talking to myself

April 8, 2013

Overwhelmed

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 9:32 am

It’s been a while since i wrote anything on here… Last night I sort of had some very weak moments… I drank too much, I got emotional, I cried a bunch. Now I am at work. My  mind is all over the place and it is hard to focus. I think if I write this out maybe it will help me to get my mind off of last night. I didn’t want to have expectations… I wanted to have a fun night… yet it wasn’t exactly that. I am still trying to figure out what was going on with my emotions and what I was expressing. I felt very vulnerable… while Joe was comforting and sweet – and there for me… something about it.. it just felt different.. My heart didn’t really feel in it… or maybe it was just cause I was drunk. I should have known where it was heading when I started getting anxiety about picking him up… that I was going to get emotional. I should have restrained myself from drinking so much …but can’t change that now. I did like having him around… it just had been so long since we had spent any time together, maybe I felt pathetic. I was over-thinking all day. Now I am probably over-thinking too. I need to focus on work. I wish I didn’t have to be here right now. I don’t feel well. My body is tired and my mind is just all over the place. I still don’t have my car – it has been at the shop since Friday morning. Maybe I will go home at lunch…maybe my car will be ready by lunchtime and I can go pick it up and go home :-\  bleh…I don’t even know. I would love to be able to process whatever these emotions are that I have… I don’t even know what they are right now. 

July 1, 2009

a blog that is probably too personal

So.. I have told some people about what happened to me this weekend – but it’s been hard to explain.

From an outsiders perspective, it may have seemed like I was just really really wasted and took someone home.

This time it was different. I realize that YES I put myself in an extremely vulnerable situation. YES it’s very quite possible that even after saying no, I may have said yes. I realize that anything may have happened… because… I don’t remember. I remember showing up to the bar – where I was already drunk – and having a drink – and then I remember saying ouch no no stop, then waking up naked on my couch.

I have had one night stands before…and yes, I feel bad afterwards, but this time it felt very different. First off – I had no recollection of the person that I had taken home. No idea on hair color, body type, even race. No matter how many times I have done that – or how drunk I have been – I have never completely not remembered the person, especially if I took them home.  I also hadn’t had that much to drink to have not remembered that badly (that I could remember…). After assesing the situation in my room to what I woke up to (I’ll spare the details), I decided that I had been violated (sodomy *shudder*). I have never ever ever ever no matter how drunk I have been – been okay with that. When I left the bar, I was being openly sexual with people and openly saying that I wanted to take someone home. I might have wanted to. I just do remember saying no. I know it sounds crazy to not remember the person at all – but then to remember saying no. That just doesn’t seem possible.. but it is true. I do remember saying no, stop stop. I don’t know how else to explain it :\

So I have been really torn. I don’t know how much I lead this person on – I don’t know if I said no then yes. I don’t know. I know that I felt violated and that something just didn’t feel right about the whole thing. So I reported it. I asked myself though – if he hadn’t of sodomized me, would I feel the same way about reporting it? I probably wouldn’t have – so what makes it different?? I suppose the fact that I remember saying no and that wasn’t what I wanted? The police told me that any time a woman is drunk like that – it’s wrong to take advantage of the situation. Hense my confusion.

Well let me tell you… the police apparently take this thing very seriously. The more of a big deal they made everything – the more I questioned if I should have reported it. It’s possible that the person was just a joe schmo and he didn’t realize I was blackout drunk.  Or it’s possible that the person was a predator, looking for an easy target. It will be worth it to have reported it if it turns out to be the latter.

I read a lot online about sexual assault and drunken sexual encounters vs. assault, and it has come to my attention that this controversy is almost as controversial as abortion. People get very heated about it- and they almost all have their own take on it. Each case is very unique.  I ask myself – well… since I don’t remember.. maybe I egged him on? Or maybe I did try to stop him? There is no way to tell. I guess better safe than sorry? I just don’t want to be thought of as a drunk girl who made a mistake and wants to blame something else for what happened. I don’t blame myself, I don’t blame the other person. It was a combination of things… but in this case, it just didn’t feel right. Something just didn’t feel right.

It’s been a weird few days. I hate hospitals and pills and all that crap – so when they made me go to a hospital for like, 5 hours and then made me take about 10 different pills…. I didn’t know what to think. I had to take more yesterday. So I know that my body has been all out of it – and I kind of feel like I am maybe in a state of shock still.

This has to be the last straw/rock bottom for my drinking. It’s not okay to get blackout drunk, EVER. So I decided also that I have to just completely stop. Not 1 drink. Not 2. Not 6. It’s an issue, and it has to be fixed and I know that it is in my control to do so.

