Chasing

I spend my whole life chasing what I want. Chasing. Tenacious they say, motivated they say, a go-getter. I am just a chaser. Chasing everything, keep moving forward, not looking back. Sometimes I do look back… but I never want to go back. Pursue, chase, pulling and pushing.. seeing things in fast motion, slow down. I literally chased my dad. Literally.

No wonder I run after love, no wonder I am scared to let it come to me. I have no experience with the latter. Very minimal experience to back up the latter. When I think I have something I cling to it… because I am scared of losing it, but when I lose something.. I am okay. So what am I scared of? Not being love? But.. I am loved.

We’re never alone. We are all connected. We are all one. Not being loved romantically? That is what I am scared of. It has to be.. and I cling to it because I never had it stick around. I want it for whatever time frame that I can have it. I don’t get the longevity.. or not to feel like I have to cling to something, begging, desperate, alone.

At the same time, I am so overwhelmed with joy sometimes I take it all in and somehow for a little while it fills that void. This void of love from a man, that attention – not just the love I have to be doing something – that if I don’t do these things I won’t have the attention. My mom would chase/cling to men too. There has to be a way to change this behavior. It isn’t healthy to feel like you have to cling to someone and beg and chase someone around to get them to like you or want you. Our lives pass by, the days pass quickly.

We go about our days and have experiences and we forget about past experiences or we create and pursue other experiences. We create our realities. We are all here together and we are all connected. Each day passes, another day arrives and time keeps passing. The clock keeps ticking. Another moment arrives, another moment has passed. Lift for it but patience, every moment is a new possibility. Every day brings new possibilities. To stop. To be. To let yourself be. To not chase myself around.

why can’t you be

Why can’t you be what I want?

Why can’t you be more important to me?

Why can’t you be enough?

I hate being lonely. I think it’s the most lame feeling in the world. Besides disappointment. That’s a crappy one too.  I beat myself up for even having the emotion of being lonely. Aren’t we supposed to be strong and independent?

it doesn’t make sense….

I would understand if there was something really bad that I was doing… like taking tons of drugs, throwing my money away, getting drunk every night, not taking care of my health, anorexic, being suicidal or something like that, which was detremental to my well being… but well… I’m not.

Going out and partying … and drinking and/or hooking up sometimes with people as a single 24 year old in this world.. I don’t really think is that much of a bad thing. At least not enough for someone to berate you and tell you that you need to “grow up”…. especially someone with a college degree, my own apartment and my own buisness.

We only live once. We get the chance to meet new people – have new experiences – have a good time – HAVE FUN – enjoy life. I have my entire life to grow up….and even then… I’m not making any promises.

I really really don’t see my behavior worthy of intervention, especially when the behavior is partially instigated by someone else.

When I think back to some of the times I did bring people home – a few times it was just to piss off my roommate because I was mad at him… and then he reams into me for doing it – so obviously it worked to piss him off but it just makes him talk shit…. didn’t really serve it’s purpose too well.

Anyway – I will live my life how I want to – do what I want to – I don’t live with my parents or my brother and I don’t want to deal with a roommate that is going to make me feel like I am living with my parents. I moved out when I was 15 so I could live how I want.

Hopefully this weekend is relatively chill. I am looking forward to just getting all this crap out of my system and actually having a conversation with my roommate instead of an argument. If he wants to continue to cut into me – fine. I will be a ball of steel. I am just pissed he keeps putting me through this. You know what they say though – misery loves company.

I am happy. I am enjoying life. I am getting a new job. I get a 2 week vacation or so – I have to reschedule my shows – but overall things are okay. I have had to deal with show drama before so this is nothing I can’t handle.

Just like life. Bring it on.

State Fair tomorrow. Wine slushies, overpriced food, good people, exhibits…. YYYYYYYeeesssss!!!!!

much too much

I sometimes feel like I am too much for myself sometimes – I can see how I would be that way for someone else.

I have found that most of my really good friends – that have seen me through the worst of it all – still aren’t really that close. They all seem to still be a little distant. Or maybe that’s just me — thinking that they aren’t really what they should be at this point. Does how long you know someone really factor into the depth of the friendship? I go through stages with friends, where I will hang out with a certain group A LOT then not at all – then see them around randomly, then maybe a year later hang out with them again .. is it because there aren’t really people who can hang out with me on a consistent basis for longer than a few months? It’s possible, probably because of my ‘independence’ and anger when I feel like I need someone to lean on – even though I know we all need it. I suppose I shouldn’t take it out on other people…. but that’s probably why I have been “alone” my whole life. Eh.

Maybe I am getting all loopy because I am sweating so much and can’t really sleep since my apartment is a furnace (even at 1030 pm)…. I need to get to bed.. I have to get up early and I have a ton of stuff going on the rest of this week. Just… breathe… okay okay there we go… breathe in.. breathe out… ahhhh