talking to myself

January 23, 2009

I think a lot.

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 11:47 pm

Sometimes I want to post a lot more on here. But I don’t.

So much changes every day and so many things could happen. The possibilities are so endless every day. Everything we know and everything we see could change in an instant… so what’s the point of ever getting comfortable? Should I just stay in and not go out and limit the possibilities of what could happen tonight? And is staying in really limiting anything or just changing the context of what could possibly happen? Anything could STILL happen.
I’m screwed either way. No control damnit!!


November 25, 2008


Filed under: existence, Life, random — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 11:38 pm

So tonight I have been feeling somewhat inspired.

Also- the naming of my blog, “talking to myself”… I started this blog way before Stephan Jenkins wrote this INCREDIBLE song.. I suppose great minds think alike. heh:


Every moment of your life
Is a chance to get it right
Any moment you’ve been living in
You could turn it on like a light
All the weight of the years
Has got me burstin’ into tears
Standin’ here with nothin’
I stand alone inside my fears

Like an atom reveals a deeper state
Well I swear for me tonight
It’s not too late

To tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I’ll mean it
Even when I’m talking to myself
I said maybe, it’s you and only you and no one else

How I miss Moscow
Those people really know
How to have a good time
In a mixed up state of mind
And Monotov’s Private Opera is closed
So I guess I’ll go home now
Cause there’s no wheres else to go

And I will tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I will mean it
Even when I’m talking to myself
I said baby, it’s you and only you and no one else
You and no one else

Now I’m stuck inside a poem
And then I’m walkin by myself
In the dark, all alone
And these actors and dramatists
They won’t send me home

Well, maybe I’m like my father
Strung out on something or another
Held to a standard
We were always sinking under
And maybe I’m like my mother
She shattered cause no one loved her
Maybe I, Maybe I am like no other

And some moments are more real than the books I’ve read
And a good woman, maybe she meant what she said
Cause to feel you now ya know, it goes straight to my head

So I’ll tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I will mean it, even when I’m talkin’ to myself
I said baby, it’s you and only you and no one else
Talkin’ to myself
Talkin’ to myself

And everything changed in a day
And I know another one on the way
And I’ll tell you
Everything changed in a day
And I know another one is on the way

Probably listening to that song, and the other new 3eb songs got me in this moood -but I wanted to write so I sent a friend a little ditty i wrote:

I think that
all we need is something to believe in.
or maybe it’s just me…
but I don’t quite know what this thing could possibly be.
Or maybe I do –
I’ll find out tomorrow…
but today won’t go away.

anyway – so I am sitting in my apartment – it’s a little chilly but I have been using the heater too much these days and I am still broke so I shouldn’t use it.

I noticed though that my concept of what to spend money on is very odd.  I don’t have a problem buying a band dinner, but then I won’t turn the heater on so I don’t have to spend money on the heating bill. Where are my priorities?! ha

My whole world is so whirly right now… I keep going back and forth with things – my concept of time and my perception of things have been freaking me out. Today – I was a little freaked out… I was in the bathroom at my work – and I was sitting on the toilet and I saw someone come into the stall next to me. I saw their shoes… their jeans… heard the door close of their stall.   I came out of my stall and there was no one else in the bathroom. No one in the stall next to me. Nothing. I went over to the door to see if maybe someone had just left and I didn’t hear the door, but the door made a lot of noise and no one was standing outside or near it or anything. So weird. I couldn’t really explain that. I swear, I saw the ladies shoes and everything. Weird. Very weird.

I am glad that I have the internet at home right now… but at the same time… I kind of liked not having it so that I wouldn’t sit here for hours. It forced me to read. Although this is better than sitting on the couch watching a movie or just zoning out.

I wonder when I zone out – what our brains are doing. It’s like I am not really thinking of anything specific, and then I have to snap out of it and I don’t even realize how long I have been “zoning”.

More oddness. There is something going on. Still.

Anyway….. I guess I am done.

I feel okay?

October 12, 2008


Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 2:57 pm

So – I am sitting at my apartment – looking around it. Thinking about what I should be doing today…. cleaning my room … dishes… packing for the salton sea trip.

I spent the weekend with my friend Jenn and that was a blast. It helped me to escape from reality a little bit. I fell off my rocker last night though at the bar – don’t remember the latter half of the night – but sources confirm that I was just smashed. I didn’t do anything that I should be disappointed about so that’s good.. I mean, besides actually being drunk. I shouldn’t have taken shots… that just put me over, but patron is sssssoooooo good.

Anyway – back to my reflection…. so I am pondering all these things I should be doing … and it’s just like the motivation isn’t there… I still believe that I am in a mild state of depression. That is such an odd feeling for us to have isn’t it? Some people are so willing to feel depression but less willing to feel love… it’s like – depression is more concrete. We have defined it with chemicals and science….but.. it’s a feeling. Just like love. We can’t take an emotion – like depression … and scientize it .. it doesn’t work, that’s like making a pill to fix people who are in love – crazed obsession type love. If they can give you a happy pill to “fix” your feeling – then why can’t they give you a pill to “fix” love? Emotions rule our lives…

and speaking of emotions…. I’m still not feeling many. Although I do have to say that it really was great to see Jon yesterday. I miss him a lot. This year has been rough for a lot of people and I actually felt positive to talk to him a little bit. He has been a friend for a very long time….

Back to “life”. I need to take a nap today – I feel hungover. ha. How’s that for feeling?

I always figure everything out. I always get by. I know that this won’t be any different. At least I have that in my mind. I just don’t know where to go with it.

My attention span is like that of a gnat.

Where am I going with this? Who knows. This blog is like my life. All over the place. AAHH!!!!

August 21, 2008

dance it off?

Filed under: Life, random — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 12:26 pm

When dancing it off goes wrong…..

