talking to myself

December 24, 2012

feeling weak

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 12:21 pm

I feel weak. I feel like I let myself down. I feel used and manipulated. 

I know that I can’t change the past, I can only change my future. At the same time.. I know that addiction can turn people into someone they are not….without even realizing how his actions may be affecting others. I am upset at myself but… I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for giving in and driving him to the dealers house. We all have moments of weakness and it sounds like we both were having one. I plan to keep myself in check and next time I will be stronger. I will be able to say NO…and saying NO does not mean I don’t love him or care about him no matter what he says… drugs will make people say anything.

I am a smart person. I am a loving giving caring person. I need to be VERY clear with him on what my boundaries are and I need to stick to them. If refusing to take him to get drugs means he won’t be with me, then he needs to find someone who will…because I won’t do that anymore. 

I promise myself that I won’t do it ever again. No matter how much he guilts me or gets upset. I will not hold it against him now…what’s done is done. I will just know for myself and for the future. 

November 18, 2012

More time…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 8:00 pm

As the past becomes the past … as humans we have a hard time letting it go, not letting it impact us, yet it always does. We are who we are due to out past… our experiences. People will build resentment towards others when there is a lack of communication. 

Within ourselves we have the ability to let things go – to live a life in peace and serenity… to control our minds and emotions. Where does the line lie between letting something go and being content and just pushing things aside and becoming numb? There surely must be a significant difference. 

Working through emotions and settling for bad treatment in life I can justify because of my free thinking and ability to forgive easily.. or so I thought. What if it isn’t what I thought? What if my ability to forgive easily isn’t really that? What if it is really my low self worth and low self esteem that I can “put up with anything.” Is that something to be proud of? I doubt it… or is it? 

I do not really know the difference. My mind has been racing. I have been struggling to process the past few days and I have no idea what to think. In my heart I make excuses and forgiveness for others.. but my brain says that my heart is weak and I need to think more rationally. 

What is it going to take for me to feel that I am making the “right” decisions? I sometimes wonder if I exaggerate or not … I constantly question my own motives and my own ideas… my own feelings. As if someone else should back me up or validate my feelings. I validate my own feelings but when they are dismissed, I question them, which causes me emotional pain. 

I keep wondering and keep hoping that somehow things will become clear to me. In my mind they are clear, in my heart – they are not. The struggle of humanity really… heart vs. brain. This is nothing new. 

Do I have to let this anguish take over the parts of my brain that are open to influence? I am hesitant to make any conclusions… the uncertainty is confusing. All of it… and it is hard to talk to someone about it.. hard to share, because without the heart involved, the whole thing is basically irrational. 

You can say that there are solutions… a definitive answer…but… is there really??

December 17, 2011

What can I do?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 6:12 pm

What can I do? I am not really sure. I am stubborn. I want to finish what I start. I guess I should be appreciative when someone else steps in to help, but when I become frustrated and someone comes in and says, “here, you are getting frustrated… let me take over.. don’t worry about it.” It makes me MORE frustrated. It is hard for me to let things go that I have become frustrated or worked up about. I need to do some meditating. My heart is racing and I could feel myself getting angry and worked up. Because I didn’t want to stop working on something that I started.

July 5, 2009

herbs

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:00 pm

So I am trying St. John’s Wart. I think that it will help with my moods. I hope that it does. I did some research and most sites say give it 4 to 6 weeks before you form an opinion. Me and my impatience…. will just have to wait. *sigh*

Nothing new. Gonna start making lists to keep myself doing things. Maybe feeling like I am accomplishing something will make me feel better. I just have a lot of anger inside me towards the world. I hate the hate… so it breeds more hate…. its a vicious cycle. dangit!

Wish me luck!

July 1, 2009

a blog that is probably too personal

So.. I have told some people about what happened to me this weekend – but it’s been hard to explain.

From an outsiders perspective, it may have seemed like I was just really really wasted and took someone home.

This time it was different. I realize that YES I put myself in an extremely vulnerable situation. YES it’s very quite possible that even after saying no, I may have said yes. I realize that anything may have happened… because… I don’t remember. I remember showing up to the bar – where I was already drunk – and having a drink – and then I remember saying ouch no no stop, then waking up naked on my couch.

I have had one night stands before…and yes, I feel bad afterwards, but this time it felt very different. First off – I had no recollection of the person that I had taken home. No idea on hair color, body type, even race. No matter how many times I have done that – or how drunk I have been – I have never completely not remembered the person, especially if I took them home.  I also hadn’t had that much to drink to have not remembered that badly (that I could remember…). After assesing the situation in my room to what I woke up to (I’ll spare the details), I decided that I had been violated (sodomy *shudder*). I have never ever ever ever no matter how drunk I have been – been okay with that. When I left the bar, I was being openly sexual with people and openly saying that I wanted to take someone home. I might have wanted to. I just do remember saying no. I know it sounds crazy to not remember the person at all – but then to remember saying no. That just doesn’t seem possible.. but it is true. I do remember saying no, stop stop. I don’t know how else to explain it :\

So I have been really torn. I don’t know how much I lead this person on – I don’t know if I said no then yes. I don’t know. I know that I felt violated and that something just didn’t feel right about the whole thing. So I reported it. I asked myself though – if he hadn’t of sodomized me, would I feel the same way about reporting it? I probably wouldn’t have – so what makes it different?? I suppose the fact that I remember saying no and that wasn’t what I wanted? The police told me that any time a woman is drunk like that – it’s wrong to take advantage of the situation. Hense my confusion.

