talking to myself

October 11, 2013

Chasing

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 9:35 pm

I spend my whole life chasing what I want. Chasing. Tenacious they say, motivated they say, a go-getter. I am just a chaser. Chasing everything, keep moving forward, not looking back. Sometimes I do look back… but I never want to go back. Pursue, chase, pulling and pushing.. seeing things in fast motion, slow down. I literally chased my dad. Literally.

No wonder I run after love, no wonder I am scared to let it come to me. I have no experience with the latter. Very minimal experience to back up the latter. When I think I have something I cling to it… because I am scared of losing it, but when I lose something.. I am okay. So what am I scared of? Not being love? But.. I am loved.

We’re never alone. We are all connected. We are all one. Not being loved romantically? That is what I am scared of. It has to be.. and I cling to it because I never had it stick around. I want it for whatever time frame that I can have it. I don’t get the longevity.. or not to feel like I have to cling to something, begging, desperate, alone.

At the same time, I am so overwhelmed with joy sometimes I take it all in and somehow for a little while it fills that void. This void of love from a man, that attention – not just the love I have to be doing something – that if I don’t do these things I won’t have the attention. My mom would chase/cling to men too. There has to be a way to change this behavior. It isn’t healthy to feel like you have to cling to someone and beg and chase someone around to get them to like you or want you. Our lives pass by, the days pass quickly.

We go about our days and have experiences and we forget about past experiences or we create and pursue other experiences. We create our realities. We are all here together and we are all connected. Each day passes, another day arrives and time keeps passing. The clock keeps ticking. Another moment arrives, another moment has passed. Lift for it but patience, every moment is a new possibility. Every day brings new possibilities. To stop. To be. To let yourself be. To not chase myself around.

March 27, 2012

always questioning

Filed under: health, Life, Venting — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 5:34 pm

I am not sure why it is that I am always questioning everything. Questioning my motives, questioning other peoples motives, questioning my decisions, questioning other peoples decisions. Wondering, striving to know more, wanting to see all sides of things… this just doesn’t get easier does it? I find myself more and more each day wondering what I am supposed to be doing. Wondering how to live my life and wondering what I am doing right or wrong… and why I even think of things as right or wrong…. there are many different ways to live and different ways to do things. ..sure some may be more efficient, some may be considered “better” by other people, but what if it isn’t “better” to me? People can be stubborn. I am stubborn. I like to enjoy and do things and take my time, I like to relax, I don’t like to be anxious. The past couple weeks have been so anxiety ridden that I have had a hard time functioning. My brain is on overload, my emotions are on overload and I feel like crying at least once a day. I don’t know how to make myself happy.. even with happy things going on. I have felt depressed… but this feels different… or maybe when I was depressed before it wasn’t actually depression and this is? I want to be happy. I want to do things I want to do. I want to follow through and be a person of integrity and strong moral character. I don’t like killing spiders. I don’t know why I take it to such a level that I find a moral problem with killing a spider…and before it was killed I wanted to take it and put on the other side of the fence or in the tree or something and instead it was smashed…then I was told “what you want to fight about me killing a spider? It is  a spider, get over it”… and I said .. “It didn’t do anything! Why did you have to kill it?” and the response, “I don’t like spiders”.. .. “but spiders are good”… “I know..” .. “Then why did you kill it?” … “You really want to fight about this?”… And… I take it to the level that this person is being inconsiderate and rude and not listening… and just wanting to get their way. Granted that is sort of what I wanted too, but I am tired to giving in. I am just so exhausted. I finally got a job and I can barely be happy about it because I am so frustrated and confused. I find myself multiple times a day wanting to crawl into a hole or just sleep or go away or something. Am I letting someone else have too much influence in my actions? Probably. Am I having to constantly think about my actions and words so to not upset someone else? Probably. Is this healthy? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I overthinking? Maybe. Should I keep worrying about it? Probably not. The days are going to go by. The time will go by. Things will happen, and more things will happen. I am a planner. I like planning, I like having lists, I like being productive. I have to do that. I am starting a job soon. That will give me structure and help me with my desire to plan and be productive. I am overwhelmed. All the time. I am with someone and I still feel lonely. I felt this way in my last relationship. Maybe I just have some sort of lonely problem. Some woe is me issue. Some type of “pay attention to me” issue? I don’t know. I just feel crappy today. I still haven’t been to the gym in over a week, and it’s raining. I can make excuses today but what about tomorrow????

