talking to myself

December 12, 2011

something new

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 3:58 pm

I haven’t posted on here in a really long time – there are so many things that have changed and a lot of things that haven’t changed. I read through my previous posts and can obviously sense the unhappiness and angst in the posts… a lot of that is sort of still underlying but I seem to be doing a better job of coping with it. My life hasn’t turned out how I imagined , actually nothing has been working out as I imagined lately…but… I am alright. Having a place to stay, some occasional work, my friends, my boyfriend and my own freedom has been a huge factor in trying to consider the things I am thankful for… and not let myself get into a rut. It is easy to do though. It is easy to get unmotivated and it is easy to feel like nothing is working out… so I just have to be constantly fighting those feelings of wanting to give up. It’s so strange… I never had those feelings before – I was always motivated, always doing something, always busy. I am not really like that anymore. The thought of being super busy makes me tired just thinking about it. I used to love being busy. Maybe I still do? I haven’t been consistently busy in a long time. I have had busy days don’t get me wrong, but never been busy overall. I notice myself saying a lot, “just trying to keep busy”…but I wonder what that actually means?
What if I said, “oh just relaxing, taking it easy”…. I guess the second one definitely has a more positive ring to it. I enjoy being alive, but it is hard to find much happiness in things as if I build myself up and get let down so I don’t build myself up anymore. I overthink… and overthink and overthink. I am having a good day today, except that I am sort of overthinking and just trying to motivate myself. Guess I should get started on something?

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July 7, 2008

the non-weekend….

I had a four day weekend .. and I hardly got to relax. I did it to myself though.

I do make all these decisions that aren’t really ‘good’ for me… my roommate told me that I choose to lose money on my shows. I told him that if choosing to lose money on my shows means that I value the band’s hard work in playing and pay them anyway – then yes, I do choose to lose money. But…. it’s not losing money… it’s an investment in the future of the music industry. In the future of bands making music and the future of entertainment of society. I know that I could have paid everyone 25 bucks and they probably would have been happy with just that – but I can’t in a clear conscience do that and take more money for myself. Even though I probably should in some circumstances…. maybe that’s what he was talking about? I don’t know… but it really irritated me.

I am trying to do something good here. I am trying to make a difference and a change and value people for the goodness of their existence. We are all here…. for whatever reason who knows, but I believe that everyone in their own way is important for some reason…. to themselves and to others. Money is nothing. So what if I gave the bands money out of my pocket, so what if I might be broke next month. So what? I will find a way to eat, I will find a way to get my rent paid. I mean…. money is just money. You can always make more money. IT ISN’T EASY. but….. it’s extremely possible….maybe I make things harder on myself because I don’t fear being broke becuase I am willing to work hard? I make things easier for other people who don’t want to work hard…?

Anyway… obviously whatever my roommate said got to me, but I just don’t like it when people question my motivations or try to explain to me that I am a glutton for punishment because I do these things to myself…. granted I SHOULD value myself more, but I am still on this way of thinking that I am here for other people… not for me. I have definitely gotten better at appreciating myself… but life is a learning experience and I think that we all figure out new things about each other and about ourselves every day… I mean… the “who are we” question is almost just as bad as the “what are we doing here”. I don’t try to really find myself too much anymore… because I’m always changing…. and people who don’t change and people who refuse to grow… well… ???

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