Well let me tell you… the police apparently take this thing very seriously. The more of a big deal they made everything – the more I questioned if I should have reported it. It’s possible that the person was just a joe schmo and he didn’t realize I was blackout drunk.  Or it’s possible that the person was a predator, looking for an easy target. It will be worth it to have reported it if it turns out to be the latter.

I read a lot online about sexual assault and drunken sexual encounters vs. assault, and it has come to my attention that this controversy is almost as controversial as abortion. People get very heated about it- and they almost all have their own take on it. Each case is very unique.  I ask myself – well… since I don’t remember.. maybe I egged him on? Or maybe I did try to stop him? There is no way to tell. I guess better safe than sorry? I just don’t want to be thought of as a drunk girl who made a mistake and wants to blame something else for what happened. I don’t blame myself, I don’t blame the other person. It was a combination of things… but in this case, it just didn’t feel right. Something just didn’t feel right.

It’s been a weird few days. I hate hospitals and pills and all that crap – so when they made me go to a hospital for like, 5 hours and then made me take about 10 different pills…. I didn’t know what to think. I had to take more yesterday. So I know that my body has been all out of it – and I kind of feel like I am maybe in a state of shock still.

This has to be the last straw/rock bottom for my drinking. It’s not okay to get blackout drunk, EVER. So I decided also that I have to just completely stop. Not 1 drink. Not 2. Not 6. It’s an issue, and it has to be fixed and I know that it is in my control to do so.

Before this happened, I knew that I had things bothering me and I needed to try to figure stuff out for myself – and I suppose this really just speeds things up. I won’t have to go through another night of feeling bad for myself for getting drunk and doing stupid things. I guess I could take it as a learning experience then. It’s an eye opener to drinking in excess.

I am not so angry that it happened to me. I know that it was kind of something that could have happened a lot sooner – and I am lucky it didn’t. But… it did. So now I just have to move on from it. Thank goodness the docs said it wouldn’t take too long for me to heal, and it could have been so much worse. The person could have been a murderer or something. Then I wouldn’t have been able to change my behavior or reflect on past experiences. If I didn’t make a conscious change and allowed a next time to happen – that could be the one that beats me up or hurts me much worse. That can’t happen. I am a little angry at myself for putting myself in that situation knowing that it’s bad for me so many times. It was the alcohol.

This is it and I have to be okay with the fact that I do have a problem with alcohol, and that I do have issues and problems that cause self destructive tendencies. I am going to try to get some therapy for my quarter life crisis to try to deal with the repressed stuff that has been coming out WAY more lately. It’s been really hard. I have nothing but time – since I don’t have a job. Nothing but time to let my brain run wild.

I gotta figure something out.

UPDATE: The bastard also stole my guitar. wtf.

June 23, 2009

“25” sentiments….

The feeling of

5 x 5

takes me to the future

the future I have made

but

my future quickly becomes my past

mistake infused

glee infested

lost pieces of memories

that find themselves

places to hide

moving forward, supposed to leave them behind

but I want to remember

yesterday’s faults

and I want to forgive

myself.

the feeling of

5 x 5

takes over

and I just can’t move on.

May 26, 2009

something has to change

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:34 pm

does anyone know if some moons or stars or planets or weird energy has changed or moved or something in the past week?

I swear there are some funky forces pushing me around these days. I don’t like it!!!!

Get away from me ya jerks!! STOP BRINGING ME DOWN!!

Can anyone who reads this please send some vibes out to the universe to back off? Thanks 🙂

September 14, 2008

thinking…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:51 pm

left or wrong

right or right

Yes.

I have centered myself on something

I don’t know what it is

I don’t know how

But

I am.

Here

I am alive.

There isn’t much more to ask for.

What else is left

That’s right?

July 25, 2008

most of my posts…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:05 am

So I was reading through my posts… and I’m realizing that they almost all have some kind of theme to them associated with change. Perhaps that is something that is always on my mind in some way or another. It’s something that my life revolves around.

I started to think about the way I live my life and the amount of change that has occured in my life due to myself wanting to please other people instead of what I want to do… and it always seems like I am unhappy the more that I focus on others needs because I always want to help those who feel like they don’t need help or want help so I get taken advantage of. So….onto more change… more change in the persuit of happiness.
It really doesn’t take much to make me happy. I like to think of myself as a pretty easy to please person. Small things make me happy. I can handle the big stuff on my own much easier – I just need help in between. Anyway – I love change.. that’s probably why I talk about it so much, because I find it so interesting. Not sure if anyone reading this finds it interesting.

On another note – since I started blogging… for some reason – I feel more confident in myself. It’s like – I get on here – put my thoughts out there … and then it’s out. I hold back a lot of myself sometimes worrying that anyone will get to know “the real me” – even though my friends will argue that they all know the real me, and that I am easy to figure out … Maybe I am?! I guess that isn’t really a bad thing.

This weekend should be cool – I am going out to another dance thing with MUST.NOT.DIE and then saturday I have an acoustic show at the java lounge and sunday another show at the upstairs. oh man I wish I actually made money on these shows sometimes.. it’s so much work!! I just keep telling myself to be patient. It has been over 10 years I have been doing shows and I think that finally it may be coming around …. but the music industry is so up and down.
Ah well – KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!!!

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