December 21, 2011

New ?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 9:46 pm

I hadn’t written in this blog in a long time, and when I did, a couple people actually read it. I thought this was my little space in the cyber world to ramble about whatever it is I felt like rambling about at the time…didn’t think anyone still followed this thing… As far as my current ramblings… today I guess i was in sort of a blah mood. I didn’t feel like I was in a blah mood, until someone said something, then I was like, hmm.. I guess I am sort of in a blah mood. I don’t even know what that means. It is sort of in the middle of angry and happy. Mostly apathetic but not even caring enough to be apathetic… just… blah. It isn’t negative or positive.. I guess sort of the neutron of moods. 

It was an interesting day. Sort of contemplative… of what.. I couldn’t tell you. I have been feeling like the foods I am eating are starting to get to me.. I have been eating a lot of crap and fast food.. which I never used to do before – I couldn’t have told you the last time I ate fast food, now I eat it probably every day. It’s because I am so unsettled. 

I need to post another blog about my unsettledness and not really having a “home.”

 

December 17, 2011

What can I do?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 6:12 pm

What can I do? I am not really sure. I am stubborn. I want to finish what I start. I guess I should be appreciative when someone else steps in to help, but when I become frustrated and someone comes in and says, “here, you are getting frustrated… let me take over.. don’t worry about it.” It makes me MORE frustrated. It is hard for me to let things go that I have become frustrated or worked up about. I need to do some meditating. My heart is racing and I could feel myself getting angry and worked up. Because I didn’t want to stop working on something that I started.

December 12, 2011

something new

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 3:58 pm

I haven’t posted on here in a really long time – there are so many things that have changed and a lot of things that haven’t changed. I read through my previous posts and can obviously sense the unhappiness and angst in the posts… a lot of that is sort of still underlying but I seem to be doing a better job of coping with it. My life hasn’t turned out how I imagined , actually nothing has been working out as I imagined lately…but… I am alright. Having a place to stay, some occasional work, my friends, my boyfriend and my own freedom has been a huge factor in trying to consider the things I am thankful for… and not let myself get into a rut. It is easy to do though. It is easy to get unmotivated and it is easy to feel like nothing is working out… so I just have to be constantly fighting those feelings of wanting to give up. It’s so strange… I never had those feelings before – I was always motivated, always doing something, always busy. I am not really like that anymore. The thought of being super busy makes me tired just thinking about it. I used to love being busy. Maybe I still do? I haven’t been consistently busy in a long time. I have had busy days don’t get me wrong, but never been busy overall. I notice myself saying a lot, “just trying to keep busy”…but I wonder what that actually means?
What if I said, “oh just relaxing, taking it easy”…. I guess the second one definitely has a more positive ring to it. I enjoy being alive, but it is hard to find much happiness in things as if I build myself up and get let down so I don’t build myself up anymore. I overthink… and overthink and overthink. I am having a good day today, except that I am sort of overthinking and just trying to motivate myself. Guess I should get started on something?

June 11, 2009

thinking about alternate realities and energy

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , — crazygina @ 9:43 am

So I have been wondering a lot about the things that have been unfolding in my life and thinking about how things could have been different if even just one small thing changed. So then I start imagining how things could have been… and I wonder if there really are an infinite number of realms of possibility all existing at the same time as each other… and we create the one we live in, but the others continue to exist on their own. That’s kind of what makes me think that everything happens as it’s supposed to – because the energy in the universe flows to it’s “chosen” path. I think about consciousness and how our perception/interpretation of it could be totally wrong. These bodies are machines and our minds are too. We just don’t know how to work them. It’s like putting an infant in front of a G4 Mac and wondering how long it will take to put together a spreadsheet. We can’t possibly understand – we just don’t have a capability to. So is it worth it to think about it and wonder and study – will we EVER figure it out???!!! Are we supposed to? I wish I knew even a teeny tiny piece that we were missing – even that would make me feel validated. Because right now I feel like that baby in front of the computer… and all I can do is bang on the keys and hopefully make some words.

