talking to myself

December 17, 2011

What can I do?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , — crazygina @ 6:12 pm

What can I do? I am not really sure. I am stubborn. I want to finish what I start. I guess I should be appreciative when someone else steps in to help, but when I become frustrated and someone comes in and says, “here, you are getting frustrated… let me take over.. don’t worry about it.” It makes me MORE frustrated. It is hard for me to let things go that I have become frustrated or worked up about. I need to do some meditating. My heart is racing and I could feel myself getting angry and worked up. Because I didn’t want to stop working on something that I started.

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October 12, 2008

AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 2:57 pm

So – I am sitting at my apartment – looking around it. Thinking about what I should be doing today…. cleaning my room … dishes… packing for the salton sea trip.

I spent the weekend with my friend Jenn and that was a blast. It helped me to escape from reality a little bit. I fell off my rocker last night though at the bar – don’t remember the latter half of the night – but sources confirm that I was just smashed. I didn’t do anything that I should be disappointed about so that’s good.. I mean, besides actually being drunk. I shouldn’t have taken shots… that just put me over, but patron is sssssoooooo good.

Anyway – back to my reflection…. so I am pondering all these things I should be doing … and it’s just like the motivation isn’t there… I still believe that I am in a mild state of depression. That is such an odd feeling for us to have isn’t it? Some people are so willing to feel depression but less willing to feel love… it’s like – depression is more concrete. We have defined it with chemicals and science….but.. it’s a feeling. Just like love. We can’t take an emotion – like depression … and scientize it .. it doesn’t work, that’s like making a pill to fix people who are in love – crazed obsession type love. If they can give you a happy pill to “fix” your feeling – then why can’t they give you a pill to “fix” love? Emotions rule our lives…

and speaking of emotions…. I’m still not feeling many. Although I do have to say that it really was great to see Jon yesterday. I miss him a lot. This year has been rough for a lot of people and I actually felt positive to talk to him a little bit. He has been a friend for a very long time….

Back to “life”. I need to take a nap today – I feel hungover. ha. How’s that for feeling?

I always figure everything out. I always get by. I know that this won’t be any different. At least I have that in my mind. I just don’t know where to go with it.

My attention span is like that of a gnat.

Where am I going with this? Who knows. This blog is like my life. All over the place. AAHH!!!!

August 12, 2008

I like being busy

Filed under: existence, health, Life, random — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 4:36 pm

I know that I like to be busy. I like to have things to do – and feel like I am making some kind of progress. If I don’t… I get depressed and feel meaningless.

Right now – I have a lot to do so it justifies my existence. Then when I say that I need a break – does that mean I can’t handle all the work like I think I can?

It’s just all the shows. I can’t let them overwhelm me. I look at my calendar and when I actually mentally process all the things that I am doing – I get anxious. So I have to just keep going and keep doing it and not think about it.

All the steps are coming together. I can’t believe we got approved for another dance party. I really didn’t think that would happen. That’s pretty freakin cool. So now more things to prepare for. I bought a 12 foot banner to put outside of the venue too – so I am pretty stoked about that. It’s a digitally printed banner… I kind of wanted the vinyl lettering, but digital works – its cheaper… and you’ll still be able to see it from the street and that’s what’s important.

I get to go in and put the lights up tomorrow – I am excited but at the same time nervous about putting something in there that’s somewhat permanent. We have a lot going on though – so I might as well…I have something around 15 shows coming up not including the dance party.

It’s exciting!!!!

I get to record my stairway band on thursday – I can’t believe how fast the whole thing is over … this summer went so fast!

I tried to work myself out yesterday to where I would be sore today – but it didn’t work. I will have to try again today. I did do a decent amount of running – almost 3 miles non-stop… and I didn’t slow down – I guess the crappy part of gaining stamina is that you have to work out harder and longer….

I keep waking up super early and my body is like, okay time to wake up – but I don’t want to so I force myself to go back to sleep and then I wind up being more tired than if I would have just gotten myself up earlier. I think that next time I wake up – I should just get up. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to see if I have more energy during the day….

Alright I’m done.

August 4, 2008

what weekend?

