why do I?

Writing is therapy. Writing is a way to get things out. I like to post and write on here because I don’t think many people read it. I feel like I get to just say whatever and it just goes out to the internetz.

Today I am working. At a coffee shop – I have a few hours before I pick the kid up again from school. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to do anything.

I am such a downer lately I don’t even want to talk to my friends because I feel like I am complaining too much. There is a sense of loss of control (still) and confusion in my expectations (whatever those are).. and doubt.

Doubt sucks. I don’t know the purpose of doubt. It’s not helpful. It causes worry, anxiety… I guess at the root of it, doubt is fear. And fear is there to show you what you are insecure about.

The insecurities are growing. As a mom, as a partner, as a person. Since becoming a mom and becoming a shell – I am really struggling to have a positive happy attitude. Gratitude is a great place to start. I like to say fake it till you make it but what if you fake it till you break it?

Sometimes I feel really broken… even in a temporary state. I appreciate my life and I am doing the best I can with what I have. That’s all I can do.

Joyous and Free

For years I was alone,

Joyous and free,

unlimited netflix,

unlimited wine.

plans abound,

friends around,

money for everything,

now it’s all gone.

the changes are real,

plans are a joke,

I hit a 180,

shit I had a baby,

wham!

instant family of 5,

soulmate entered,

woah I feel alive,

what happened to the world?

It’s always been this way,

I just couldn’t see it,

I remember the days of,

joyous and alone,

but it was control not joy,

as my world spinned out of orbit,

throwing me into a place of unknown,

feeling like my life was untouchable,

now I’m somewhere else,

it’s a world I’ve never known,

with you,

with even more joy and less netflix and wine. ❤

Overwhelmed

It’s been a while since i wrote anything on here… Last night I sort of had some very weak moments… I drank too much, I got emotional, I cried a bunch. Now I am at work. My  mind is all over the place and it is hard to focus. I think if I write this out maybe it will help me to get my mind off of last night. I didn’t want to have expectations… I wanted to have a fun night… yet it wasn’t exactly that. I am still trying to figure out what was going on with my emotions and what I was expressing. I felt very vulnerable… while Joe was comforting and sweet – and there for me… something about it.. it just felt different.. My heart didn’t really feel in it… or maybe it was just cause I was drunk. I should have known where it was heading when I started getting anxiety about picking him up… that I was going to get emotional. I should have restrained myself from drinking so much …but can’t change that now. I did like having him around… it just had been so long since we had spent any time together, maybe I felt pathetic. I was over-thinking all day. Now I am probably over-thinking too. I need to focus on work. I wish I didn’t have to be here right now. I don’t feel well. My body is tired and my mind is just all over the place. I still don’t have my car – it has been at the shop since Friday morning. Maybe I will go home at lunch…maybe my car will be ready by lunchtime and I can go pick it up and go home :-\  bleh…I don’t even know. I would love to be able to process whatever these emotions are that I have… I don’t even know what they are right now. 

alone

I want to feel alive, want to feel close to you, close to me

I want to feel alone, close to me, far from you

I want something else, I want something

want want want want want

don’t you want? want want want

what do I want

what you want

you you you you you

I am so alone 

I am so close

so close

so needing 

so wanted

it’s what makes sense

the timing, the feeling, the reality

I am reality 

I am the fantasy

can I live here

can I take you with me?

 

 

 

///////////////////////

 

 

Synthetically modified

genetically differenciated

I am different

You are different

Have a couple drinks

See a couple shrinks

I can feel my pain

all of our pain is all of their gain

deeds to see

the deeds have been done

can you see the future for me please?

come with me

come to the past

we can make it to the future

I am there.

It’s alright.

The Salton Sea Adventure

Just before sunrise at the salton sea

Salton Sea… day 4?? – October 18, 2008

I have been thinking a lot about what has been going on here. About our purpose with these sampling missions. Collecting little fish. Putting them in alcohol. Measuring them, weighing them. Wading around in irrigation ditches that look like small rivers. I really think they are much more suited to be called rivers than ditches actually. I have always been a skeptic of science. The humanitarian inside me is always fighting the scientist. This trip is has been so far really testing those issues.

