at 7. I am at work right now. Reeeeaaalllly loopy. Not sure loopy is the right word for it. HA! I just found out that my plans tonight are cancelled and oh man I have never been so excited about that in my entire life. So now I get to FINALLY relax before the huge party tomorrow night for my two dozenth birthday.
Work should be slow. Not much do to and I get to leave at noon. On a side note, but directly related to this post, the party last night was really really fun. It’s nice to hang out with people who really care about the scene and to converse with them…. talk about ideas and thoughts … and how we’re all in it together. It was very unifying…. really motivated me. It was a great night.
I had a fabulous time at dinner with Janice beforehand, and I wish I would have known they were going to have a smorgasboard of free food at this studio, but hey I did get out of there with some free wine and beer in my backpack. WOO.
All in all I give last night a 8.9 out of 10 stars.
Sweeeeet.

July 3, 2008

RISE AND SHINE!!

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 9:38 am

For some reason on my day off I decided to wake up at 6:00 and go to the gym…earlier than I ever wake up on a workday. I guess starting my day earlier makes it seem like I have a longer day…. and more time to get stuff done. Even though I wanted today to be a lazy day and didn’t want to do anything – now that I am up, I feel really motivated to get shit done. That will probably be better for me anyway.

I am finding lazy people more and more irritating lately.  I have a tattoo on my arm that says, “don’t even stand up if you have nothing to bring”, and it’s ringing true to me in so many ways… especially for myself.

I was depressed for about 2 months – feeling really terrible about my motivational status and lack of gumption for life. I knew that it would pass – but didn’t know when and I felt like such a bummer to other people. I am really hard on myself sometimes, I am learning how to just chill out though, at least a little bit. Sometimes I feel like if I am not hard on myself though, no one else will be, so it’s better that way. Until it drives me up a wall….or into a wall.

Another day – another blue sky and green trees to enjoy. I really hope you are finding something to enjoy today. There has to be at least one thing that made you smile today… and if not… find something. Okay if you don’t………do these work?

ahahahhaahhhh the blog

June 30, 2008

who blogs?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:03 pm

Blogging seems like this weird thing that people go home and do privately in the comfort of their own homes, away from having to talk to real people, from expressing themselves with open judgment from others…. unless someone comments on your blog you really don’t know what others think of it, and the odd thing about a blog is that people can do it pretty much anonymously …. it’s such an interesting thing to think of. I have started doing this blog surfing thing…..

I love people watching – I guess I kind of consider this people reading? I almost feel like a spy – being able to creep into other people’s lives through their blogs, see the things they do, the things they care about, the emotions that they feel and why they feel them. Hopefully it doesn’t seem creepy… more like curious….. No wonder “industry” has taken this blog thing and turned it into a complete marketing tool.

So in writing this I am making myself available for anyone who feels compelled to stop by and read… Hello.

How do you feel about reading this? Do you think you have gained any insight on the type of person I am or the things I think? The way we form opinions is interesting too – the whole thing is completely subjective and I refuse to ever believe that anything in life is objective. It’s impossible. Maybe I will get into that another day.

They apparently blocked this now at work too – so I can’t blog at work anymore. Oh well. It was fun for the 3 days it lasted.

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