talking to myself

November 28, 2016

A new beginning.

Filed under: Life, love, people, poetry, random, universe, writing — crazygina @ 10:20 am

I won’t be sorry that I couldn’t be whatever it is you wanted me to be

I’m just the person that I am

It’s not fair that I wanted you to change for me

OK I know that I’m alright

I know that I’m getting it now

This fight of being so one sided it hurts

To know that all this energy and all this time never really meant anything to you at all.

Maybe I’m just overthinking

I know better, maybe I don’t

Could use some time to figure out what’s going on in my head

I keep thinking about how things are the way they are

Not the way I want them to be and that’s OK

Because I’m tired of using all this energy

I can’t say that it was wasted but

I’m not sure where it went

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October 11, 2013

Chasing

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 9:35 pm

I spend my whole life chasing what I want. Chasing. Tenacious they say, motivated they say, a go-getter. I am just a chaser. Chasing everything, keep moving forward, not looking back. Sometimes I do look back… but I never want to go back. Pursue, chase, pulling and pushing.. seeing things in fast motion, slow down. I literally chased my dad. Literally.

No wonder I run after love, no wonder I am scared to let it come to me. I have no experience with the latter. Very minimal experience to back up the latter. When I think I have something I cling to it… because I am scared of losing it, but when I lose something.. I am okay. So what am I scared of? Not being love? But.. I am loved.

We’re never alone. We are all connected. We are all one. Not being loved romantically? That is what I am scared of. It has to be.. and I cling to it because I never had it stick around. I want it for whatever time frame that I can have it. I don’t get the longevity.. or not to feel like I have to cling to something, begging, desperate, alone.

At the same time, I am so overwhelmed with joy sometimes I take it all in and somehow for a little while it fills that void. This void of love from a man, that attention – not just the love I have to be doing something – that if I don’t do these things I won’t have the attention. My mom would chase/cling to men too. There has to be a way to change this behavior. It isn’t healthy to feel like you have to cling to someone and beg and chase someone around to get them to like you or want you. Our lives pass by, the days pass quickly.

We go about our days and have experiences and we forget about past experiences or we create and pursue other experiences. We create our realities. We are all here together and we are all connected. Each day passes, another day arrives and time keeps passing. The clock keeps ticking. Another moment arrives, another moment has passed. Lift for it but patience, every moment is a new possibility. Every day brings new possibilities. To stop. To be. To let yourself be. To not chase myself around.

April 8, 2013

Overwhelmed

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 9:32 am

It’s been a while since i wrote anything on here… Last night I sort of had some very weak moments… I drank too much, I got emotional, I cried a bunch. Now I am at work. My  mind is all over the place and it is hard to focus. I think if I write this out maybe it will help me to get my mind off of last night. I didn’t want to have expectations… I wanted to have a fun night… yet it wasn’t exactly that. I am still trying to figure out what was going on with my emotions and what I was expressing. I felt very vulnerable… while Joe was comforting and sweet – and there for me… something about it.. it just felt different.. My heart didn’t really feel in it… or maybe it was just cause I was drunk. I should have known where it was heading when I started getting anxiety about picking him up… that I was going to get emotional. I should have restrained myself from drinking so much …but can’t change that now. I did like having him around… it just had been so long since we had spent any time together, maybe I felt pathetic. I was over-thinking all day. Now I am probably over-thinking too. I need to focus on work. I wish I didn’t have to be here right now. I don’t feel well. My body is tired and my mind is just all over the place. I still don’t have my car – it has been at the shop since Friday morning. Maybe I will go home at lunch…maybe my car will be ready by lunchtime and I can go pick it up and go home :-\  bleh…I don’t even know. I would love to be able to process whatever these emotions are that I have… I don’t even know what they are right now. 

January 10, 2013

I see the light

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 12:36 pm

I have discovered a program by Rori Raye… called Love Scripts for Relationships. It has changed my life. Literally. It has given me the insight to see how my actions have been perpetuating this constant cycle of miscommunication and arguing… and has helped me to dig deeper into my actions and dig deeper into my feelings. 

