talking to myself

August 5, 2008

yadseut

Why does this tuesday feel like a monday? How come every day feels like a monday? Like the cosmos and the universe has been telling me lately that time is standing still.

Each day, each thing that I do, I somehow don’t feel like it is making progress. Like… all this mumbo jumbo about change and progression of people and life … I had an interesting experience today that made me think…

So I went to a meeting with a guy today to hear a schpeal about some type of affiliate internet type buisness. It’s basically middle man work… but you can make some money if you put a decent amount of work into it. It’s something to do on the side. So he gives me this example of this guy – in his early 40’s apparently. He has visited every continent on the earth except for 1 (or so he told me) and he is completely independently wealthy through this online buisness. He used to be a school bus driver.
Okay so I think to myself …. this guy – traveling all around, seeing the world… what is that doing to positively affect the world? is he traveling around helping people? or just sight seeing? is he going to write a book about his travels.. to share his knowledge of what he learned? is he taking pictures to share…? Or is he just traveling around. This old school bus driver… using up air space, world space… “seeing” things. Is he becoming fully happy by seeing all these things in his life – and being able to be “free” and do what he wants?? is he studying something? Learning? So I ask myself… well… someone can be happy being a school bus driver. Does one have to travel the world, see what is out there… ? Does it really matter if all that you have from it is yourself? Perhaps this guy had some other motive… but who knows what that was. I really wondered about this school bus driver turned world traveler….And how many of those there are out there in the world – who just use their wealth to go “see” things.

What do you think??

August 1, 2008

the terminator

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 12:18 pm

So this whole budget thing and executive order that Arnold signed yesterday has put everyone around here in the office in a tissy! My job is barely hanging on – and I have been told that at any moment I could be unemployed.

It’s actually kind of exciting…..thinking that I wouldn’t have to go to work. I mean – I know that I would eventually – but I started pondering … and trying to come up with alternate ways to make money or how to survive off that last paycheck… and I found myself coming up with some interesting ideas which sparked my brain and now I kind of want to be unemployed (until my phone bill comes)….

It was akward to clean out my desk yesterday, say bye to everyone, turn in my badge…. and then … come back today. People seemed happy to see me though, and had work for me to do right away.

Today is a short day though – have to go set up for the dance party tonight. I am still sore from bootcamp and dancing all night last night, so I’ll probably just work the door until I get the urge and have to dance….which WILL happen.

The last dance party was on a thursday and we had 220 people – and we have been promoting the hell out of this thing ALL month long and it’s on a friday – so I can’t imagine how it’s going to turn out. Really excited.

July 7, 2008

the non-weekend….

I had a four day weekend .. and I hardly got to relax. I did it to myself though.

I do make all these decisions that aren’t really ‘good’ for me… my roommate told me that I choose to lose money on my shows. I told him that if choosing to lose money on my shows means that I value the band’s hard work in playing and pay them anyway – then yes, I do choose to lose money. But…. it’s not losing money… it’s an investment in the future of the music industry. In the future of bands making music and the future of entertainment of society. I know that I could have paid everyone 25 bucks and they probably would have been happy with just that – but I can’t in a clear conscience do that and take more money for myself. Even though I probably should in some circumstances…. maybe that’s what he was talking about? I don’t know… but it really irritated me.

I am trying to do something good here. I am trying to make a difference and a change and value people for the goodness of their existence. We are all here…. for whatever reason who knows, but I believe that everyone in their own way is important for some reason…. to themselves and to others. Money is nothing. So what if I gave the bands money out of my pocket, so what if I might be broke next month. So what? I will find a way to eat, I will find a way to get my rent paid. I mean…. money is just money. You can always make more money. IT ISN’T EASY. but….. it’s extremely possible….maybe I make things harder on myself because I don’t fear being broke becuase I am willing to work hard? I make things easier for other people who don’t want to work hard…?

Anyway… obviously whatever my roommate said got to me, but I just don’t like it when people question my motivations or try to explain to me that I am a glutton for punishment because I do these things to myself…. granted I SHOULD value myself more, but I am still on this way of thinking that I am here for other people… not for me. I have definitely gotten better at appreciating myself… but life is a learning experience and I think that we all figure out new things about each other and about ourselves every day… I mean… the “who are we” question is almost just as bad as the “what are we doing here”. I don’t try to really find myself too much anymore… because I’m always changing…. and people who don’t change and people who refuse to grow… well… ???

July 2, 2008

another way in?

Filed under: Life, random — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:33 am

Somehow I managed to get on here at work – maybe they did something to the filter? Anyway – last night I argued with my mom.. nothing new. But we don’t argue, we discuss. I can agree with that… we usually come out of the “discussions” with some kind of insight so I don’t mind it. Even when I’m wrong.

July 2nd. My roommate paid me rent… on time… without me asking. So stoked about that. I’ve been listening to TONS of Third Eye Blind lately (my favorite band of all time). Every time I listen to them something inside of me just perks up … and I feel good…. so the constant 3eb has been theraputic.

The smog/fire smoke isn’t so bad lately so we’re getting the sun back. I love the sun and I think that if it was a few thousand years ago I would have definitely been a sun worshipper – I feel that way now with the energy brought out by the different types of weather…. I love energy and noticing energy and listening to it. It’s intense.

Life is pretty good. I like being alive. I keep warning people about the changing times a-comin’ but no one is really listening to me. I am way serious though. We’re headed for a huge major earth/social change very very soon (within 5 years). I can feel it….. and it’s already in motion – all over the world. My advice – STAY GROUNDED and you’ll be fine.  Money doesn’t matter when you don’t have food to eat.

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