talking to myself

August 22, 2008

it doesn’t make sense….

Filed under: Life, people — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 4:22 pm

I would understand if there was something really bad that I was doing… like taking tons of drugs, throwing my money away, getting drunk every night, not taking care of my health, anorexic, being suicidal or something like that, which was detremental to my well being… but well… I’m not.

Going out and partying … and drinking and/or hooking up sometimes with people as a single 24 year old in this world.. I don’t really think is that much of a bad thing. At least not enough for someone to berate you and tell you that you need to “grow up”…. especially someone with a college degree, my own apartment and my own buisness.

We only live once. We get the chance to meet new people – have new experiences – have a good time – HAVE FUN – enjoy life. I have my entire life to grow up….and even then… I’m not making any promises.

I really really don’t see my behavior worthy of intervention, especially when the behavior is partially instigated by someone else.

When I think back to some of the times I did bring people home – a few times it was just to piss off my roommate because I was mad at him… and then he reams into me for doing it – so obviously it worked to piss him off but it just makes him talk shit…. didn’t really serve it’s purpose too well.

Anyway – I will live my life how I want to – do what I want to – I don’t live with my parents or my brother and I don’t want to deal with a roommate that is going to make me feel like I am living with my parents. I moved out when I was 15 so I could live how I want.

Hopefully this weekend is relatively chill. I am looking forward to just getting all this crap out of my system and actually having a conversation with my roommate instead of an argument. If he wants to continue to cut into me – fine. I will be a ball of steel. I am just pissed he keeps putting me through this. You know what they say though – misery loves company.

I am happy. I am enjoying life. I am getting a new job. I get a 2 week vacation or so – I have to reschedule my shows – but overall things are okay. I have had to deal with show drama before so this is nothing I can’t handle.

Just like life. Bring it on.

State Fair tomorrow. Wine slushies, overpriced food, good people, exhibits…. YYYYYYYeeesssss!!!!!

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July 10, 2008

irritating morning…

Filed under: Life, random, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:48 am

So this morning was irritating. I woke up late and my roommate offered to give me a ride to work so I wouldn’t be late. That was very nice of him. However… it wasn’t exactly a smooth ride. I don’t know if he is going through stuff he doesn’t want to talk about, but I swear, I don’t think I can take any more criticism from him. It’s driving me up the wall… and I hardly even see the guy!!! It’s hard enough as it is to deal with life without someone every time you see them telling you all about how you’re messed up. Granted when he dropped me off he told me, “you’ll be fine”.. but who knows how I am supposed to take that.

I am just being a “girl” apparently and overthinking everything. Although when I am sitting here at work, without much to do – and no means to really promote (since all the music sites are blocked) – all I can really do is blog surf, listen to music from a CD or ipod, and think….and learn? I mean I do work too – I just don’t have enough stuff to keep me busy all day.
I did however, find out that my favorite band of all time, third eye blind is playing a show a little over an hour away from my town and I am really really stoked about it. I just need to find someone that wants to go now!!
Ugh. Okay I just have to listen to music and try to keep my mind from wandering all crazy.

July 7, 2008

the non-weekend….

I had a four day weekend .. and I hardly got to relax. I did it to myself though.

I do make all these decisions that aren’t really ‘good’ for me… my roommate told me that I choose to lose money on my shows. I told him that if choosing to lose money on my shows means that I value the band’s hard work in playing and pay them anyway – then yes, I do choose to lose money. But…. it’s not losing money… it’s an investment in the future of the music industry. In the future of bands making music and the future of entertainment of society. I know that I could have paid everyone 25 bucks and they probably would have been happy with just that – but I can’t in a clear conscience do that and take more money for myself. Even though I probably should in some circumstances…. maybe that’s what he was talking about? I don’t know… but it really irritated me.

I am trying to do something good here. I am trying to make a difference and a change and value people for the goodness of their existence. We are all here…. for whatever reason who knows, but I believe that everyone in their own way is important for some reason…. to themselves and to others. Money is nothing. So what if I gave the bands money out of my pocket, so what if I might be broke next month. So what? I will find a way to eat, I will find a way to get my rent paid. I mean…. money is just money. You can always make more money. IT ISN’T EASY. but….. it’s extremely possible….maybe I make things harder on myself because I don’t fear being broke becuase I am willing to work hard? I make things easier for other people who don’t want to work hard…?

Anyway… obviously whatever my roommate said got to me, but I just don’t like it when people question my motivations or try to explain to me that I am a glutton for punishment because I do these things to myself…. granted I SHOULD value myself more, but I am still on this way of thinking that I am here for other people… not for me. I have definitely gotten better at appreciating myself… but life is a learning experience and I think that we all figure out new things about each other and about ourselves every day… I mean… the “who are we” question is almost just as bad as the “what are we doing here”. I don’t try to really find myself too much anymore… because I’m always changing…. and people who don’t change and people who refuse to grow… well… ???

July 2, 2008

another way in?

Filed under: Life, random — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:33 am

Somehow I managed to get on here at work – maybe they did something to the filter? Anyway – last night I argued with my mom.. nothing new. But we don’t argue, we discuss. I can agree with that… we usually come out of the “discussions” with some kind of insight so I don’t mind it. Even when I’m wrong.

July 2nd. My roommate paid me rent… on time… without me asking. So stoked about that. I’ve been listening to TONS of Third Eye Blind lately (my favorite band of all time). Every time I listen to them something inside of me just perks up … and I feel good…. so the constant 3eb has been theraputic.

The smog/fire smoke isn’t so bad lately so we’re getting the sun back. I love the sun and I think that if it was a few thousand years ago I would have definitely been a sun worshipper – I feel that way now with the energy brought out by the different types of weather…. I love energy and noticing energy and listening to it. It’s intense.

Life is pretty good. I like being alive. I keep warning people about the changing times a-comin’ but no one is really listening to me. I am way serious though. We’re headed for a huge major earth/social change very very soon (within 5 years). I can feel it….. and it’s already in motion – all over the world. My advice – STAY GROUNDED and you’ll be fine.  Money doesn’t matter when you don’t have food to eat.

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