It makes me THINK about what I want to convey before I speak. It makes me stop myself before I speak… and decide, am I saying what i want to say?

I am blown away at change that has happened in our relationship just in the past week. It is fascinating and I feel free. I feel good!! 

By following her four rules:

1. don’t try to control your man

2. don’t try to control the outcome

3 stop yourself before you criticize, advice, judge, warn, coax, suggest or complain

4. learn to take no for an answer

—-

It makes you really think about it… and what you are really feeling.

January 3, 2013

exhausted

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 3:22 pm

So I give him an ultimatum that he needs to MAKE TIME for me and what does he do? He tells me that I am rude and dismissive of his feelings….. 

He is TRYING to fight with me. I really don’t care about your friends computer or the components he put in it, or what he made it out of blah blah .. blah blh blah blh blah blah blah blah blah blah… I am on my work break at lunch.. I already listened to all his other ideas… so ..,. not only instead of being more loving and caring to show me that he cares, he FIGHTS with me.  HE FIGHTS WITH ME. 

I don’t know what that means and frankly I don’t care. He said i was being rude .. he says I tell him to “shut-up”… I have never told him to shut up ever. It isn’t fair… he is accusing me of being all these things that I am not. There is NO way to tell him I am not interested in what he has to say. He takes it SO personal. He thinks that just because I don’t happen to be interested in a certain topic that I am NOT INTERESTED IN HIM or what he has to say. 

It is totally irrational. Being not interested in a topic DOES NOT mean that I am not interested in him…but I can’t sit and listen to him go on and on and on about something. 

I can’t believe he turned this around on me.. he is so manipulative .. he is finding a way to make ME in the wrong so I feel bad .. instead of acknowledging that HE is in the wrong. He hardly ever acknowledges he is in the wrong. 

I will say right off the bat if I am being rude. I may have been rude to him, but can he seriously not handle even a little bit of someone being rude?! Why does everything all the time have to be perfect?! I am not allowed to get irritated or angry or anything like that. AAARRGGGAAAHHH!!!!

 

 

January 2, 2013

not again….

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 7:38 pm

It is true. if it is this hard now… is it really going to get easier??!!

After over a year – he still dismisses my feelings and won’t man up to his behavior. 

He acknowledges that what he is doing is “not fair” and/or “not right” to me….yet he still does it. I just can’t imagine what the future may bring, and not in a good way 😦

My hope for a future has dwindled down to nothing. I don’t know if he is capable of stepping up to the plate and raising his own bar. Raising his own bar so that he can change his behavior for the better.

I can’t force anyone to do anything… and somehow I run into this problem all the time. I need to stay calm and just give him space to think….actually to give ME space to think. It does come down to him being dismissive….but I don’t think he is in the right frame of mind. 

He wants his cake and eat it too. All I write about is how HE is feeling… I should write about how I am feeling.

I feel used, taken for granted and under-appreciated… I feel like a fly on the wall, I feel like I am not important…. I feel like #28475893 on his list. I am angry that I didn’t get a new years kiss again. 

You can’t get back time…. you can never get back moments. I am angry for missing a new years kiss with ANYONE. It is a fun tradition and I missed it. 

I am so angry for him not being what I want him to be… oh… wait… um… I am angry that… uh… I am angry because I want to be picked up from work on time, because I want a boyfriend that wants to cuddle and lay with me.

I am frustrated with my own inability to stick to what I say… to stick to my boundaries when I set them. I am mad that I allow myself to be molded and shaped by how he wants to treat me instead of sticking to what I know is right. 

I am angry that I have compromised my own wants and needs for him. It makes me resent him… even though HE didn’t do anything. That is exactly the case. He hasn’t done anything. My resentment comes from me being angry that I can’t just say NO. That I can’t just deal with the situation in a rational manner. That I allow a MAN to have that much control over me and my decisions.