As an example… there is an endangered fish, the Pupfish. We are catching Mollie’s and Mosquito Fish… who have overrun the ditches apparently and are kicking out the pupfish which is part of the reason they are endangered. Now… the Mosquito Fish are INTRODUCED to the area by other wildlife groups to eliminate a lot of the mosquito population.. but the Talipia that are already in the water do a better job at that than the mosquito fish do. But apparently they keep putting more mosquito fish in the water anyway. Mollies are aquarium fish. Apparently when people dump out their aquariums… the Mollies get out and breed and are now taking over. This is how extreme this dumb “scientific” project is… ready? Every day we catch tons of fish. We put about 50 or more into alcohol – and kill over 75 mollies and mosquito fish at each site. When they are in the traps, they actually just throw them into the dirt. We were in the lab… and apparently somehow a pupfish made it into our pile of Mollies… and the person in the lap screams, oh my God it’s a pupfish! Frantically – contaminates another sample (of plankton) by putting the pupfish in it. This fish is maybe 20cm long. It’s a itty bitty fish. So… she drives about 40 minutes and falls in the mud trying to put this fish back into the ditch. This one tiny fish that is endangered, because of us mind you, by the same person who throws 50 other fish into the dirt every day.

Okay so where am I going with this you are wondering? I was catching spiders in our place we are staying at and letting them outside instead of killing them. I mentioned that I don’t like to kill things. Someone said…. Well… you do realize that the fish are invasive species right? And someone else – not involved with our group – said that humans are also invasive species. This has been ringing in my mind ever since I heard that. Everything that we do, I am thinking – who the hell are we? To invade upon nature, fuck it up… and then kill everything because we fucked up? Two of the other girls here don’t get it. They actually make a point to let me know how many fish they kill sometimes. I am not this nieve, “oh my goodness, don’t kill the fishes! They are so cute!” type … I just don’t understand why the fish have to pay for our mistakes. At the same time… this goes to such a much bigger scale than just fish. It’s people too. How many people die during testing of a new drug? How many children suffer because of other’s mistakes? This is something that isn’t just happening in nature and in science. It is happening on every scale. Who the hell are we to just come in and do whatever the heck we want whenever we want. It’s also the “it’s not my problem” mentality. When I realized that this project we are doing isn’t for the good of the environment.. oh no… it’s for a company that doesn’t want to get fined by the govt. so he is paying for this test to find out if he is polluting the waters. We don’t test any other areas. Just the areas that this person wants us to test. It isn’t about the environment … or the fish… its about someone who doesn’t want to pay money in the future – so he is paying for it now. We aren’t concerned about any of the other fish or water in the other 50 to 75 sites that also drain into the salton sea. So … tell me SCIENCE .. how the hell is this actually a legit study?

Oh science, how you have failed me. I was so disappointed in you yesterday. When I found out that the liquid which is called DI Water – isn’t actually DI water (de-ionized water) it is just reverse osmosis filtered tap water basically. It’s not anything special. They actually told me that it isn’t really safe to drink. But… that is what we rinse all of the stuff with before we go out to “sterilize” it. In reality – the water is dirtier than what we drink. The people here don’t have good explanations for things either. We aren’t suppose to touch certain parts of tools so not to “contaminate” them… but so many other steps along the way could easily contaminate the sample so what the hell? Okay science, I know you’re supposed to eliminate as many variables as you can – but really… you can’t ever eliminate enough! So much of what we are doing out here is NOT nearly as regulated as I expected it to be. I don’t feel like this is science at all. The only thing making this trip feel even remotely legit is the scientific names for the fish.

I sound so cynical and upset and frusturated, but really.. I am having a good time. Wait, well, it’s not so good – more like just… a time. I am enjoying the experience. I like waking up when the sun comes up and being physically active all day. I LOVE LOVE being outside in the sun all day. Even when I am sitting on the bank of a “ditch” and looking for tiny worms in the soil, I get to soak in the sun, feel the breeze of the 87 degree day – and listen to the birds. Here, there are over 50 different species of birds that hang out. That is great.

salton sea birds!

I like being on a schedule. I was so broke before I came out here – so my groceries for the trip were VERY slim. I am eating ramen, spaghetti-o’s and tuna… while everyone else in the house has “real” food. At least I am completely forced to eat at home…. There isn’t anything else around here… My cell phone hardly even works.

