talking to myself

November 25, 2008

when?

Filed under: existence, Life, random — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 11:38 pm

So tonight I have been feeling somewhat inspired.

Also- the naming of my blog, “talking to myself”… I started this blog way before Stephan Jenkins wrote this INCREDIBLE song.. I suppose great minds think alike. heh:

WATCH THE VIDEO AND READ ALONG….

Every moment of your life
Is a chance to get it right
Any moment you’ve been living in
You could turn it on like a light
All the weight of the years
Has got me burstin’ into tears
Standin’ here with nothin’
I stand alone inside my fears

Like an atom reveals a deeper state
Well I swear for me tonight
It’s not too late

To tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I’ll mean it
Even when I’m talking to myself
I said maybe, it’s you and only you and no one else

How I miss Moscow
Those people really know
How to have a good time
In a mixed up state of mind
And Monotov’s Private Opera is closed
So I guess I’ll go home now
Cause there’s no wheres else to go

And I will tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I will mean it
Even when I’m talking to myself
I said baby, it’s you and only you and no one else
You and no one else

Now I’m stuck inside a poem
And then I’m walkin by myself
In the dark, all alone
And these actors and dramatists
They won’t send me home

Well, maybe I’m like my father
Strung out on something or another
Held to a standard
We were always sinking under
And maybe I’m like my mother
She shattered cause no one loved her
Maybe I, Maybe I am like no other

And some moments are more real than the books I’ve read
And a good woman, maybe she meant what she said
Cause to feel you now ya know, it goes straight to my head

So I’ll tell you baby
It’s you and only you and no one else
And I will mean it, even when I’m talkin’ to myself
I said baby, it’s you and only you and no one else
Talkin’ to myself
Talkin’ to myself

And everything changed in a day
And I know another one on the way
And I’ll tell you
Everything changed in a day
And I know another one is on the way

Probably listening to that song, and the other new 3eb songs got me in this moood -but I wanted to write so I sent a friend a little ditty i wrote:

I think that
all we need is something to believe in.
or maybe it’s just me…
but I don’t quite know what this thing could possibly be.
Or maybe I do –
I’ll find out tomorrow…
but today won’t go away.

anyway – so I am sitting in my apartment – it’s a little chilly but I have been using the heater too much these days and I am still broke so I shouldn’t use it.

I noticed though that my concept of what to spend money on is very odd.  I don’t have a problem buying a band dinner, but then I won’t turn the heater on so I don’t have to spend money on the heating bill. Where are my priorities?! ha

My whole world is so whirly right now… I keep going back and forth with things – my concept of time and my perception of things have been freaking me out. Today – I was a little freaked out… I was in the bathroom at my work – and I was sitting on the toilet and I saw someone come into the stall next to me. I saw their shoes… their jeans… heard the door close of their stall.   I came out of my stall and there was no one else in the bathroom. No one in the stall next to me. Nothing. I went over to the door to see if maybe someone had just left and I didn’t hear the door, but the door made a lot of noise and no one was standing outside or near it or anything. So weird. I couldn’t really explain that. I swear, I saw the ladies shoes and everything. Weird. Very weird.

I am glad that I have the internet at home right now… but at the same time… I kind of liked not having it so that I wouldn’t sit here for hours. It forced me to read. Although this is better than sitting on the couch watching a movie or just zoning out.

I wonder when I zone out – what our brains are doing. It’s like I am not really thinking of anything specific, and then I have to snap out of it and I don’t even realize how long I have been “zoning”.

More oddness. There is something going on. Still.

Anyway….. I guess I am done.

I feel okay?

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August 12, 2008

I like being busy

Filed under: existence, health, Life, random — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 4:36 pm

I know that I like to be busy. I like to have things to do – and feel like I am making some kind of progress. If I don’t… I get depressed and feel meaningless.

Right now – I have a lot to do so it justifies my existence. Then when I say that I need a break – does that mean I can’t handle all the work like I think I can?

It’s just all the shows. I can’t let them overwhelm me. I look at my calendar and when I actually mentally process all the things that I am doing – I get anxious. So I have to just keep going and keep doing it and not think about it.

All the steps are coming together. I can’t believe we got approved for another dance party. I really didn’t think that would happen. That’s pretty freakin cool. So now more things to prepare for. I bought a 12 foot banner to put outside of the venue too – so I am pretty stoked about that. It’s a digitally printed banner… I kind of wanted the vinyl lettering, but digital works – its cheaper… and you’ll still be able to see it from the street and that’s what’s important.

I get to go in and put the lights up tomorrow – I am excited but at the same time nervous about putting something in there that’s somewhat permanent. We have a lot going on though – so I might as well…I have something around 15 shows coming up not including the dance party.

It’s exciting!!!!

I get to record my stairway band on thursday – I can’t believe how fast the whole thing is over … this summer went so fast!

I tried to work myself out yesterday to where I would be sore today – but it didn’t work. I will have to try again today. I did do a decent amount of running – almost 3 miles non-stop… and I didn’t slow down – I guess the crappy part of gaining stamina is that you have to work out harder and longer….

I keep waking up super early and my body is like, okay time to wake up – but I don’t want to so I force myself to go back to sleep and then I wind up being more tired than if I would have just gotten myself up earlier. I think that next time I wake up – I should just get up. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to see if I have more energy during the day….

Alright I’m done.

July 7, 2008

the non-weekend….

I had a four day weekend .. and I hardly got to relax. I did it to myself though.

I do make all these decisions that aren’t really ‘good’ for me… my roommate told me that I choose to lose money on my shows. I told him that if choosing to lose money on my shows means that I value the band’s hard work in playing and pay them anyway – then yes, I do choose to lose money. But…. it’s not losing money… it’s an investment in the future of the music industry. In the future of bands making music and the future of entertainment of society. I know that I could have paid everyone 25 bucks and they probably would have been happy with just that – but I can’t in a clear conscience do that and take more money for myself. Even though I probably should in some circumstances…. maybe that’s what he was talking about? I don’t know… but it really irritated me.

I am trying to do something good here. I am trying to make a difference and a change and value people for the goodness of their existence. We are all here…. for whatever reason who knows, but I believe that everyone in their own way is important for some reason…. to themselves and to others. Money is nothing. So what if I gave the bands money out of my pocket, so what if I might be broke next month. So what? I will find a way to eat, I will find a way to get my rent paid. I mean…. money is just money. You can always make more money. IT ISN’T EASY. but….. it’s extremely possible….maybe I make things harder on myself because I don’t fear being broke becuase I am willing to work hard? I make things easier for other people who don’t want to work hard…?

Anyway… obviously whatever my roommate said got to me, but I just don’t like it when people question my motivations or try to explain to me that I am a glutton for punishment because I do these things to myself…. granted I SHOULD value myself more, but I am still on this way of thinking that I am here for other people… not for me. I have definitely gotten better at appreciating myself… but life is a learning experience and I think that we all figure out new things about each other and about ourselves every day… I mean… the “who are we” question is almost just as bad as the “what are we doing here”. I don’t try to really find myself too much anymore… because I’m always changing…. and people who don’t change and people who refuse to grow… well… ???

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