I was in a serious mood all weekend. At the dance party I was at the door all night – didn’t drink, didn’t dance. Nothing. Just worked at the door – and thank goodness for Ryan and Emily – who, without, I would have never been able to run the door in any kind of sane fashion.

Then Saturday I got up – went to bootcamp … then worked on some stuff at home – bought a few groceries – and then went to the movies with a friend. Saw the new Batman movie. I thought the whole thing was one giant action scene and the dialog was TERRIBLE. Now… granted the dialog doesn’t have to be the best thing in the world – but come on people. The action scenes were pretty bad ass though I will have to give them that. Overall I was kind of impressed, I wouldn’t have really gone out of my way to see it if I knew what it would have been like – maybe I should see it again? Sometimes the second time around I like movies better. We also missed the very beginning of the movie and I think that really bothered me throughout the whole thing. Just because I learned so much about movie beginnings in college and how important they are to the story. Eh. Maybe I will go see it again.
after the movie I went to a few bars and my roommate was out with his girlfriend and he was drunk. I ran into a bunch of people that I knew – and attempted to go to a dance party – but I didn’t drink and it was really late already so I just walked home alone …

Anyway – so saturday I missed a good friend’s wedding reception. I wrote it down in my planner and somehow completely missed it. I am so bummed. And I don’t have his number to get a hold of him since I had lost my phone – I feel like such a terrible friend 😦

Sunday I did laundry and a ton of band junk online. I now tell people to email me instead of myspace about shows – it’s SO much easier to keep track of dates that way.

I bought a bunch of blueberries since they were on sale at safeway, woohoo! And two avocados and some carrots. I read online about eating too many carrots turning you a orange-ish color (when I was on the carrot kick a week or so ago) and I thought that was a GREAT way to get a nice glow. I need more carrots! I ate an entire avocado yesterday that I mashed up and mixed some chicken into then ate it with some organic chips. It was really good. Yesterday I was so lethargic and I layed around almost all day – my whole body was just exhasted and I could barely get around the house and do anything without feeling almost narcoleptic.

This week is an interesting week. I hope the show goes well tonight – that way I will have money for this week – because if it doesn’t I could potentially be screwed at least until payday on friday. I am feeling much better about myself lately – and I know that it’s directly related to exercise, food and not drinking.

I wanted to party this weekend – but it just didn’t work out. Oh well. Maybe next weekend.

July 24, 2008

cyclamen europaeum

So I am trying out some homeopathic medicines, since I have been getting dizzy lately and sometimes disassociated and disconnected with my surroundings and this homeopathic remedy – Cyclamen Europaeum – is supposedly good for that kind of stuff. It was REALLY cheap – only 6.95 for 80 pellets, that you dissolved in your mouth 3 times a day. I thought the pellets would taste gross or have at least some kind of taste but they kind of just tasted like chalk (placebo? haha). Cyclamen is a plant and the substance that is used in the medicine apparently is also toxic (when you take too much) – so I need to be careful too with this that I don’t take too much. Just saying the word “pellets” makes me feel like I am a mouse or something – like I need to get fed my pellets. hahaha
Something really freaky though – I took the cyclamen last night before I went to bed and I had crazy dreams! I normally don’t dream that much but I remembered my dreams and I never felt like I was actually asleep. I took it again this morning – and I don’t really notice yet if my focus is any better. I will keep taking it just to see … and if I don’t notice anything in a week or so I’ll just stop. You’re not supposed to take homeopathic medicines for longer than the symptoms last anyway.
According to hpathy.com, here are some of the symptoms that Cyclamen Europaeum is supposed to treat:
Best suited for leuco-phlegmatic persons with anaemic or chlorotic conditions; easily fatigued, and in consequence not inclined to any kind of labor; feeble or suspended functions of organs or special senses.
Pains; pressive, drawing or tearing of parts where bone lie near the surface.
Ailments: from suppressed grief and terrors of conscience; from duty not done or bad act committed.
Great sadness and peevishness, irritable, morose, ill-humored; inclined to weep; desire for solitude; aversion to open air (rev. of Puls. ).
Headache in anaemic patients, with flickering before eyes or dim vision, on rising in morning.
Flickering before eyes, fiery sparks, as of various colors, glittering needles, dim vision of fog or smoke.
Satiety after a few mouthfuls ( Lyc. ), food then becomes repugnant, causes nausea in throat and palate.
Saliva and all food has a salty taste; pork disagrees.
Burning sore pain in heels, when sitting, standing or walking in open air ( Agar. , Caust. , Val. , Phyt. ).
Relations. – Compare: Puls. , Cinch. , Fer. in chlorosis, and anaemic affections; Croc. , Thuja as if some thing alive in abdomen.