I don’t think I am too fond of the other two girls on the trip. They are very haphazard with this whole thing. When I talk to either of them – they definitely don’t strike me as people I would trust with a science experiment – even a 2nd grade one making your own volcano.

Maybe I am taking it too seriously – thinking about everything too much. Before I came out here, I was looking for some kind of salvation. Some kind of sign of what to do with myself. Something to make things make sense… and well… nothing happened. So I get out here and am hoping for it to happen here.

It’s hunting season. While we are out in the field, we can hear the quacks of the ducks and the shotguns going off in the distance. I suppose that this is all part of the experience, but, HUNTING SEASON? Really? I am not sure what the universe is trying to say to me with so much death surrounding me right now. I don’t feel like death but I have daydreams of being shot by some off-stray hunters bullet, but surviving it. It’s weird what you start to think of after you have spent 2 hours sifting through mud looking for tiny red worms. Anyway, back to the surroundings… not sure what it means, if at all anything. I should stop trying to overanalyze all of it and just do my job. I just can’t stop asking why. Everything, every day. Why why why why why why why why. I almost have irritated myself with it. I can’t stop though. I think it’s getting me through the days, but so many questions go unanswered. So many. These people don’t know the answers. But do they need to? So many people go through life but never even ask themselves the question, why? I think in people’s job’s they go through the same motion so many times that eventually they forget why they even do it. We shouldn’t forget why, even when the why changes… and “just because” – is NOT sufficient.

*sigh* Well.. this is all making my brain hurt and I have to take a shower. I guess I will continue to reflect on these experiences as I have them and keep on with our 12 hour days. Up at 5:45 and we usually get done working around 6:15 or so. Today we got done at 6. I will write more tomorrow. I haven’t done much writing .. I should have written more the past few days but I think I was still trying to take it in. I still am now too. I don’t know what is going to come out of this whole thing. I should stop thinking so much.

another work spot

Salton Sea – part 2. 10/19/08

The bunnies here are creepy. I walked outside going to look for a signal so I could give my mom a call since I know she is worried about me (she’s always worried. That’s what mom’s do right?). Well.. on the walk back, I notice there are a crazy amount of bunnies. At first I was like, oh how cute, look at all the bunnies. Then… as I continued to walk I noticed that sometimes they didn’t scurry right away. I looked to my right. Bunnies. Staring at me. I looked to my left. More bunnies… I looked ahead… bunnies. And behind me… more bunnies had blocked the path I had just came from. I walked forward towards the bunkhouse and the bunnies hopped away – slowly. Not without turning back and looking at me as I pass. As if to say… we’re watching. Creepy.

So today was alright. I decided to stop asking questions. I think I am irritating the other two girls on the trip – I mean … for right reason though. They hardly know this job much better than I do, and I have never done this shit before. One of the girls today accidentally killed one of the endangered pupfish. She never said anything. Never manned up to it. A photographer was here taking pictures and I was eavesdropping on her taking pictures of one of the girls collecting fish traps. The girl measured the fish and then threw it back into the water. I heard the photographer clearly say, “it’s dead. Look.. it’s floating over there.. the one you just threw in.” Instead of notifying our boss that the fish had died, she went along her merry way. This is the same type of fish that the other girl drove an extra 40 minutes out of her way to go drop one into a river. The frantic “omg it’s a pupfish” debacle that happened in the lab yesterday. Oh this whole thing is so silly.

It’s such a joke. I still do my job. I sit out in my waders – that have a hole in the crotch – and collect worms. I also throw out the dredge into the water to get the sediment in the morning. It’s an active day. I think I said this yesterday but I will reiterate again how much I really love to sit in the sun. I will probably be in withdrawls when I finally get back home … I will have to find a way to get outside. The door is a good start.

I am still not sure what to do about this whole life thing. I appreciate it. I think we’re dumb species as it is – I mean sure we’re smart machine wise, but not conscious wise. Too many people just go about their days and don’t stop to think of other people much less their surroundings. Oh man I gotta do something about me thinking this way. I am going to turn into one of those cynical wackos that talks about the end of the world and crap. Oh wait.. I kind of already am. Damn. Well… I am working on it. Despite the unknowing of the future of our existence and the purpose of life, I think I am still somewhat positive. I am a happy person. I enjoy others. I enjoy others company. I like to talk and interact and live life. I like being with and helping other people. I don’t hate all of it as some cynics do. If I ever lose that, oh dear lord help us all.

