most of my posts…

So I was reading through my posts… and I’m realizing that they almost all have some kind of theme to them associated with change. Perhaps that is something that is always on my mind in some way or another. It’s something that my life revolves around.

I started to think about the way I live my life and the amount of change that has occured in my life due to myself wanting to please other people instead of what I want to do… and it always seems like I am unhappy the more that I focus on others needs because I always want to help those who feel like they don’t need help or want help so I get taken advantage of. So….onto more change… more change in the persuit of happiness.
It really doesn’t take much to make me happy. I like to think of myself as a pretty easy to please person. Small things make me happy. I can handle the big stuff on my own much easier – I just need help in between. Anyway – I love change.. that’s probably why I talk about it so much, because I find it so interesting. Not sure if anyone reading this finds it interesting.

On another note – since I started blogging… for some reason – I feel more confident in myself. It’s like – I get on here – put my thoughts out there … and then it’s out. I hold back a lot of myself sometimes worrying that anyone will get to know “the real me” – even though my friends will argue that they all know the real me, and that I am easy to figure out … Maybe I am?! I guess that isn’t really a bad thing.

This weekend should be cool – I am going out to another dance thing with MUST.NOT.DIE and then saturday I have an acoustic show at the java lounge and sunday another show at the upstairs. oh man I wish I actually made money on these shows sometimes.. it’s so much work!! I just keep telling myself to be patient. It has been over 10 years I have been doing shows and I think that finally it may be coming around …. but the music industry is so up and down.
Ah well – KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!!!

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Schmoozin’ and Boozin’

So I went to this “industry” party last night at a record studio. It was fun to get there and do the whole who’s who. To walk around giving everyone the head nod, the “HEY!!!!” and the subtle eye contact. Most people I knew, but there were a few I had the opportunity to meet and network with.
There was an open bar at the studio. Free beer…. free wine… and after everyone had left and it was just me and two of the bands, the owner, and maybe a few stragglers, they busted out the patron. THAT I could have done without.
I went to bed around 4 and woke up at 7. I am at work right now. Reeeeaaalllly loopy. Not sure loopy is the right word for it. HA! I just found out that my plans tonight are cancelled and oh man I have never been so excited about that in my entire life. So now I get to FINALLY relax before the huge party tomorrow night for my two dozenth birthday.
Work should be slow. Not much do to and I get to leave at noon. On a side note, but directly related to this post, the party last night was really really fun. It’s nice to hang out with people who really care about the scene and to converse with them…. talk about ideas and thoughts … and how we’re all in it together. It was very unifying…. really motivated me. It was a great night.
I had a fabulous time at dinner with Janice beforehand, and I wish I would have known they were going to have a smorgasboard of free food at this studio, but hey I did get out of there with some free wine and beer in my backpack. WOO.
All in all I give last night a 8.9 out of 10 stars.
Sweeeeet.

irritating morning…

So this morning was irritating. I woke up late and my roommate offered to give me a ride to work so I wouldn’t be late. That was very nice of him. However… it wasn’t exactly a smooth ride. I don’t know if he is going through stuff he doesn’t want to talk about, but I swear, I don’t think I can take any more criticism from him. It’s driving me up the wall… and I hardly even see the guy!!! It’s hard enough as it is to deal with life without someone every time you see them telling you all about how you’re messed up. Granted when he dropped me off he told me, “you’ll be fine”.. but who knows how I am supposed to take that.

I am just being a “girl” apparently and overthinking everything. Although when I am sitting here at work, without much to do – and no means to really promote (since all the music sites are blocked) – all I can really do is blog surf, listen to music from a CD or ipod, and think….and learn? I mean I do work too – I just don’t have enough stuff to keep me busy all day.
I did however, find out that my favorite band of all time, third eye blind is playing a show a little over an hour away from my town and I am really really stoked about it. I just need to find someone that wants to go now!!
Ugh. Okay I just have to listen to music and try to keep my mind from wandering all crazy.

the non-weekend….

I had a four day weekend .. and I hardly got to relax. I did it to myself though.

I do make all these decisions that aren’t really ‘good’ for me… my roommate told me that I choose to lose money on my shows. I told him that if choosing to lose money on my shows means that I value the band’s hard work in playing and pay them anyway – then yes, I do choose to lose money. But…. it’s not losing money… it’s an investment in the future of the music industry. In the future of bands making music and the future of entertainment of society. I know that I could have paid everyone 25 bucks and they probably would have been happy with just that – but I can’t in a clear conscience do that and take more money for myself. Even though I probably should in some circumstances…. maybe that’s what he was talking about? I don’t know… but it really irritated me.

I am trying to do something good here. I am trying to make a difference and a change and value people for the goodness of their existence. We are all here…. for whatever reason who knows, but I believe that everyone in their own way is important for some reason…. to themselves and to others. Money is nothing. So what if I gave the bands money out of my pocket, so what if I might be broke next month. So what? I will find a way to eat, I will find a way to get my rent paid. I mean…. money is just money. You can always make more money. IT ISN’T EASY. but….. it’s extremely possible….maybe I make things harder on myself because I don’t fear being broke becuase I am willing to work hard? I make things easier for other people who don’t want to work hard…?

Anyway… obviously whatever my roommate said got to me, but I just don’t like it when people question my motivations or try to explain to me that I am a glutton for punishment because I do these things to myself…. granted I SHOULD value myself more, but I am still on this way of thinking that I am here for other people… not for me. I have definitely gotten better at appreciating myself… but life is a learning experience and I think that we all figure out new things about each other and about ourselves every day… I mean… the “who are we” question is almost just as bad as the “what are we doing here”. I don’t try to really find myself too much anymore… because I’m always changing…. and people who don’t change and people who refuse to grow… well… ???

another way in?

Somehow I managed to get on here at work – maybe they did something to the filter? Anyway – last night I argued with my mom.. nothing new. But we don’t argue, we discuss. I can agree with that… we usually come out of the “discussions” with some kind of insight so I don’t mind it. Even when I’m wrong.

July 2nd. My roommate paid me rent… on time… without me asking. So stoked about that. I’ve been listening to TONS of Third Eye Blind lately (my favorite band of all time). Every time I listen to them something inside of me just perks up … and I feel good…. so the constant 3eb has been theraputic.

The smog/fire smoke isn’t so bad lately so we’re getting the sun back. I love the sun and I think that if it was a few thousand years ago I would have definitely been a sun worshipper – I feel that way now with the energy brought out by the different types of weather…. I love energy and noticing energy and listening to it. It’s intense.

Life is pretty good. I like being alive. I keep warning people about the changing times a-comin’ but no one is really listening to me. I am way serious though. We’re headed for a huge major earth/social change very very soon (within 5 years). I can feel it….. and it’s already in motion – all over the world. My advice – STAY GROUNDED and you’ll be fine.  Money doesn’t matter when you don’t have food to eat.