I am angry at the situation – he just happens to be the focus…because it is in my face.

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy what I enjoy without letting someone else bring me down.. it is a vicious cycle. I want a partner who enjoys doing the same things I do… so that is why I take offense to him not joining me in activities I would enjoy. I am frustrated that I don’t have more accountability for why I feel the way I do… and it is true.. I am the only one making myself feel this way…BUT that doesn’t excuse him to treat me however he wants. 

This is interesting.

December 24, 2012

talks of the cat

Filed under: Life — crazygina @ 4:05 pm

In my last relationship I knew that things were turning south when our relationship started turning into only having conversations about my cat. He would send me pictures of him and the cat, and would talk most of the day about what the cat was doing. I love my cat don’t get me wrong…. but I hope this isn’t the start of the end of all of it… as this relationship has started to turn to the cat… Perhaps my cat is just extremely seductive and irresistible… which she is. I will have to keep an eye on her. 

feeling weak

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , — crazygina @ 12:21 pm

I feel weak. I feel like I let myself down. I feel used and manipulated. 

I know that I can’t change the past, I can only change my future. At the same time.. I know that addiction can turn people into someone they are not….without even realizing how his actions may be affecting others. I am upset at myself but… I know I shouldn’t beat myself up for giving in and driving him to the dealers house. We all have moments of weakness and it sounds like we both were having one. I plan to keep myself in check and next time I will be stronger. I will be able to say NO…and saying NO does not mean I don’t love him or care about him no matter what he says… drugs will make people say anything.

I am a smart person. I am a loving giving caring person. I need to be VERY clear with him on what my boundaries are and I need to stick to them. If refusing to take him to get drugs means he won’t be with me, then he needs to find someone who will…because I won’t do that anymore. 

I promise myself that I won’t do it ever again. No matter how much he guilts me or gets upset. I will not hold it against him now…what’s done is done. I will just know for myself and for the future. 

November 21, 2012

angry

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 3:58 pm

I am angry. I am frustrated. I am upset. I am fed up. I am anxious. I am sad. I have lost my patience. 

I need peace, I need guidance, I need help.

I feel overwhelmed and over-used… over something.

Maybe I just need a nap. 

November 18, 2012

More time…

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , — crazygina @ 8:00 pm

As the past becomes the past … as humans we have a hard time letting it go, not letting it impact us, yet it always does. We are who we are due to out past… our experiences. People will build resentment towards others when there is a lack of communication. 

Within ourselves we have the ability to let things go – to live a life in peace and serenity… to control our minds and emotions. Where does the line lie between letting something go and being content and just pushing things aside and becoming numb? There surely must be a significant difference. 

Working through emotions and settling for bad treatment in life I can justify because of my free thinking and ability to forgive easily.. or so I thought. What if it isn’t what I thought? What if my ability to forgive easily isn’t really that? What if it is really my low self worth and low self esteem that I can “put up with anything.” Is that something to be proud of? I doubt it… or is it? 

I do not really know the difference. My mind has been racing. I have been struggling to process the past few days and I have no idea what to think. In my heart I make excuses and forgiveness for others.. but my brain says that my heart is weak and I need to think more rationally. 

What is it going to take for me to feel that I am making the “right” decisions? I sometimes wonder if I exaggerate or not … I constantly question my own motives and my own ideas… my own feelings. As if someone else should back me up or validate my feelings. I validate my own feelings but when they are dismissed, I question them, which causes me emotional pain. 

I keep wondering and keep hoping that somehow things will become clear to me. In my mind they are clear, in my heart – they are not. The struggle of humanity really… heart vs. brain. This is nothing new. 

Do I have to let this anguish take over the parts of my brain that are open to influence? I am hesitant to make any conclusions… the uncertainty is confusing. All of it… and it is hard to talk to someone about it.. hard to share, because without the heart involved, the whole thing is basically irrational. 

You can say that there are solutions… a definitive answer…but… is there really??

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