My co-worker (the one I get along with) is quite the cynic. She told me that life was meaningless and pointless. I told her that if that is true, if this is in fact it, if there is absolutely nothing after this and nothing before and everything should be taken as face value, then I would definitely kill myself. I would encourage everyone to kill themselves. Maybe I would start a cult of some kind and we could do some crazy mass suicide. I mean, seriously… if this is it, and this is all of it… and there is no point to this whole thing… then um.. if there’s no point, then um… what’s the point? (However, Stephan Jenkins said, “and life is pointless, but what’s so wrong with that?”)Although if it was common knowledge that there was absolutely nothing to our existence than our physical cells then I suppose that more people would be offing themselves already so I might not need to start a cult. Anyhow… I proceeded to explain to her that she is wrong. She has to be wrong. And if she isn’t…. well… then I’m wrong, but I will continue living because I know (or at least I think so?) that there is some reason I am still alive right now and there is something I am meant to do on this earth and I don’t think it is to start a cult and lead people to their deaths.

I wish that I wasn’t getting all deep with everything nowadays. I can hardly do anything without thinking – what’s the point? Then getting all crazy and being like, WHATS THE POINT OF IT ALL???!! It’s kind of funny when I read it that way – but… it’s not funny damnit.

So what’s next? Another day. Another dollar? My eyes aren’t really open yet. I just go through the motions, but I am very glad that I have motions to go through. It’s hard to sit at home and try to come up with your own motions to go through. I’m tired. Again. I have been going to bed around 8:30ish. It’s easier to wake up at 5:45 and work a 12 hour day. Also – besides writing and reading that book about immortality, death and reincarnation – I don’t have much else to do.

Part de Tres – Salton adventures October 20, 2008

I decided that if I stop questioning everything (again) I will have a better time out here. Just going along with the daily stuff and no more why why whys. At least not out loud. I still say them all day long in my head though. Today wasn’t such a long day – we were done in 11 hours instead of 12. I am wondering if anyone that is reading this .. if anyone actually read this far … was hoping that my salton sea reminisce would be more like, “today we went to a new place. We caught lots of fish and I got real muddy. It’s so much fun!” I mean… I could be saying all those things as well… but is it really exciting to hear in detail about how we muck through the water and sit down in a duck area picking worms out of the soil as some kind of weird bird hisses at us through the reeds? I guess I could throw those kinds of things out there too. Example: I kind of felt like a duck today. The place we were sitting was the perfect spot for a duck party. I mean… perfect. If I was a duck I would definitely hang out there. That’s probably why they were quacking at us – they must have been planning some huge duck get together at that spot and then we totally bashed the party. Bummer. See.. we humans suck!

Duck Party area

Ugh. Anyway – today wasn’t quite as exciting. I didn’t really think as much. I didn’t really think much of anything actually. I can’t remember much about today besides the whole duck thing. My mind wandered off on the duck scenario for a while.

I have a movie here that I wanted to watch. I don’t even have time to watch a movie… because most movies are about 2 hours or so, and by the time we get home, I eat dinner, take a shower and get ready for bed its 7:30ish and then I usually go to bed around 8:30 depending how much time I write this junk and/or how much time I read. I might try to watch it tonight since we got home early and in writing this it’s barely 6pm.

Who would have thought that I would be going to bed at 8:30 and actually be able to fall asleep? Sometimes I don’t even go out until after 10pm. Hahahaha. Oh geeze.

I still haven’t taken time out to see the stars yet. I plan to do that very soon. There is one light around here that is right in front of our place so I’ll have to walk a little ways to see them clearly. If I can get through the bunnies that is.

I won’t be able to do a band interview and/or any stories for Fringe this month because I didn’t get them done before I left. I feel horrible because I told Jared that I would for sure get FFG in there in November. Boooooo on me.

I don’t know where my head will be when I get back. Like I said before – I am just grateful to have motions to go through and I don’t have to self motivate. That is getting draining on me for sure. Everything is draining on me. Tomorrow is our 7th day here. Isn’t something supposed to happen on the 7th day?

