talking to myself

December 24, 2012

feeling weak

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 12:21 pm

I feel weak. I feel like I let myself down. I feel used and manipulated. 

I know that I can’t change the past, I can only change my future. At the same time.. I know that addiction can turn people into someone they are not….without even realizing how his actions may be affecting others. I am upset at myself but… I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for giving in and driving him to the dealers house. We all have moments of weakness and it sounds like we both were having one. I plan to keep myself in check and next time I will be stronger. I will be able to say NO…and saying NO does not mean I don’t love him or care about him no matter what he says… drugs will make people say anything.

I am a smart person. I am a loving giving caring person. I need to be VERY clear with him on what my boundaries are and I need to stick to them. If refusing to take him to get drugs means he won’t be with me, then he needs to find someone who will…because I won’t do that anymore. 

I promise myself that I won’t do it ever again. No matter how much he guilts me or gets upset. I will not hold it against him now…what’s done is done. I will just know for myself and for the future. 

July 18, 2008

FUCK!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost my phone. My lifeline. I have a fucking show tonight and no way to contact anyone. No way to find out if my sound guys are gonna show up on time, no way to find out who the opening band is because a band dropped off yesterday….. no way to know if the bands are going to be late. Shit shit shit. Normally I wouldn’t be so worried about losing my phone – but it is a show day. On show days, a phone is important.

FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

I don’t want to do anything today – I want to go home and lay in my bed and sleep and think about life (maybe go to the gym?). My roommate always knows what to say to me to make me think anyway – he said some things to me this morning again, in the vein of that I am slutty and have no respect for myself or him…and that he shouldn’t care about me if I don’t care about him. We have this crazy brother sister type relationship…. it’s really odd. I understand where he is coming from – and I probably have done slutty things for sure, but I do have respect for myself and for him and his girlfriend. Ah well – I should be telling him this not blogging it. Maybe I should just amend my timesheet and go home. Fuck. I need to wait until 3 when the place I hope my phone is opens, its right by my work….. so I can’t really go home.
Why do I make all these damn flyers and then the fucking bands drop off ??? Okay I am just venting now. Shit.
This is going to be a loooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg day. I’m cold. This building is cold.
I can’t wait for tomorrow so that I can just chill the fuck out. because I have a show sunday too. …

once again.

Fuck.

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