talking to myself

April 8, 2013

Overwhelmed

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 9:32 am

It’s been a while since i wrote anything on here… Last night I sort of had some very weak moments… I drank too much, I got emotional, I cried a bunch. Now I am at work. My  mind is all over the place and it is hard to focus. I think if I write this out maybe it will help me to get my mind off of last night. I didn’t want to have expectations… I wanted to have a fun night… yet it wasn’t exactly that. I am still trying to figure out what was going on with my emotions and what I was expressing. I felt very vulnerable… while Joe was comforting and sweet – and there for me… something about it.. it just felt different.. My heart didn’t really feel in it… or maybe it was just cause I was drunk. I should have known where it was heading when I started getting anxiety about picking him up… that I was going to get emotional. I should have restrained myself from drinking so much …but can’t change that now. I did like having him around… it just had been so long since we had spent any time together, maybe I felt pathetic. I was over-thinking all day. Now I am probably over-thinking too. I need to focus on work. I wish I didn’t have to be here right now. I don’t feel well. My body is tired and my mind is just all over the place. I still don’t have my car – it has been at the shop since Friday morning. Maybe I will go home at lunch…maybe my car will be ready by lunchtime and I can go pick it up and go home :-\  bleh…I don’t even know. I would love to be able to process whatever these emotions are that I have… I don’t even know what they are right now. 

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January 2, 2013

not again….

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 7:38 pm

It is true. if it is this hard now… is it really going to get easier??!!

After over a year – he still dismisses my feelings and won’t man up to his behavior. 

He acknowledges that what he is doing is “not fair” and/or “not right” to me….yet he still does it. I just can’t imagine what the future may bring, and not in a good way 😦

My hope for a future has dwindled down to nothing. I don’t know if he is capable of stepping up to the plate and raising his own bar. Raising his own bar so that he can change his behavior for the better.

I can’t force anyone to do anything… and somehow I run into this problem all the time. I need to stay calm and just give him space to think….actually to give ME space to think. It does come down to him being dismissive….but I don’t think he is in the right frame of mind. 

He wants his cake and eat it too. All I write about is how HE is feeling… I should write about how I am feeling.

I feel used, taken for granted and under-appreciated… I feel like a fly on the wall, I feel like I am not important…. I feel like #28475893 on his list. I am angry that I didn’t get a new years kiss again. 

You can’t get back time…. you can never get back moments. I am angry for missing a new years kiss with ANYONE. It is a fun tradition and I missed it. 

I am so angry for him not being what I want him to be… oh… wait… um… I am angry that… uh… I am angry because I want to be picked up from work on time, because I want a boyfriend that wants to cuddle and lay with me.

I am frustrated with my own inability to stick to what I say… to stick to my boundaries when I set them. I am mad that I allow myself to be molded and shaped by how he wants to treat me instead of sticking to what I know is right. 

I am angry that I have compromised my own wants and needs for him. It makes me resent him… even though HE didn’t do anything. That is exactly the case. He hasn’t done anything. My resentment comes from me being angry that I can’t just say NO. That I can’t just deal with the situation in a rational manner. That I allow a MAN to have that much control over me and my decisions.

I am angry at the situation – he just happens to be the focus…because it is in my face.

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy what I enjoy without letting someone else bring me down.. it is a vicious cycle. I want a partner who enjoys doing the same things I do… so that is why I take offense to him not joining me in activities I would enjoy. I am frustrated that I don’t have more accountability for why I feel the way I do… and it is true.. I am the only one making myself feel this way…BUT that doesn’t excuse him to treat me however he wants. 

This is interesting.

June 29, 2012

density

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 1:11 pm

The density of matter is what makes it more or less malleable… able to adapt to its surroundings or environment.. to change shape… 

What about dense people? They are stuck. So absorbed in themselves that they fail to see the other side of anything. They fail to see (or care) about any other agenda.

A simple, “how was your day” would be nice. A simple, “good morning” would be nice. 

Small, simple things that mean more than anything. It is NOT complicated. There isn’t more to it, it goes back to just…. be nice. Give respect and courtesy to all people. Family, friends…most strangers. 

I find myself in the same position I was a year ago and I guess I am finding myself in the same predicament… to move on or hang on? 

It is hard. Hard to think that the cycles of my life have brought me back to the same place. It may be the same place but I feel different. It doesn’t make it easier. I want to believe that I am seeing things wrong, I want to believe that my perceptions are skewed and that the reality of the situation is something different than what I think I am seeing. I want to believe that

Am I trying to force myself into something again? Am I pushing things? I don’t understand the “distance” thing. I never have. Wanting to be with someone but then pushing them away – but keeping them just close enough to get back if you want to. I feel like a fish on a REALLY long line. Sometimes the line gets pulled in tight and sometimes the line goes all the way out to sea 😦 

Maybe I am struggling? I don’t feel like I am putting up a fight. What happens to a fish that doesn’t struggle? It’s no fun to catch. Perhaps that is the problem. I am too easy. Too easy to reel in … 

It’s all one big game. But isn’t life just one big game anyway? Should I be concerned? Should I stop worrying and thinking about it? Should I stop noticing little things ??

This is ridiculous. I deserve to be treated like I am special, because I am. I want to feel like my boyfriend is MY BOYFRIEND. Just because he “isn’t feeling it” that day – doesn’t mean he can treat me differently day to day. That’s exactly what is going on. Whatever inner turmoil is going on with him, he wants me but he doesn’t???? I don’t know. Too much thinking about this stupid crap.

I am tired. I am tired of all of it. I am exhausted. I can’t tell if I am happy or not. I suppose I am in the same boat then. I am basing my happiness too much off getting positive attention from my boyfriend…but what the hell is the point of a boyfriend if they hardly kiss you, don’t like to cuddle….

I read an interesting article: http://primal-page.com/cuddle.htm

This put some things into perspective…. it’s just not easy 😦  

 

February 4, 2012

I don’t know how I feel about this “love” thing…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , — crazygina @ 11:28 pm

I want it. I want to feel it, but I really don’t want to at the same time.  It is scary for someone you love to tell you that your love is temporary. That they know your love won’t last, or that love in general doesn’t last. That real love, real friendship or real honesty just doesn’t exist. I want to have faith in something more. I want to have faith in love and in a lasting relationship… it’s so hard when the other person is so sure that it won’t last. … because everything in life ends. That may be true, but why talk about it… why bring it up. Of course we all will die eventually… but you don’t need to remind me!! Why tell someone when they say they love you, “well you feel that way now..”. It may be true, maybe my feelings will change.. but why would I ever ever want to imagine myself without the feeling or the love that I feel at this moment. Perhaps it is to protect yourself or somehow protect me… but it hurts. It really hurts… and that sucks. 😦

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