On another health note – I ordered these foot patches called the Cleanse Patch. I spent too much money on these dang things and they still haven’t showed up yet. It says it only takes 5-7 days for them to show up, but nothin! And it’s been almost 2.5 weeks! My mom’s birthday card she sent me never showed up either. Damn. I have been reading a lot about people’s experiences with the cleanse patch and it’s really funny – people are so adament about things that are “quackery” and scams. I say, if it works for you and you believe it, then good!! Mind over matter. Self healing – the power of the mind is more than we know. So let people believe what they want to believe. Others that capitalize on it – to live off of it and make money – if they believe in it as much as their customers do, then fine! If they are knowingly jacking people of their cashola then okay that’s not cool. I still want to try them just for the hell of it.

I have done quite a few cleanses, and honestly I really really liked the 14 day Cleanse called The Cleaner. I also did the Ultimate Cleanse last year, but The Cleaner was a lot more gentle and I felt more of the effects in my skin as well as my intestines. The Ultimate Cleanse had a LOT of pills and more instructions and it seemed like once my intestines were cleared out – which only took about a week, but the cleanse takes 21 days, I felt like the pills weren’t doing anything. The Cleaner I felt working all the way up to the end of the 14 days.

Didn’t go to the gym yesterday because I had my stairway kids until 7:30 and didn’t wind up getting home till 9 since I took the light rail home. It’s alright though – I will make it up today. I couldn’t take it yesterday and totally ate a bunch of crap all day long. Wheat thins, beef jerky, shrimp tacos, rice, beans, with cheese. Oh man, it was too much for one day since I have been restricting my diet so much. I have been having slight stomache pains as well so maybe the cyclamen will help with that.

Okay enough on the health update. !!! Today is a good day – boss is gone at work.. WOOHOO!! 🙂

July 22, 2008

I hate that….

It really bothers me when people who are your “really good friends” use that against you when they are upset. I understand forgive and forget, but I really feel like I am being projected onto because of other people’s personal issues.

Anyway – I think I am going a little boy crazy lately and this is a very new thing for me. I have never really been actively distracted by men too much – but for some reason I’ve been just out and about and feeling like I could actually go on a date or two. I never date. I just don’t. I just have always kind of felt like when you met that person you’re supposed to be with – you’ll know .. and so dating around has never really appealed to me. But.. now I’m starting to think … crap! I have been single my entire life… maybe I should let myself date…? It’s the weirdest thing for me … so I guess I just have to try it out and see if I like it or not. There isn’t any other way to find out except just experiencing it I guess. Although – thinking about dating boys/men is starting to distract me. I know that I am a big flirt already so it’s just making it worse. oh geeze.

At least I am still doing what I need to do – taking care of work, and my shows. Working hard. I have two interviews next week (THANK GOODNESS) for new jobs since I lose my job in about a month.

I am antsy right now.

I took a nap in the park this afternoon and meant to only sleep for an hour but I wound up being out there for two hours…. it was actually kind of nice, but I wish now that I slept in the shade. I like being hot though. It feels good.

I went dancing again last night – I love dancing but I have to stop getting so intoxicated so that I can have more fun and not make an ass of myself or be dancing all up on people like I was last night. Not looking forward to those pictures. oh man. I asked Nick not to post them….but I doubt that he really cares.

Anyway – I better get back to work.

July 21, 2008

What constitutes a good time?

How many things have to go “right” vs. “wrong” before you’re having a good time. I know some people go out and something bothers them so much that they don’t have fun. Others just let it roll off their backs and just have a good time anyway….

