talking to myself

October 11, 2013

Chasing

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 9:35 pm

I spend my whole life chasing what I want. Chasing. Tenacious they say, motivated they say, a go-getter. I am just a chaser. Chasing everything, keep moving forward, not looking back. Sometimes I do look back… but I never want to go back. Pursue, chase, pulling and pushing.. seeing things in fast motion, slow down. I literally chased my dad. Literally.

No wonder I run after love, no wonder I am scared to let it come to me. I have no experience with the latter. Very minimal experience to back up the latter. When I think I have something I cling to it… because I am scared of losing it, but when I lose something.. I am okay. So what am I scared of? Not being love? But.. I am loved.

We’re never alone. We are all connected. We are all one. Not being loved romantically? That is what I am scared of. It has to be.. and I cling to it because I never had it stick around. I want it for whatever time frame that I can have it. I don’t get the longevity.. or not to feel like I have to cling to something, begging, desperate, alone.

At the same time, I am so overwhelmed with joy sometimes I take it all in and somehow for a little while it fills that void. This void of love from a man, that attention – not just the love I have to be doing something – that if I don’t do these things I won’t have the attention. My mom would chase/cling to men too. There has to be a way to change this behavior. It isn’t healthy to feel like you have to cling to someone and beg and chase someone around to get them to like you or want you. Our lives pass by, the days pass quickly.

We go about our days and have experiences and we forget about past experiences or we create and pursue other experiences. We create our realities. We are all here together and we are all connected. Each day passes, another day arrives and time keeps passing. The clock keeps ticking. Another moment arrives, another moment has passed. Lift for it but patience, every moment is a new possibility. Every day brings new possibilities. To stop. To be. To let yourself be. To not chase myself around.

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June 29, 2012

density

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 1:11 pm

The density of matter is what makes it more or less malleable… able to adapt to its surroundings or environment.. to change shape… 

What about dense people? They are stuck. So absorbed in themselves that they fail to see the other side of anything. They fail to see (or care) about any other agenda.

A simple, “how was your day” would be nice. A simple, “good morning” would be nice. 

Small, simple things that mean more than anything. It is NOT complicated. There isn’t more to it, it goes back to just…. be nice. Give respect and courtesy to all people. Family, friends…most strangers. 

I find myself in the same position I was a year ago and I guess I am finding myself in the same predicament… to move on or hang on? 

It is hard. Hard to think that the cycles of my life have brought me back to the same place. It may be the same place but I feel different. It doesn’t make it easier. I want to believe that I am seeing things wrong, I want to believe that my perceptions are skewed and that the reality of the situation is something different than what I think I am seeing. I want to believe that

Am I trying to force myself into something again? Am I pushing things? I don’t understand the “distance” thing. I never have. Wanting to be with someone but then pushing them away – but keeping them just close enough to get back if you want to. I feel like a fish on a REALLY long line. Sometimes the line gets pulled in tight and sometimes the line goes all the way out to sea 😦 

Maybe I am struggling? I don’t feel like I am putting up a fight. What happens to a fish that doesn’t struggle? It’s no fun to catch. Perhaps that is the problem. I am too easy. Too easy to reel in … 

It’s all one big game. But isn’t life just one big game anyway? Should I be concerned? Should I stop worrying and thinking about it? Should I stop noticing little things ??

This is ridiculous. I deserve to be treated like I am special, because I am. I want to feel like my boyfriend is MY BOYFRIEND. Just because he “isn’t feeling it” that day – doesn’t mean he can treat me differently day to day. That’s exactly what is going on. Whatever inner turmoil is going on with him, he wants me but he doesn’t???? I don’t know. Too much thinking about this stupid crap.

I am tired. I am tired of all of it. I am exhausted. I can’t tell if I am happy or not. I suppose I am in the same boat then. I am basing my happiness too much off getting positive attention from my boyfriend…but what the hell is the point of a boyfriend if they hardly kiss you, don’t like to cuddle….

I read an interesting article: http://primal-page.com/cuddle.htm

This put some things into perspective…. it’s just not easy 😦  

 

October 12, 2008

AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 2:57 pm

So – I am sitting at my apartment – looking around it. Thinking about what I should be doing today…. cleaning my room … dishes… packing for the salton sea trip.

I spent the weekend with my friend Jenn and that was a blast. It helped me to escape from reality a little bit. I fell off my rocker last night though at the bar – don’t remember the latter half of the night – but sources confirm that I was just smashed. I didn’t do anything that I should be disappointed about so that’s good.. I mean, besides actually being drunk. I shouldn’t have taken shots… that just put me over, but patron is sssssoooooo good.

Anyway – back to my reflection…. so I am pondering all these things I should be doing … and it’s just like the motivation isn’t there… I still believe that I am in a mild state of depression. That is such an odd feeling for us to have isn’t it? Some people are so willing to feel depression but less willing to feel love… it’s like – depression is more concrete. We have defined it with chemicals and science….but.. it’s a feeling. Just like love. We can’t take an emotion – like depression … and scientize it .. it doesn’t work, that’s like making a pill to fix people who are in love – crazed obsession type love. If they can give you a happy pill to “fix” your feeling – then why can’t they give you a pill to “fix” love? Emotions rule our lives…

and speaking of emotions…. I’m still not feeling many. Although I do have to say that it really was great to see Jon yesterday. I miss him a lot. This year has been rough for a lot of people and I actually felt positive to talk to him a little bit. He has been a friend for a very long time….

Back to “life”. I need to take a nap today – I feel hungover. ha. How’s that for feeling?