Ugh I don’t like when I get all drunk and crazy and dance all up on dudes. I mean… it’s fun at the time – but then I look back and I’m like.. damn, that was slutty.

Oh well.. it’s not like I took them home with me. *plead the fifth*

Anyhow – I have my going away lunch today with my work people – at Joes Crab Shack in Old Sacramento – that place is so good. I am a little hungover so food sounds really good right now.

I am really excited about the upcoming shows – my friend Eve has been such a blessing in helping me get things going promotion wise. It’s great. I feel a little bit relieved.

Well… I just wanted to post something real quick. I am happy though. 🙂 that’s good.

July 16, 2008

more pictures from the dance party…..

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:54 am

So I am just posting this with a link to more pictures from the dance party for anyone that’s interested….

July 13, 2008

party time. excellent.

So I had to post two blogs today — since I had one that was me venting and irritated… this is the happy blog.

This is the happy blog about the dance party that we had for me and Joseph’s birthday with MUST.NOT.DIE … and two other sacramento DJs, Diamondmonsterrr and Nick Avey

The party was absolutely crazy. I couldn’t have imagined the amount of people that showed up. It was one of those things where a few people came by, we had over 300 jello shots… and just got it started right away – with the music crackin, people dancing and James & Colin passing out the jello shots:

Then as people showed up … the dancing started…

and then more and more and more people showed up…

and it just was crrraaazzyyyy

aaannnnddd heres meee

sooo the partying went on and on.

Not only did the partying continue on and on…my friend picked me up on his shoulders and carried me around the party giving high fives and dancing. It was SUCH a blast. 🙂 I felt like such a huge celebrity. It was so incredible. Hopefully this party will really help kick off our next dance event that we put on.
Anyway, it was the best birthday that I have ever had — and we wound up having over 200 people and the streets were filled with people just drinking and hanging out and dancing and cheering and it was greeeaaatttt.
And the best part about the whole thing is that I MANAGED TO BE SOBER!!! which was amazing because I remembered everything and I got to dance all night and not have to worry about myself acting all weird or drunk or doing dumb shit. 🙂 Yes for having a great sober birthday!

July 10, 2008

irritating morning…

Filed under: Life, random, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:48 am

So this morning was irritating. I woke up late and my roommate offered to give me a ride to work so I wouldn’t be late. That was very nice of him. However… it wasn’t exactly a smooth ride. I don’t know if he is going through stuff he doesn’t want to talk about, but I swear, I don’t think I can take any more criticism from him. It’s driving me up the wall… and I hardly even see the guy!!! It’s hard enough as it is to deal with life without someone every time you see them telling you all about how you’re messed up. Granted when he dropped me off he told me, “you’ll be fine”.. but who knows how I am supposed to take that.

I am just being a “girl” apparently and overthinking everything. Although when I am sitting here at work, without much to do – and no means to really promote (since all the music sites are blocked) – all I can really do is blog surf, listen to music from a CD or ipod, and think….and learn? I mean I do work too – I just don’t have enough stuff to keep me busy all day.
I did however, find out that my favorite band of all time, third eye blind is playing a show a little over an hour away from my town and I am really really stoked about it. I just need to find someone that wants to go now!!
Ugh. Okay I just have to listen to music and try to keep my mind from wandering all crazy.

July 9, 2008

much too much

Filed under: Life, random, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:29 pm

I sometimes feel like I am too much for myself sometimes – I can see how I would be that way for someone else.

I have found that most of my really good friends – that have seen me through the worst of it all – still aren’t really that close. They all seem to still be a little distant. Or maybe that’s just me — thinking that they aren’t really what they should be at this point. Does how long you know someone really factor into the depth of the friendship? I go through stages with friends, where I will hang out with a certain group A LOT then not at all – then see them around randomly, then maybe a year later hang out with them again .. is it because there aren’t really people who can hang out with me on a consistent basis for longer than a few months? It’s possible, probably because of my ‘independence’ and anger when I feel like I need someone to lean on – even though I know we all need it. I suppose I shouldn’t take it out on other people…. but that’s probably why I have been “alone” my whole life. Eh.

Maybe I am getting all loopy because I am sweating so much and can’t really sleep since my apartment is a furnace (even at 1030 pm)…. I need to get to bed.. I have to get up early and I have a ton of stuff going on the rest of this week. Just… breathe… okay okay there we go… breathe in.. breathe out… ahhhh

July 8, 2008

apocolyptic dream

So I had this dream last night – and I have been thinking that my life has more purpose to it than I know… and I know it was just a dream, but it really seemed to be an affirmation more than anything.

There was this huge catastrophe in the world – a massive flood, think noah’s ark kind of flood… and there were a group of us who were on some high rise buildings… there were these waves coming in and everyone kept thinking that each wave was going to be the one that was going to take us out. For some reason I knew which wave was going to be the one… so I started trying to band everyone together and tell them to calm down and stop freaking out because that wave wasn’t the one that was going to be it. I just had this overwhelming feeling of responsibility and calmness. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to save anyone – but it was more like I didn’t want everyone to be going all crazy on their last moments on earth. I know it’s a silly dream, but I do have this feeling that something is going to happen in the world and I am going to have some type of integral role in something… somewhere… somehow. It probably sounds crazy and my mom tells me that it’s a nutso thing to think… but I really feel it!!!!!!!

So yea… that was interesting.

Even though I slept last night, I am still exhausted. Exhausted but happy. The July optimism is working! WOOO! Thank goodness!

June 30, 2008

self control?

Filed under: random — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 1:05 am

I always wondered if all the people in the mental institutions really have some kind of physical defect to the balance of their brain or if they just have absolutely no restraint or self control?  I mean, what the hell is science anyway?

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