That really didn’t have much to do with why I clicked on “write post” today. I had a very interesting past four days. I am learning so much lately – I feel like I am actually making some kind of forward progress and it’s all stemming from sticking to my ground and doing what I want. All the while, not being persuaded by others. Which leads me to believe that I need to continue sticking to what I want, which I have never done before because I always try to make everyone else happy. I have made a vow to myself to not become involved in situations that I don’t have as much control over as possible, so that if shit hits the fan, it’s my own fault. Which sucks for other people – but I do what I have to do.
I don’t want to owe anybody. I don’t want to be obligated to anyone. I DO want help, but I do NOT want guilt. I want team-mates, but I need to be the captain.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking for team-mates. If someone doesn’t want to be on my team they don’t have to …. !
Anyway – enough with the silly analogies.
The weekend was good. Show on friday night – after party – then saturday I did some laundry and chilled out – and had another show last night.
I am really excited about The Upstairs … the shows are getting better and better and the word is really spreading.
This week should be decent. Working – promoting – booking – gym .. continuing to not let dumb shit get to me. Optimism – day 21. It’s still working. Mostly. haha Show again on sunday – which I still need another band for – but I will get someone on my lunch break when I can get on myspace and get some stuff confirmed. I really like my life right now. I am not sure how I am going to get by in August when I lose my job, but I know that I will…. so I am not too worried. I just keep working hard. Work work work.

July 10, 2008

irritating morning…

Filed under: Life, random, Venting — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , — crazygina @ 10:48 am

So this morning was irritating. I woke up late and my roommate offered to give me a ride to work so I wouldn’t be late. That was very nice of him. However… it wasn’t exactly a smooth ride. I don’t know if he is going through stuff he doesn’t want to talk about, but I swear, I don’t think I can take any more criticism from him. It’s driving me up the wall… and I hardly even see the guy!!! It’s hard enough as it is to deal with life without someone every time you see them telling you all about how you’re messed up. Granted when he dropped me off he told me, “you’ll be fine”.. but who knows how I am supposed to take that.

I am just being a “girl” apparently and overthinking everything. Although when I am sitting here at work, without much to do – and no means to really promote (since all the music sites are blocked) – all I can really do is blog surf, listen to music from a CD or ipod, and think….and learn? I mean I do work too – I just don’t have enough stuff to keep me busy all day.
I did however, find out that my favorite band of all time, third eye blind is playing a show a little over an hour away from my town and I am really really stoked about it. I just need to find someone that wants to go now!!
Ugh. Okay I just have to listen to music and try to keep my mind from wandering all crazy.

July 7, 2008

the non-weekend….

I had a four day weekend .. and I hardly got to relax. I did it to myself though.

I do make all these decisions that aren’t really ‘good’ for me… my roommate told me that I choose to lose money on my shows. I told him that if choosing to lose money on my shows means that I value the band’s hard work in playing and pay them anyway – then yes, I do choose to lose money. But…. it’s not losing money… it’s an investment in the future of the music industry. In the future of bands making music and the future of entertainment of society. I know that I could have paid everyone 25 bucks and they probably would have been happy with just that – but I can’t in a clear conscience do that and take more money for myself. Even though I probably should in some circumstances…. maybe that’s what he was talking about? I don’t know… but it really irritated me.

I am trying to do something good here. I am trying to make a difference and a change and value people for the goodness of their existence. We are all here…. for whatever reason who knows, but I believe that everyone in their own way is important for some reason…. to themselves and to others. Money is nothing. So what if I gave the bands money out of my pocket, so what if I might be broke next month. So what? I will find a way to eat, I will find a way to get my rent paid. I mean…. money is just money. You can always make more money. IT ISN’T EASY. but….. it’s extremely possible….maybe I make things harder on myself because I don’t fear being broke becuase I am willing to work hard? I make things easier for other people who don’t want to work hard…?

Anyway… obviously whatever my roommate said got to me, but I just don’t like it when people question my motivations or try to explain to me that I am a glutton for punishment because I do these things to myself…. granted I SHOULD value myself more, but I am still on this way of thinking that I am here for other people… not for me. I have definitely gotten better at appreciating myself… but life is a learning experience and I think that we all figure out new things about each other and about ourselves every day… I mean… the “who are we” question is almost just as bad as the “what are we doing here”. I don’t try to really find myself too much anymore… because I’m always changing…. and people who don’t change and people who refuse to grow… well… ???

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