I have noticed that I am not really getting sunburnt because my arms get so dirty with the dirt and the mud that it blocks the sun. The first few days the first thing I did when I got in the water is reach down and grab a glob of mud and put them on my arms. I rubbed it over my arms and voila! Sunscreen. Even with the mudscreen my arms are getting a fantastic farmers tan. If only my entire body was the color that my arms are right now, that would be awesome.

One of the girls here today actually attempted to make conversation with me. I was impressed. I am not sure that she was really prepared for my answer though when she asked me about my family as part of some “small talk.” I don’t really do small talk too much. Especially about my family. There isn’t really a short answer on that one. That’s a whole different book. But isn’t everyone’s family?!

Okay I don’t have much else to write. I am not really as angry or upset about any of this much anymore. I don’t like having to clean all the gear at the end of the day – that sucks. But whatever. It’s my job. Eh.

golden like the sunrise

The salty sea…. October 22nd, 2008

Today we went out to another site to collect the tiny worms that we hadn’t gotten enough of the first time and some algae. I was in the water and working for at least an hour before the two girls got into the water. When we starting picking for worms… they went on 2 bathroom breaks and lunch before I had even taken a break at all. We stopped early because they thought we had collected enough. Well… wrong. So basically – the entire day was a complete waste. Wtf.

the worms we had to pick out.

Wasting my time is probably the most irritating thing to me. Wasting my time and disappointing me. Those are the two worst. Well… now we have to go back to that site for a 3rd time to get enough samples. They seemed really bummed that they had to go back because she swore that we had enough of the samples… she really thought that we had enough so I can’t blame her too much for it. If I had an outlet of some kind while I am here – besides writing this – I think that would be nice. I guess not being able to chit chat with my friends more or on the internet or on the phone is making it harder to deal with Basically feeling like while I am out here that I have no friends (at least in this vicinity)… it’s weird.

We saw a snake today .. one of the girls (the one who is afraid of spiders) grabbed the damn thing to try to “play with it”… so odd that she is afraid of spiders but will just grab a wild snake. I think that the reason I am being so nitpicky about the two girls that are here is because they are the only ones to analyze. I have spent so long doing it inward that I think I am trying to find some type of something interesting to latch onto in these people and it’s not really happening.. it’s just making me irritated. I hate that when I am sitting in the water – with the breeze across my face – and the birds cawing watching the fish in the water … that I am irritated with some stupid human. I don’t want to go back home and feel like I was so distracted with what was going on inside my head that I couldn’t even enjoy the experience for the beauty that it is.

And I find the areas we are in…. beautiful. Even though they aren’t considered beautiful areas to many other people…? I have to remember to take my camera with me so I can get pictures. It’s tough because the areas are so mucky and muddy and I am afraid of my camera getting lost. It already got mud stuck in one of the buttons

another work spot

Depending how long it takes us to get the rest of the samples at the other sites, we might be back sooner than we thought. Which I would love to get back even sooner – BUT – I really need the money to pay my rent and now it’s sounding like I am barely going to have it covered now since I miscalculated the amount in the beginning and if we come back sooner, that’s less money. AARRRRGGGGG!! I HATE MONEEEEYYY!! I HATE ITTTT!!!

I am more tired today even though we had a shorter day. I think these non-stop days are starting to wear on me… every day up at 5:45 … I don’t know if I could do this as a career with no days off. I would need a day off after at least 7 days.. we have been going strong at this now for 9 days with no days off. Wooo. Maybe that is also another thing that is making me analyze everything. Eh, probably not…. Because I was thinking all this junk even on the first day.

I am trying to control my brain lately but it’s been tough – it seems like my thoughts are very frequently getting way out of my control. My imagination goes all crazy and it’s hard to make it stop. A little crazy much?

Something has to come of this whole experience. Not sure what. Maybe the less I think about it, the easier it will come to me… I’ll try to cleanse my mind of all this crap tonight and see if I can have a better tomorrow. I haven’t actually smiled a real smile or laughed a real laugh since I have been here. I almost smiled when I was looking at a picture of my cat on my camera. Can’t I just regress and have my teenage angst emo stage at 24? I am so going to do it. Black hair?!!!!