May 16, 2009

something is brewing…..

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 10:37 am

Don’t know what it is ….it’s been brewing inside me for a while. It’s this cycle that I have been trying to break out of my entire life, but somehow I am still stuck in it. How much of it can I attribute to circumstances beyond my control and how much of it can I attribute to myself? Where you do say – I can’t do anything about this. ? I have always said where there is a will there is a way – and that anything is possible. Am I really not putting myself into things? Am I just pretending to myself? I don’t know what the hell I am doing, and I just try to stay positive but the lingering demon chickens are always pecking at me. I don’t know where to go from here. I really don’t. I get myself stuck – or did I ? Is it the uncertainty that leads me to this? Or is it just frustration? Is it frustration with myself or with others? Can the angst go away with stability? It’s all in my head so I know that it’s in my control – so why can’t I deal with it? What does deal with it even mean? Oh what a way to start today. :\

April 26, 2009

why is it…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 7:17 pm

It’s been a LONG time since I have gotten on here and posted anything.

But… nothing has changed but at the same time… everything is different.

I need a job. correction.. I don’t need a job, I just need a way to pay my rent.

I’m tired, but happy. My emotions are outta control. OUT OF CONTROL.

I know it won’t calm down anytime soon so I just accept it. *sigh* tis life.
Just live it.

January 23, 2009

I think a lot.

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 11:47 pm

Sometimes I want to post a lot more on here. But I don’t.

So much changes every day and so many things could happen. The possibilities are so endless every day. Everything we know and everything we see could change in an instant… so what’s the point of ever getting comfortable? Should I just stay in and not go out and limit the possibilities of what could happen tonight? And is staying in really limiting anything or just changing the context of what could possibly happen? Anything could STILL happen.
I’m screwed either way. No control damnit!!

December 30, 2008

2008 Recap

In trying to look back over 2008 and evaluate some of the things that happened… I opened up my planner and heres a little month by month recap of some of the highlights and lowlights of my year.

January
Working on shows at the upstairs
Supergiant turned 5 years old
Mom came to visit
Went to digital download tour for 3 days straight with Lizzy

February
started short film on my roommate
Started TEAM GOLD for self against city
Lost my phone
Broken Iris played on KCRA 3
My brother died

March
Went to AZ for my brothers Funeral
Saw my dad for the first time in 8 years
Did lights for the Matches and FTSK at the boardwalk

April
Started the “jungle” for my balcony
Produced skips vocal showcase at the upstairs
Did some side work for Joe cleaning foreclosed houses
Started bootcamp program at the gym

May
Finished film project
Went to Kaboom in SF with Jenn
Roommate painted my apartment
Had a show with We Shot The Moon at the upstairs
Graduated from Sac State
Went to LA for work – Stream Naturalization Class

June
Started Stairway to Stardom program as a Coach
First ever Shoot The Lights out @ the upstairs
Went to a lot of dance parties
Put on the last metal show ever at the Underground

July
Turned 24 – had a crazy dance party
Went to the sammies and made a complete ass of myself
Lost my phone twice in a week
Had A Thorn For Every Heart play the upstairs
Had a band crash at my apartment
Drank too much

August
Shoot the lights out 2 @ the upstairs
Stairway to Stardom concert
Recorded with my stairway band
HOODS played at the upstairs
Lost my job

September
All upstairs shows were canceled including shoot the lights out 3
Moved some shows to boardwalk
lost over $500 on shows
Roommate moved out
Worked on American Idol for 8 days
Went to see Third Eye Blind for the 20th time
Worked doing telemarketing for a republican movie for two weeks

October
Was sick for two weeks
Went to apple hill
Left for the salton sea
Worked 12 to 16 hour days at the salton sea

November
Came back from the salton sea
Judged battle of the bands at club retro
Started work grading standardized tests
Hung out with On The Last Day

December
Only had work for 8 days out of the month
Hung out with Brave Citizens
Had a roommate move in and move out
Went to a dance party and made an ass of myself (again)
Lost my phone (again)
Mom came to visit
Moved my bedroom into the bigger room in my apartment

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