talking to myself

July 23, 2008

carrots, brussel sprouts and yogurt OH MY!

Okay so I have been going to the gym regularly lately and also trying to watch what I eat. I have been trying really hard to stick to vegetables, fruit, yogurt and salads – but it’s driving me crazy!! I don’t know how many more carrots my body can ingest. I mean, I love carrots, but I feel like I can taste carrots all day long.
I have lost inches, a few pounds and gained a ton of muscle, so I know it’s working. But it’s harder than I thought. I am looking forward to spoiling myself soon and just going all out and eating something crazy. I ate a cookie the other day and it actually hurt my stomache. Very odd. I am really enjoying this self control thing and just seeing how much I can hold myself back and control my impulses/emotions/life. I am usually much more of a push-over, but I can feel a major change this past year. The first 5 months sucked so bad, but now everything seems to be clearing up. I am experiencing things that I have never in my entire life experienced and feeling emotions that I didn’t know exsisted! New emotions mind boggle me, and as soon as that happens I try to instantaeously figure them out (what they do to me) and what brought them on and identify the feeling for future reference. Kind of like a “feeling bank” where I put everything. I am usually very good when I already know a feeling to control it, but when something is new, it completely blindsides me. There have been a lot of new things lately so it’s been interesting to sort through and figure things out.
Ugh my tummy kind of hurts. Maybe all those carrots aren’t such a good idea. Is it possible to overdose on carrots?
Anyway – things are good. Just busy busy busy as usual. This week I have really lost track of time and seeing that it’s wednesday already – I don’t have much time to get things ready for my shows this weekend.
I am still motivated, optimistic and excited for the future. Grounded.

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July 8, 2008

apocolyptic dream

So I had this dream last night – and I have been thinking that my life has more purpose to it than I know… and I know it was just a dream, but it really seemed to be an affirmation more than anything.

There was this huge catastrophe in the world – a massive flood, think noah’s ark kind of flood… and there were a group of us who were on some high rise buildings… there were these waves coming in and everyone kept thinking that each wave was going to be the one that was going to take us out. For some reason I knew which wave was going to be the one… so I started trying to band everyone together and tell them to calm down and stop freaking out because that wave wasn’t the one that was going to be it. I just had this overwhelming feeling of responsibility and calmness. I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to save anyone – but it was more like I didn’t want everyone to be going all crazy on their last moments on earth. I know it’s a silly dream, but I do have this feeling that something is going to happen in the world and I am going to have some type of integral role in something… somewhere… somehow. It probably sounds crazy and my mom tells me that it’s a nutso thing to think… but I really feel it!!!!!!!

So yea… that was interesting.

Even though I slept last night, I am still exhausted. Exhausted but happy. The July optimism is working! WOOO! Thank goodness!

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