The Salton See. October 23rd, 2008

I had a good day today. I had a chance to talk to one of the girls and get a lot of this stuff off my chest. She didn’t like it. As a matter of fact…. She cried. Told me that she gets depressed out here too… and was highly offended that I felt she didn’t really know the job as well as she acted. I told her that it’s okay to mess up and to not know how to do something. We all make mistakes… anyway… I didn’t want to feel bad for making her feel bad when she and her friend have made me feel terrible this whole trip. She said that they didn’t like my negativity and questioning everything. I told her that I was depressed and that kind of comes along with it unfortunately. I think she took everything that I said wrong.. as a personal attack on her, when it wasn’t meant that way at all.

waders are not flattering

Anyway – I sure have spent a long time here just babbling about nonsense. I don’t think I have really said too much even in these 8 pages about the trip. I am really impressed if anyone actually read it this far. I am very tempted to go back and change all of my negative stuff to things that are somewhat positive and/or just take them out. As a way to somewhat attempt to become more positive in the long run? It turns out that we are going to be coming home now a lot sooner than we had expected. Much sooner. Instead of coming back on the 31st we are going to probably be driving back on the 26th! I guess that means I will get to see people and use my phone again.

I was able to touch bases with a few friends through text so that has kind of also made me feel a little bit better about being out here. I hadn’t really talked to many people since I got out here. That maybe made it tougher too? I don’t know. I guess it’s one of those you never know what you don’t appreciate until you don’t have it. I would definitely go crazy if I got lost on a desert island somewhere with no phone and no way to contact anyone. I never saw castaway – but I’ve heard about it. It would probably be like that. I should watch the movie one of these days.

I think that trudging through some bushes today I really tore up the sides of my arms. They are all scratched up and kind of bumpy as if I walked through cactus or something. They hurt like a mo-fo. I tried to put some stuff on it to help it heal faster, but who knows if it will work. We had a really long day today – 13 hours. We were out picking worms till 4:30 and we totally lost track of time. I was washing the gear until almost 6. That’s the other thing – they totally have me doing the bitch work of washing all the gear every day. All the waders, all the shoes, all the sives. Ugh. Oh well.. I suppose somebody’s gotta do it. Might as well make the newbie.

I am enjoying this more today than I did any other day and now we only have two more days of work left. I kind of have gotten used to this whole schedule thing. Just in time to go home…. Bah!

At the same time, I just want to be in my bed with my kitty cat and sleeping till I want. Only a few more days.

the moon!

October 25th, 2008 – the last salty day.

Today was our last day of work out here. We are driving all day tomorrow. I could tell that everyone here is very anxious to get home. I am too… but just so I don’t have to deal with these people anymore. I loved the work. I loved the area. I loved being away (except the no internet thing..). They just don’t really “get” me I guess? It’s hard to just do your job when you have to live with and see the people you work with literally 24/7… unless you close yourself up in your room. I tried to be friends with these people but they just didn’t respond to me. The past few days they literally didn’t even respond when I talked. As if I hadn’t even said anything.

They treated me like a lower life form. As if what I said had no substance at all. Example… yesterday – we were going through the samples we had taken and one of the girls asked me to pick through the plankton from that day. The one sample was ridiculous, it had TONS of tiny seeds in it – that we are supposed to pick out. So I suggested, ya know, we really should decant this first…there are tons of seeds in here. But she insists that I pick it. So I spent 30 minutes. Hear that?! Thirty damn minutes picking out these little seeds in the sample. Even after 30 minutes there were still seeds in it. I took a break from that one to pick the other one that was a little less laborious. I got distracted washing something from earlier. The other girl comes in and she looks at the plankton sample that I was picking that had all the seeds in it. The boss comes over and says, oh yea, decant that. So the other girl decants it. After I had just wasted half an hour picking out the seeds. I mentioned that I had just spent half an hour picking out the little seeds. No response. From anyone. They basically ignored me. I noticed then that since then, and even before then, they just ignore me. Maybe they decided that they didn’t like me and wasn’t going to listen to anything I had to say anymore?

I went out to see the stars last night. I took a little flashlight and forged out to the street area … but it was really scary. Being by myself, walking through the desert, listening to the sounds of the birds and other various desert animals. Way creepy. I couldn’t bring myself to walk all the way to the lookout to watch the birds near the refuge, it was just too scary out there , I kept thinking somebody was going to jump out from somewhere and attack me or something. I am less scared walking down broadway at 2am.