I always figure everything out. I always get by. I know that this won’t be any different. At least I have that in my mind. I just don’t know where to go with it.

My attention span is like that of a gnat.

Where am I going with this? Who knows. This blog is like my life. All over the place. AAHH!!!!

October 8, 2008

latest update

Filed under: existence, Life, random — Tags: , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 7:00 pm

soooo….. I haven’t had an epiphany yet.

The third eye blind concert didn’t even bring me any kind of enlightenment that I was semi-expecting. I have been so numb-ish lately trying to decode my own behavior. I just know that whatever I am doing, I am letting more of my subconscious do the directing… since my brain and most of my heart has been disagreeing.

But.. they say that radically changing your behavior patterns is hard (don’t they? who the hell is they??!!). So I continue to do things out of character or even against what I feel like I have done in the past. It’s kind of like tough love that I am doing to myself.

But… in doing this, somehow its pushing my emotions back. It’s like – I don’t feel much. Not much sadness, happiness, disappointment, anger or anything. I am just…. here.

I can’t tell if it’s bad or if it will pass or what’s going on… and in searching for spiritual and/or conscious guidance, I find myself back to square 1 every time and in the essence of just “being”.

My patience is being very tested lately and I believe that is where some of the questions are coming from. But the more questions that I ask, the more I am guided to simply exist.

Something is going to happen.

I don’t know what. I don’t know when, I don’t know why. I don’t know how many people it will affect… I just can feel something….. as nutso as it sounds.

SSSooooooo…. I will just keep waiting around….

I am going to the salton sea next week for the field sampling job. I’ll take lots of pictures. Maybe something there will open my eyes??

I am looking forward to being able to see the stars. We’ll be out in the middle of nowhere. No light pollution.

That should put some perspective on things.

a pirates story….

Filed under: Life, people, poetry, universe — Tags: , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 6:02 pm

Listen to the jingle jangle of the pirates many keys
and the ruckus of the souls who have been unlocked by those keys.
A RECKLESS pirate let them out but never put them back!
Going from door to door out of crazed curiousity
he used and plundered for his own enjoyment.
He wonders why the world hates him so…
Oh what a poor pirate,
wandering the fair seas
with never a home to call his own
With such joy the spirits do lift him up
above those who he has wronged
so he can see
but even the purest of spirits won’t change the pirate because he is
only loyal to himself
Such a sad sight,
the homeless, loveless pirate
If only he could make out the sight of something
true to form
He does not know to keep those souls behind the locked doors.
He sees the shores as his enemies and feels it is his plight
to make sure his work is done
guided by his MIGHT.
The holiest might that screams, RIGHTEOUS, at the same time
AYE MATEY
Furthering on a timeless ship that hopes to someday
win this fight
only all the seas have made him sick
and alas he cannot see very well
NO ONE IS FIGHTING

August 11, 2008

Trialing tribulations.

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , — crazygina @ 1:28 pm

I do what I want.
I know that I am doing.
I work.

That’s it. Just had to do a sort of self proclaimation. I had to write it down. Maintain collected confidence and continue on the path. Every step is a step forward. Even if I do a few backsteps, it’s never back the same way I came. New areas, new foraging. Now is it.

I love it.

July 4, 2008

can I get a what what?

Filed under: Life, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 12:50 am

Sometimes I feel like I have more control over myself than I know…. and other times I feel like a dumb idiot who has no self control. Alcohol is a bitch. Have one or two and you feel good. Three or four and you start to lose control… five or six and you’re done for.

Some people say when you drink, the “real you” comes out.. the real feelings…. some people say when you drink, the worst of yourself comes out.. or the best. For me…. you never know. It could be good… it could be bad. When it’s good…its great. but when it’s bad… its REALLY bad.

I am just appreciative of everything that I have and every opportunity I have to spend with my friends and have a good time and be happy. These days should be every day. I try to be the best friend I can be, and be there for my friends if they need anything. I do, however, need to work on my self control when in drinking situations. I have such a hard time when I feel really intensely passionate about something to not let it come out in that sense when I have a few drinks. I love life. Apparently I am intimidating? I should just feel things out and work harder on my brain/mouth control. I tend to say things before I think about them – something I do even when I am not drinking.

Anyway — life is good. Tomorrow is another day. Time to get some sleep.

July 2, 2008

another way in?

Filed under: Life, random — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:33 am

Somehow I managed to get on here at work – maybe they did something to the filter? Anyway – last night I argued with my mom.. nothing new. But we don’t argue, we discuss. I can agree with that… we usually come out of the “discussions” with some kind of insight so I don’t mind it. Even when I’m wrong.

July 2nd. My roommate paid me rent… on time… without me asking. So stoked about that. I’ve been listening to TONS of Third Eye Blind lately (my favorite band of all time). Every time I listen to them something inside of me just perks up … and I feel good…. so the constant 3eb has been theraputic.

The smog/fire smoke isn’t so bad lately so we’re getting the sun back. I love the sun and I think that if it was a few thousand years ago I would have definitely been a sun worshipper – I feel that way now with the energy brought out by the different types of weather…. I love energy and noticing energy and listening to it. It’s intense.

Life is pretty good. I like being alive. I keep warning people about the changing times a-comin’ but no one is really listening to me. I am way serious though. We’re headed for a huge major earth/social change very very soon (within 5 years). I can feel it….. and it’s already in motion – all over the world. My advice – STAY GROUNDED and you’ll be fine.  Money doesn’t matter when you don’t have food to eat.

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