talking to myself

October 11, 2013

Chasing

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 9:35 pm

I spend my whole life chasing what I want. Chasing. Tenacious they say, motivated they say, a go-getter. I am just a chaser. Chasing everything, keep moving forward, not looking back. Sometimes I do look back… but I never want to go back. Pursue, chase, pulling and pushing.. seeing things in fast motion, slow down. I literally chased my dad. Literally.

No wonder I run after love, no wonder I am scared to let it come to me. I have no experience with the latter. Very minimal experience to back up the latter. When I think I have something I cling to it… because I am scared of losing it, but when I lose something.. I am okay. So what am I scared of? Not being love? But.. I am loved.

We’re never alone. We are all connected. We are all one. Not being loved romantically? That is what I am scared of. It has to be.. and I cling to it because I never had it stick around. I want it for whatever time frame that I can have it. I don’t get the longevity.. or not to feel like I have to cling to something, begging, desperate, alone.

At the same time, I am so overwhelmed with joy sometimes I take it all in and somehow for a little while it fills that void. This void of love from a man, that attention – not just the love I have to be doing something – that if I don’t do these things I won’t have the attention. My mom would chase/cling to men too. There has to be a way to change this behavior. It isn’t healthy to feel like you have to cling to someone and beg and chase someone around to get them to like you or want you. Our lives pass by, the days pass quickly.

We go about our days and have experiences and we forget about past experiences or we create and pursue other experiences. We create our realities. We are all here together and we are all connected. Each day passes, another day arrives and time keeps passing. The clock keeps ticking. Another moment arrives, another moment has passed. Lift for it but patience, every moment is a new possibility. Every day brings new possibilities. To stop. To be. To let yourself be. To not chase myself around.

January 10, 2013

I see the light

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 12:36 pm

I have discovered a program by Rori Raye… called Love Scripts for Relationships. It has changed my life. Literally. It has given me the insight to see how my actions have been perpetuating this constant cycle of miscommunication and arguing… and has helped me to dig deeper into my actions and dig deeper into my feelings. 

It makes me THINK about what I want to convey before I speak. It makes me stop myself before I speak… and decide, am I saying what i want to say?

I am blown away at change that has happened in our relationship just in the past week. It is fascinating and I feel free. I feel good!! 

By following her four rules:

1. don’t try to control your man

2. don’t try to control the outcome

3 stop yourself before you criticize, advice, judge, warn, coax, suggest or complain

4. learn to take no for an answer

—-

It makes you really think about it… and what you are really feeling.

January 3, 2013

exhausted

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 3:22 pm

So I give him an ultimatum that he needs to MAKE TIME for me and what does he do? He tells me that I am rude and dismissive of his feelings….. 

He is TRYING to fight with me. I really don’t care about your friends computer or the components he put in it, or what he made it out of blah blah .. blah blh blah blh blah blah blah blah blah blah… I am on my work break at lunch.. I already listened to all his other ideas… so ..,. not only instead of being more loving and caring to show me that he cares, he FIGHTS with me.  HE FIGHTS WITH ME. 

I don’t know what that means and frankly I don’t care. He said i was being rude .. he says I tell him to “shut-up”… I have never told him to shut up ever. It isn’t fair… he is accusing me of being all these things that I am not. There is NO way to tell him I am not interested in what he has to say. He takes it SO personal. He thinks that just because I don’t happen to be interested in a certain topic that I am NOT INTERESTED IN HIM or what he has to say. 

It is totally irrational. Being not interested in a topic DOES NOT mean that I am not interested in him…but I can’t sit and listen to him go on and on and on about something. 

I can’t believe he turned this around on me.. he is so manipulative .. he is finding a way to make ME in the wrong so I feel bad .. instead of acknowledging that HE is in the wrong. He hardly ever acknowledges he is in the wrong. 

I will say right off the bat if I am being rude. I may have been rude to him, but can he seriously not handle even a little bit of someone being rude?! Why does everything all the time have to be perfect?! I am not allowed to get irritated or angry or anything like that. AAARRGGGAAAHHH!!!!

 

 

March 27, 2012

always questioning

Filed under: health, Life, Venting — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 5:34 pm

I am not sure why it is that I am always questioning everything. Questioning my motives, questioning other peoples motives, questioning my decisions, questioning other peoples decisions. Wondering, striving to know more, wanting to see all sides of things… this just doesn’t get easier does it? I find myself more and more each day wondering what I am supposed to be doing. Wondering how to live my life and wondering what I am doing right or wrong… and why I even think of things as right or wrong…. there are many different ways to live and different ways to do things. ..sure some may be more efficient, some may be considered “better” by other people, but what if it isn’t “better” to me? People can be stubborn. I am stubborn. I like to enjoy and do things and take my time, I like to relax, I don’t like to be anxious. The past couple weeks have been so anxiety ridden that I have had a hard time functioning. My brain is on overload, my emotions are on overload and I feel like crying at least once a day. I don’t know how to make myself happy.. even with happy things going on. I have felt depressed… but this feels different… or maybe when I was depressed before it wasn’t actually depression and this is? I want to be happy. I want to do things I want to do. I want to follow through and be a person of integrity and strong moral character. I don’t like killing spiders. I don’t know why I take it to such a level that I find a moral problem with killing a spider…and before it was killed I wanted to take it and put on the other side of the fence or in the tree or something and instead it was smashed…then I was told “what you want to fight about me killing a spider? It is  a spider, get over it”… and I said .. “It didn’t do anything! Why did you have to kill it?” and the response, “I don’t like spiders”.. .. “but spiders are good”… “I know..” .. “Then why did you kill it?” … “You really want to fight about this?”… And… I take it to the level that this person is being inconsiderate and rude and not listening… and just wanting to get their way. Granted that is sort of what I wanted too, but I am tired to giving in. I am just so exhausted. I finally got a job and I can barely be happy about it because I am so frustrated and confused. I find myself multiple times a day wanting to crawl into a hole or just sleep or go away or something. Am I letting someone else have too much influence in my actions? Probably. Am I having to constantly think about my actions and words so to not upset someone else? Probably. Is this healthy? Maybe. Maybe not. Am I overthinking? Maybe. Should I keep worrying about it? Probably not. The days are going to go by. The time will go by. Things will happen, and more things will happen. I am a planner. I like planning, I like having lists, I like being productive. I have to do that. I am starting a job soon. That will give me structure and help me with my desire to plan and be productive. I am overwhelmed. All the time. I am with someone and I still feel lonely. I felt this way in my last relationship. Maybe I just have some sort of lonely problem. Some woe is me issue. Some type of “pay attention to me” issue? I don’t know. I just feel crappy today. I still haven’t been to the gym in over a week, and it’s raining. I can make excuses today but what about tomorrow????

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