We went to this place called salvation mountain today. The man who built/painted the whole thing was actually hanging out there. He was eating his dinner out of a can. Apparently the mountain is pretty famous. My co-workers couldn’t stop talking about how the place was in a movie. Nevermind the fact that the guy had a spiritual epiphany that drove him to build it.

salvation mountain

The old man we met seemed very bored. Very just going through the motions. He told us how he built some of the stuff inside, with old tires and things like that. He was excited that his mountain is getting more interest by people, but just sat back down and didn’t say too much. I really really wanted to ask him about his vision and what keeps him motivated, but… I couldn’t. My co-workers were standing around and ready to go and it didn’t really seem like the time to ask a question like that. So, I was at a place called SALVATION MOUNTAIN and didn’t even get a chance to ask the man who built it about it.

Okay in the beginning of this trip I was depressed. I was reaching out, searching for meaning. I wanted someone to talk to, someone to connect to, something to make sense. It didn’t happen. Instead, what I learned from this trip is that even if you are depressed and trying to find meaning in life, something lame with come along and bug you so badly that you can’t even keep your head on straight to be depressed. All I could think about was the ridiculousness of these people and their selfishness. I suppose that it definitely took the me out of my depression. I couldn’t even think straight. I tried to – but I just didn’t feel right being here with no one to talk to, and my mind is too mush to make sense of things right now.

dead fish

I really really want people. I want to have people around. I want to have friends. I really do. I think that I learned that out here too. I am little miss independent all the time and want to always to everything by myself. I never like to think that I really need anyone. I am sure that if time permitted, I probably could have gotten through this okay – but without having friends or someone to text or maybe talk to every once in a while, I don’t think I would have rationally made it through this trip. I do want friends and I want people. I still have a hard time saying that I need anyone… but I am leaning closer towards needing after this trip. I can’t wait to get home…. And just be. I suppose that’s all I can do – combined with where we have been. Where have we been? If there’s more, there’s more. If there isn’t… there isn’t?

the wisdom tree

AHHHHH!!!!!!!

So – I am sitting at my apartment – looking around it. Thinking about what I should be doing today…. cleaning my room … dishes… packing for the salton sea trip.

I spent the weekend with my friend Jenn and that was a blast. It helped me to escape from reality a little bit. I fell off my rocker last night though at the bar – don’t remember the latter half of the night – but sources confirm that I was just smashed. I didn’t do anything that I should be disappointed about so that’s good.. I mean, besides actually being drunk. I shouldn’t have taken shots… that just put me over, but patron is sssssoooooo good.

Anyway – back to my reflection…. so I am pondering all these things I should be doing … and it’s just like the motivation isn’t there… I still believe that I am in a mild state of depression. That is such an odd feeling for us to have isn’t it? Some people are so willing to feel depression but less willing to feel love… it’s like – depression is more concrete. We have defined it with chemicals and science….but.. it’s a feeling. Just like love. We can’t take an emotion – like depression … and scientize it .. it doesn’t work, that’s like making a pill to fix people who are in love – crazed obsession type love. If they can give you a happy pill to “fix” your feeling – then why can’t they give you a pill to “fix” love? Emotions rule our lives…

and speaking of emotions…. I’m still not feeling many. Although I do have to say that it really was great to see Jon yesterday. I miss him a lot. This year has been rough for a lot of people and I actually felt positive to talk to him a little bit. He has been a friend for a very long time….

Back to “life”. I need to take a nap today – I feel hungover. ha. How’s that for feeling?

I always figure everything out. I always get by. I know that this won’t be any different. At least I have that in my mind. I just don’t know where to go with it.

My attention span is like that of a gnat.

Where am I going with this? Who knows. This blog is like my life. All over the place. AAHH!!!!

when life happens….

Everybody goes through things every day that helps to mold the reality they live in. When I am on the bus, walking down the street… I listen. I listen to people and what they are going through. I try to figure out or imagine how that person is feeling or what could be going on. When I see people on the bus with a scowl on their face, or looking at the window longingly … I sometimes want to go ask them what’s going on in their head. I don’t know why I want to know. I think maybe just the desire to have a greater understanding of the humans. ?? I also love watching human interaction because everyone is so different. Even me. I question myself a lot of times and sometimes I wonder if people see me and wonder what’s going on in my head…. or if they are just so wrapped up in their own ?? Anyway — just some thoughts I wanted to throw out there.

