talking to myself

March 27, 2012

always questioning

Filed under: health, Life, Venting — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 5:34 pm

I am not sure why it is that I am always questioning everything. Questioning my motives, questioning other peoples motives, questioning my decisions, questioning other peoples decisions. Wondering, striving to know more, wanting to see all sides of things… this just doesn’t get easier does it? I find myself more and more each day wondering what I am supposed to be doing. Wondering how to live my life and wondering what I am doing right or wrong… and why I even think of things as right or wrong…. there are many different ways to live and different ways to do things. ..sure some may be more efficient, some may be considered “better” by other people, but what if it isn’t “better” to me? People can be stubborn. I am stubborn. I like to enjoy and do things and take my time, I like to relax, I don’t like to be anxious. The past couple weeks have been so anxiety ridden that I have had a hard time functioning. My brain is on overload, my emotions are on overload and I feel like crying at least once a day. I don’t know how to make myself happy.. even with happy things going on. I have felt depressed… but this feels different… or maybe when I was depressed before it wasn’t actually depression and this is? I want to be happy. I want to do things I want to do. I want to follow through and be a person of integrity and strong moral character. I don’t like killing spiders. I don’t know why I take it to such a level that I find a moral problem with killing a spider…and before it was killed I wanted to take it and put on the other side of the fence or in the tree or something and instead it was smashed…then I was told “what you want to fight about me killing a spider? It is  a spider, get over it”… and I said .. “It didn’t do anything! Why did you have to kill it?” and the response, “I don’t like spiders”.. .. “but spiders are good”… “I know..” .. “Then why did you kill it?” … “You really want to fight about this?”… And… I take it to the level that this person is being inconsiderate and rude and not listening… and just wanting to get their way. Granted that is sort of what I wanted too, but I am tired to giving in. I am just so exhausted. I finally got a job and I can barely be happy about it because I am so frustrated and confused. I find myself multiple times a day wanting to crawl into a hole or just sleep or go away or something. Am I letting someone else have too much influence in my actions? Probably. Am I having to constantly think about my actions and words so to not upset someone else? Probably. Is this healthy? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I overthinking? Maybe. Should I keep worrying about it? Probably not. The days are going to go by. The time will go by. Things will happen, and more things will happen. I am a planner. I like planning, I like having lists, I like being productive. I have to do that. I am starting a job soon. That will give me structure and help me with my desire to plan and be productive. I am overwhelmed. All the time. I am with someone and I still feel lonely. I felt this way in my last relationship. Maybe I just have some sort of lonely problem. Some woe is me issue. Some type of “pay attention to me” issue? I don’t know. I just feel crappy today. I still haven’t been to the gym in over a week, and it’s raining. I can make excuses today but what about tomorrow????

October 8, 2008

a pirates story….

Filed under: Life, people, poetry, universe — Tags: , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 6:02 pm

Listen to the jingle jangle of the pirates many keys
and the ruckus of the souls who have been unlocked by those keys.
A RECKLESS pirate let them out but never put them back!
Going from door to door out of crazed curiousity
he used and plundered for his own enjoyment.
He wonders why the world hates him so…
Oh what a poor pirate,
wandering the fair seas
with never a home to call his own
With such joy the spirits do lift him up
above those who he has wronged
so he can see
but even the purest of spirits won’t change the pirate because he is
only loyal to himself
Such a sad sight,
the homeless, loveless pirate
If only he could make out the sight of something
true to form
He does not know to keep those souls behind the locked doors.
He sees the shores as his enemies and feels it is his plight
to make sure his work is done
guided by his MIGHT.
The holiest might that screams, RIGHTEOUS, at the same time
AYE MATEY
Furthering on a timeless ship that hopes to someday
win this fight
only all the seas have made him sick
and alas he cannot see very well
NO ONE IS FIGHTING

July 28, 2008

when life happens….

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:35 am

Everybody goes through things every day that helps to mold the reality they live in. When I am on the bus, walking down the street… I listen. I listen to people and what they are going through. I try to figure out or imagine how that person is feeling or what could be going on. When I see people on the bus with a scowl on their face, or looking at the window longingly … I sometimes want to go ask them what’s going on in their head. I don’t know why I want to know. I think maybe just the desire to have a greater understanding of the humans. ?? I also love watching human interaction because everyone is so different. Even me. I question myself a lot of times and sometimes I wonder if people see me and wonder what’s going on in my head…. or if they are just so wrapped up in their own ?? Anyway — just some thoughts I wanted to throw out there.

I am still freaked out by Friday when I was crying like a maniac – I don’t think I have ever cried like that in front of someone else before – ever. I think it was one of those things where I started crying about one thing – and then my friend was asking me about my brother (who died this year) so I started crying about that – and then he was asking me about the rest of my family so I started crying about that – oh man I was a blabbering mess. I should feel okay about it but for some reason I feel like I was weak and shouldn’t have shown that side of myself… but then again – I guess it’s okay to cry sometimes like that? It was a new experience for me lets just put it that way. If clarity is less than confusion than process. I am currently processing.

July 15, 2008

Who knows…..

You might be confused if….

People seem to be your friends but they’re probably using you.
People do things for you out of the goodness of their heart but then use it to make you feel guilty.
You know what you feel but others tell you that that’s not how you feel.
You are making decisions based off the good of everyone involved and are accused of being selfish and controlling.
A preacher tells you that your exsistence doesn’t matter in this world unless you truly believe every word of the bible – literally.
Communication lines between others are like strands of a spiders web….where the slightest breeze can break them.

I might be confused.

Kevin & Jason taught me one of many things in life : No one is here for you except for you.

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