Before this happened, I knew that I had things bothering me and I needed to try to figure stuff out for myself – and I suppose this really just speeds things up. I won’t have to go through another night of feeling bad for myself for getting drunk and doing stupid things. I guess I could take it as a learning experience then. It’s an eye opener to drinking in excess.

I am not so angry that it happened to me. I know that it was kind of something that could have happened a lot sooner – and I am lucky it didn’t. But… it did. So now I just have to move on from it. Thank goodness the docs said it wouldn’t take too long for me to heal, and it could have been so much worse. The person could have been a murderer or something. Then I wouldn’t have been able to change my behavior or reflect on past experiences. If I didn’t make a conscious change and allowed a next time to happen – that could be the one that beats me up or hurts me much worse. That can’t happen. I am a little angry at myself for putting myself in that situation knowing that it’s bad for me so many times. It was the alcohol.

This is it and I have to be okay with the fact that I do have a problem with alcohol, and that I do have issues and problems that cause self destructive tendencies. I am going to try to get some therapy for my quarter life crisis to try to deal with the repressed stuff that has been coming out WAY more lately. It’s been really hard. I have nothing but time – since I don’t have a job. Nothing but time to let my brain run wild.

I gotta figure something out.

UPDATE: The bastard also stole my guitar. wtf.

October 12, 2008

AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 2:57 pm

So – I am sitting at my apartment – looking around it. Thinking about what I should be doing today…. cleaning my room … dishes… packing for the salton sea trip.

I spent the weekend with my friend Jenn and that was a blast. It helped me to escape from reality a little bit. I fell off my rocker last night though at the bar – don’t remember the latter half of the night – but sources confirm that I was just smashed. I didn’t do anything that I should be disappointed about so that’s good.. I mean, besides actually being drunk. I shouldn’t have taken shots… that just put me over, but patron is sssssoooooo good.

Anyway – back to my reflection…. so I am pondering all these things I should be doing … and it’s just like the motivation isn’t there… I still believe that I am in a mild state of depression. That is such an odd feeling for us to have isn’t it? Some people are so willing to feel depression but less willing to feel love… it’s like – depression is more concrete. We have defined it with chemicals and science….but.. it’s a feeling. Just like love. We can’t take an emotion – like depression … and scientize it .. it doesn’t work, that’s like making a pill to fix people who are in love – crazed obsession type love. If they can give you a happy pill to “fix” your feeling – then why can’t they give you a pill to “fix” love? Emotions rule our lives…

and speaking of emotions…. I’m still not feeling many. Although I do have to say that it really was great to see Jon yesterday. I miss him a lot. This year has been rough for a lot of people and I actually felt positive to talk to him a little bit. He has been a friend for a very long time….

Back to “life”. I need to take a nap today – I feel hungover. ha. How’s that for feeling?

I always figure everything out. I always get by. I know that this won’t be any different. At least I have that in my mind. I just don’t know where to go with it.

My attention span is like that of a gnat.

Where am I going with this? Who knows. This blog is like my life. All over the place. AAHH!!!!

July 30, 2008

sleeeep

Filed under: Bands, Life, Music — Tags: , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 1:56 pm

I am falling asleep at my desk.

I had a show last night – the worst show ever at the upstairs – and the most expensive show ever.

The bands, however, said they had an amazing time. Soooo… as long as the bands are happy – I am good. I just wish there would have been people there to see them play.

I partied like crazy yesterday – went to bed around 4am then woke up at 7am for a job interview – then work. The bands might still be at my house. I just want to go home and sleeeeep.

It was nice to see the A Thorn for Every Heart again and I’m looking forward to seeing them the end of august. The Lives of Famous Men were certainly nice chaps as well.

Friday is the huge dance party – the 2nd one we have done….and this time its on a friday so it’s going to be way more off the hook than the last one. And maybe I’ll make back some of the money that I lost on the show last night. AAHHH!!

I did get drunk last night – but I didn’t do anything I regret… so that’s good! I am just so sleepy. Is it better to be a sleepy zombie all day or to go home and sleep?!

July 22, 2008

I hate that….

It really bothers me when people who are your “really good friends” use that against you when they are upset. I understand forgive and forget, but I really feel like I am being projected onto because of other people’s personal issues.

Anyway – I think I am going a little boy crazy lately and this is a very new thing for me. I have never really been actively distracted by men too much – but for some reason I’ve been just out and about and feeling like I could actually go on a date or two. I never date. I just don’t. I just have always kind of felt like when you met that person you’re supposed to be with – you’ll know .. and so dating around has never really appealed to me. But.. now I’m starting to think … crap! I have been single my entire life… maybe I should let myself date…? It’s the weirdest thing for me … so I guess I just have to try it out and see if I like it or not. There isn’t any other way to find out except just experiencing it I guess. Although – thinking about dating boys/men is starting to distract me. I know that I am a big flirt already so it’s just making it worse. oh geeze.

