talking to myself

August 12, 2012

uncertian

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 4:20 pm

I took a big step yesterday. I moved out from my boyfriends house after almost a year. I don’t want to break up with him. I still love him very much… but his problems and his issues are too much for me to handle on a day to day basis. I am unable to detach myself from his problems while living under the same roof…..because his problems over time start to become my problems… his schedule, his sleeping patterns, he makes bad decisions, does things that are self defeating and hurts himself emotionally, he can be very negative and depressed….very unhappy despite how good things may be. 

There is nothing I can do for him. I can’t cheer him up, can’t get him to see that things aren’t so bad, can’t talk any sense into him when he is in a funk, but I love him and to see someone you love go through it on a continuous basis – and not receive any of his attention because he is so busy and wrapped up in his problems… it hurts so bad. So I had to leave and remove myself from the situation. He was not sleeping, not coming to bed, not eating very often… all sorts of things.. and I suspected some sort of drug abuse but I am not certain, I know that stress can cause similar issues.

I just want him to get better and take care of himself. He is an adult and will be 30 this year. I don’t know that me staying is helping. Although he told me many times he didn’t want me to leave, that he enjoyed me being around… there were times he would get upset and say mean things and I would feel so sad and rejected. It was horrible. 

I have been a back and forth sobbing mess. Sometimes I am totally fine then sometimes I think of little things that we did together and smaller day to day things that I will miss. Things like taking showers together or him never putting away any of his stuff but always hanging up my purse for me. Getting goodnight and goodbye kisses whenever I went anywhere…. so I remember the good things then I flip and remember the things that made me want to leave. 

I haven’t seen him in a couple days .. he has been working on a project out of town. I moved out while he was out of town… this weekend so I would have some time to decompress and get my stuff out… well most of my stuff anyway – not all of it. 

I am not sure what the future holds…. when I am rational and feeling good..this makes sense and I assume it is going to make our relationship stronger and more fun – and our time together will be more special. But then I get emotional and I start fearing the worst… that we will drift apart and the relationship will end or he will miss me and become upset that I left… he seems fine right now… 

It hurts me because I didn’t really WANT to leave. I did it because everyone told me that once I get out I will be able to gain a better perspective on things and things will be more clear and then I will be able to make better decisions for myself.. I understand that .. and I guess it was worth trying. I suppose there was enough truth to it for me to somehow force myself to move. I cried and cried and cried… and being over there it still feels like home. 

This is going to take a lot of getting used to. I don’t know how I feel about it yet… it has only been a day…I need more time and he needs more time for it to sink in. He hasn’t even been home yet.

I still miss him… but.. I missed him even when we LIVED together. He would be so busy and have so much to do and I would get cranky and upset because he wouldn’t spend enough time with me…I am antsy to see how things progress from here. We will be together a year on August 27th. That is only two weeks away…less than two weeks actually. I hope that this step back will help us enjoy each other more with less pressure. 

I want this to be some time we take for ourselves. For him to work on what he needs to and for me to do the same. I just got a new job and it is important for me to be able to wake up early and get ready and I also need to get to bed early and have less distractions. I worry too much about him when I am there and it winds up affecting my day. He tells me not to worry but despite that, my feelings don’t allow me to – not when I am seeing it every day. Now I won’t have to see it every day anymore. 

*sigh*

I just want to be happy and have a positive encouraging relationship. I want to make sure that this is going to be able to last. I want us to get through this rough time and hopefully this time apart will make us stronger… individually and also together. 

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October 12, 2008

AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 2:57 pm

So – I am sitting at my apartment – looking around it. Thinking about what I should be doing today…. cleaning my room … dishes… packing for the salton sea trip.

I spent the weekend with my friend Jenn and that was a blast. It helped me to escape from reality a little bit. I fell off my rocker last night though at the bar – don’t remember the latter half of the night – but sources confirm that I was just smashed. I didn’t do anything that I should be disappointed about so that’s good.. I mean, besides actually being drunk. I shouldn’t have taken shots… that just put me over, but patron is sssssoooooo good.

Anyway – back to my reflection…. so I am pondering all these things I should be doing … and it’s just like the motivation isn’t there… I still believe that I am in a mild state of depression. That is such an odd feeling for us to have isn’t it? Some people are so willing to feel depression but less willing to feel love… it’s like – depression is more concrete. We have defined it with chemicals and science….but.. it’s a feeling. Just like love. We can’t take an emotion – like depression … and scientize it .. it doesn’t work, that’s like making a pill to fix people who are in love – crazed obsession type love. If they can give you a happy pill to “fix” your feeling – then why can’t they give you a pill to “fix” love? Emotions rule our lives…

and speaking of emotions…. I’m still not feeling many. Although I do have to say that it really was great to see Jon yesterday. I miss him a lot. This year has been rough for a lot of people and I actually felt positive to talk to him a little bit. He has been a friend for a very long time….

Back to “life”. I need to take a nap today – I feel hungover. ha. How’s that for feeling?

I always figure everything out. I always get by. I know that this won’t be any different. At least I have that in my mind. I just don’t know where to go with it.

My attention span is like that of a gnat.

Where am I going with this? Who knows. This blog is like my life. All over the place. AAHH!!!!

September 23, 2008

pay attention?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:41 pm

So since I am not at my “normal” job anymore – and I am spending more time looking for jobs and reflecting and thinking and all that mumbo jumbo – I am not doing so much blogging. That doesn’t mean I am not inspired to blog – I’m just not?

Everything lately has kind of been a blur. It’s like – I do one thing… then I do something else.. and that’s how it goes. Instead of going day to day , I am more like, hour to hour. Thinking of the future but not planning too much for it. Doing what I have to do to get through the day. It’s not really apathy or depression – more like …… ?? Don’t know.

There it is again – the big word that you know would be here. Change.
That’s what it is. All this change.

I am happy in the general sense. My phone hasn’t been shut off yet – I haven’t been evicted – I still have food to eat, so I’d consider my basic needs met. Not that my phone is a basic need….

I posted a bulletin on myspace today and wanted to repeat it …. no one responds to those things… but I always amuse myself with them…

maybe it’s too much gym?

ugh I don’t know but have you ever had your back sore? it’s a weird feeling – it’s definitely not as tolerable as when your calves/legs are sore.

blah. I need to do some good deeds this week to make up for the lame-o pro-republican phone calls I am going to be making all week. Yay for a temp job – no yay for phone calls.

This weekend however is the third eye blind concert. it’s about time. this will be my 20th time seeing them. yes. twentieth. aaaahhhh.

I am hoping that at the show I will have some type of great sense of enlightenment/vision of my future. Somehow – third eye blind concerts always show me the light.

if i dont….can’t say I will be disappointed … at least I will have been able to see an awesome show.

Hey Tomorrow… whats up??!! Tomorrow is a bastard man – never telling you what to expect – never calling you in advance to let you know what’s going on – no heads up, no nothing. Geeze.

I suppose tomorrow is only a pattern of waves of electrons that our higher consciousness decides to turn in objects at our exact moment of observance.

go electrons!!!!!

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