I am still freaked out by Friday when I was crying like a maniac – I don’t think I have ever cried like that in front of someone else before – ever. I think it was one of those things where I started crying about one thing – and then my friend was asking me about my brother (who died this year) so I started crying about that – and then he was asking me about the rest of my family so I started crying about that – oh man I was a blabbering mess. I should feel okay about it but for some reason I feel like I was weak and shouldn’t have shown that side of myself… but then again – I guess it’s okay to cry sometimes like that? It was a new experience for me lets just put it that way. If clarity is less than confusion than process. I am currently processing.

carrots, brussel sprouts and yogurt OH MY!

Okay so I have been going to the gym regularly lately and also trying to watch what I eat. I have been trying really hard to stick to vegetables, fruit, yogurt and salads – but it’s driving me crazy!! I don’t know how many more carrots my body can ingest. I mean, I love carrots, but I feel like I can taste carrots all day long.
I have lost inches, a few pounds and gained a ton of muscle, so I know it’s working. But it’s harder than I thought. I am looking forward to spoiling myself soon and just going all out and eating something crazy. I ate a cookie the other day and it actually hurt my stomache. Very odd. I am really enjoying this self control thing and just seeing how much I can hold myself back and control my impulses/emotions/life. I am usually much more of a push-over, but I can feel a major change this past year. The first 5 months sucked so bad, but now everything seems to be clearing up. I am experiencing things that I have never in my entire life experienced and feeling emotions that I didn’t know exsisted! New emotions mind boggle me, and as soon as that happens I try to instantaeously figure them out (what they do to me) and what brought them on and identify the feeling for future reference. Kind of like a “feeling bank” where I put everything. I am usually very good when I already know a feeling to control it, but when something is new, it completely blindsides me. There have been a lot of new things lately so it’s been interesting to sort through and figure things out.
Ugh my tummy kind of hurts. Maybe all those carrots aren’t such a good idea. Is it possible to overdose on carrots?
Anyway – things are good. Just busy busy busy as usual. This week I have really lost track of time and seeing that it’s wednesday already – I don’t have much time to get things ready for my shows this weekend.
I am still motivated, optimistic and excited for the future. Grounded.

much too much

I sometimes feel like I am too much for myself sometimes – I can see how I would be that way for someone else.

I have found that most of my really good friends – that have seen me through the worst of it all – still aren’t really that close. They all seem to still be a little distant. Or maybe that’s just me — thinking that they aren’t really what they should be at this point. Does how long you know someone really factor into the depth of the friendship? I go through stages with friends, where I will hang out with a certain group A LOT then not at all – then see them around randomly, then maybe a year later hang out with them again .. is it because there aren’t really people who can hang out with me on a consistent basis for longer than a few months? It’s possible, probably because of my ‘independence’ and anger when I feel like I need someone to lean on – even though I know we all need it. I suppose I shouldn’t take it out on other people…. but that’s probably why I have been “alone” my whole life. Eh.

Maybe I am getting all loopy because I am sweating so much and can’t really sleep since my apartment is a furnace (even at 1030 pm)…. I need to get to bed.. I have to get up early and I have a ton of stuff going on the rest of this week. Just… breathe… okay okay there we go… breathe in.. breathe out… ahhhh

can I get a what what?

Sometimes I feel like I have more control over myself than I know…. and other times I feel like a dumb idiot who has no self control. Alcohol is a bitch. Have one or two and you feel good. Three or four and you start to lose control… five or six and you’re done for.

Some people say when you drink, the “real you” comes out.. the real feelings…. some people say when you drink, the worst of yourself comes out.. or the best. For me…. you never know. It could be good… it could be bad. When it’s good…its great. but when it’s bad… its REALLY bad.

I am just appreciative of everything that I have and every opportunity I have to spend with my friends and have a good time and be happy. These days should be every day. I try to be the best friend I can be, and be there for my friends if they need anything. I do, however, need to work on my self control when in drinking situations. I have such a hard time when I feel really intensely passionate about something to not let it come out in that sense when I have a few drinks. I love life. Apparently I am intimidating? I should just feel things out and work harder on my brain/mouth control. I tend to say things before I think about them – something I do even when I am not drinking.

Anyway — life is good. Tomorrow is another day. Time to get some sleep.