At least I am still doing what I need to do – taking care of work, and my shows. Working hard. I have two interviews next week (THANK GOODNESS) for new jobs since I lose my job in about a month.

I am antsy right now.

I took a nap in the park this afternoon and meant to only sleep for an hour but I wound up being out there for two hours…. it was actually kind of nice, but I wish now that I slept in the shade. I like being hot though. It feels good.

I went dancing again last night – I love dancing but I have to stop getting so intoxicated so that I can have more fun and not make an ass of myself or be dancing all up on people like I was last night. Not looking forward to those pictures. oh man. I asked Nick not to post them….but I doubt that he really cares.

Anyway – I better get back to work.

July 13, 2008

party time. excellent.

So I had to post two blogs today — since I had one that was me venting and irritated… this is the happy blog.

This is the happy blog about the dance party that we had for me and Joseph’s birthday with MUST.NOT.DIE … and two other sacramento DJs, Diamondmonsterrr and Nick Avey

The party was absolutely crazy. I couldn’t have imagined the amount of people that showed up. It was one of those things where a few people came by, we had over 300 jello shots… and just got it started right away – with the music crackin, people dancing and James & Colin passing out the jello shots:

Then as people showed up … the dancing started…

and then more and more and more people showed up…

and it just was crrraaazzyyyy

aaannnnddd heres meee

sooo the partying went on and on.

Not only did the partying continue on and on…my friend picked me up on his shoulders and carried me around the party giving high fives and dancing. It was SUCH a blast. 🙂 I felt like such a huge celebrity. It was so incredible. Hopefully this party will really help kick off our next dance event that we put on.
Anyway, it was the best birthday that I have ever had — and we wound up having over 200 people and the streets were filled with people just drinking and hanging out and dancing and cheering and it was greeeaaatttt.
And the best part about the whole thing is that I MANAGED TO BE SOBER!!! which was amazing because I remembered everything and I got to dance all night and not have to worry about myself acting all weird or drunk or doing dumb shit. 🙂 Yes for having a great sober birthday!

July 11, 2008

Schmoozin’ and Boozin’

So I went to this “industry” party last night at a record studio. It was fun to get there and do the whole who’s who. To walk around giving everyone the head nod, the “HEY!!!!” and the subtle eye contact. Most people I knew, but there were a few I had the opportunity to meet and network with.
There was an open bar at the studio. Free beer…. free wine… and after everyone had left and it was just me and two of the bands, the owner, and maybe a few stragglers, they busted out the patron. THAT I could have done without.
I went to bed around 4 and woke up at 7. I am at work right now. Reeeeaaalllly loopy. Not sure loopy is the right word for it. HA! I just found out that my plans tonight are cancelled and oh man I have never been so excited about that in my entire life. So now I get to FINALLY relax before the huge party tomorrow night for my two dozenth birthday.
Work should be slow. Not much do to and I get to leave at noon. On a side note, but directly related to this post, the party last night was really really fun. It’s nice to hang out with people who really care about the scene and to converse with them…. talk about ideas and thoughts … and how we’re all in it together. It was very unifying…. really motivated me. It was a great night.
I had a fabulous time at dinner with Janice beforehand, and I wish I would have known they were going to have a smorgasboard of free food at this studio, but hey I did get out of there with some free wine and beer in my backpack. WOO.
All in all I give last night a 8.9 out of 10 stars.
Sweeeeet.

July 4, 2008

can I get a what what?

Filed under: Life, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 12:50 am

Sometimes I feel like I have more control over myself than I know…. and other times I feel like a dumb idiot who has no self control. Alcohol is a bitch. Have one or two and you feel good. Three or four and you start to lose control… five or six and you’re done for.

Some people say when you drink, the “real you” comes out.. the real feelings…. some people say when you drink, the worst of yourself comes out.. or the best. For me…. you never know. It could be good… it could be bad. When it’s good…its great. but when it’s bad… its REALLY bad.

I am just appreciative of everything that I have and every opportunity I have to spend with my friends and have a good time and be happy. These days should be every day. I try to be the best friend I can be, and be there for my friends if they need anything. I do, however, need to work on my self control when in drinking situations. I have such a hard time when I feel really intensely passionate about something to not let it come out in that sense when I have a few drinks. I love life. Apparently I am intimidating? I should just feel things out and work harder on my brain/mouth control. I tend to say things before I think about them – something I do even when I am not drinking.

Anyway — life is good. Tomorrow is another day. Time to get some sleep.

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