talking to myself

August 18, 2008

alive

Filed under: Life, people, random, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 3:42 pm

So – this weekend and these past few days have been interesting.

I feel like a broken record the way I recount my experiences, and I don’t know exactly what to do differently.

I don’t feel like there is anything I am doing wrong – at least not to me – but when people don’t get what they want…. and you have the power to give it to them – they get angry. Angry, hurtful, personal… selfish.

I am not a selfish type of person – but people who accuse me and make me feel like I am being selfish because they are not getting what they want out of me angers me …. and it makes my attitude towards them change. Then, I do become selfish.

I will not “give in” to anyone who makes me feel like I am doing too much for myself…. because I only just recently adapted a new outlook on being more in tune with myself than letting my decisions be completely based off of other people and what they want.

Now… I’m doing what I want.

It’s hard. I don’t like it. I keep telling myself I will be happier in the end, and that all the strife and the hurting that has happened in the past due to constantly giving in is worse than whatever I am feeling now.. which I can’t exactly put my finger on. And if I give in… then I am going right back to the way things always were, and there’s no change or progress.

On a completely different note than the one that is the tone of today’s blog .. I bought my third eye blind tickets today. Excited about that….but even then… not too stoked because I feel so bogged down by everything else.

The stress is making my stomache have massive freak outs.

I took too much relora trying to calm myself down and it’s taking days to get it all out of my system – my pee is still neon green after 2 days (sorry for the TMI).

Anyway – this is my last week of work. I better make use of the time that I have here… even if it is a short while. I am glad it’s already almost 3. The time is whizzin by.

I was slightly dissapointed with the turnout last night at the show – but the bands still did a great job. I was stoked that The Hoods busted out a suprise set. Crazy.

August 7, 2008

relora

Filed under: health, Life — Tags: , , , , , , — crazygina @ 5:00 pm

So there is this awesome herbal supplement called Relora that has since been discontinued from my favorite Vitamin store – Vitamin World (my disneyland of health…yaaayyy!!) – and they had them all on sale for like, 3 bucks a bottle so I bought them. All of them.

They are marketed as a weight loss supplement – but… it’s weight loss that is related to stress… so it’s more of a stress reducer. They say to take 1 pill 3 times a day. However, I have learned that if I am crazy stressed or having a terrible day – or in some kind of panic attack … that I can take 3 at one time and it basically chills me out. I stop freaking out and relax. Now… I didn’t find this out by ‘experimenting’ with it.. I just noticed one time when I took two because I forgot to take one that the effects were greater.

I only take it when I am feeling particularly stressed. You can find more information on it here: Relora book

Anyway – I like it. It’s natural herbs so I don’t feel like I am putting anything synthetic into my body. Woo!

This weekend I don’t have any shows (that I am putting on at least) – I think it’s the first weekend in over a month that I actually don’t have a show. YAY! I still have to work at the boardwalk tomorrow night and run the light board but that’s relatively stress free 🙂

Yeeessss!!

August 6, 2008

dance it off…

Filed under: existence, Life, people, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 3:15 pm

So I have been really stressed lately – and yesterday I was a ball of rage. Walking down the street with the look of death in my eyes ready to spring on anyone that disagreed or even anyone who wanted to engage in human interaction with me. It wasn’t really pretty. I am suprised I actually went to lunch with Sarah and didn’t blow up on her.

I wanted to go home from work and go to the gym and work out until I passed out so I could release some of this stress and hopefully make myself feel better…. and I got home – and did get to go to the gym – and I pushed myself but not as hard as I probably could have. I still had energy when I got home – it’s hard to wear myself out…. anyway so I remembered that my friend Eve said she wanted to go out to Old I and dance – so I wound up meeting up with her but she didn’t even get to my apartment until 11. The she drove all the way out to roseville to get Colin and we went out.

It felt really good to get out and not be working and just dance and see people that I knew yelling my name as I walked up hahahaha, I feel like such a celebrity when people do that. It’s awesome. 🙂 For some reason other people enjoy yelling my name… ?

This whole losing my “student” job thing is killing me. I keep wondering what the hell I am going to do with myself and I want to get a job .. but I dont know where – I don’t know what kind of job – it’s just a big change… HUGE change. I just want to focus on my shows….

So I got to dance off all the stress…and it WORKED! This morning I didn’t feel like waking up and coming into work so I slept in…..I rolled out of bed around 10:30 and then strolled in…. come to find out my boss isn’t even here (again!). It is really really hard to be motivated to come into work knowing that I only have 2 more weeks here…. with hardly anything to do. Not only that – unemployment sent me a thing saying that I am eligible for unemployment – so I just want to stop working now and start getting unemployment …. then I can do my shows and work on promoting all day instead of coming in here! *sigh*

Well – se la vie. I will continue to push forward. Do what I need to do…. work hard and try very hard not to get in a rut and become pessimistic or get in a “hate the world” attitude. But it’s really tough these days. Real tough.

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