why do I?

Writing is therapy. Writing is a way to get things out. I like to post and write on here because I don’t think many people read it. I feel like I get to just say whatever and it just goes out to the internetz.

Today I am working. At a coffee shop – I have a few hours before I pick the kid up again from school. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to do anything.

I am such a downer lately I don’t even want to talk to my friends because I feel like I am complaining too much. There is a sense of loss of control (still) and confusion in my expectations (whatever those are).. and doubt.

Doubt sucks. I don’t know the purpose of doubt. It’s not helpful. It causes worry, anxiety… I guess at the root of it, doubt is fear. And fear is there to show you what you are insecure about.

The insecurities are growing. As a mom, as a partner, as a person. Since becoming a mom and becoming a shell – I am really struggling to have a positive happy attitude. Gratitude is a great place to start. I like to say fake it till you make it but what if you fake it till you break it?

Sometimes I feel really broken… even in a temporary state. I appreciate my life and I am doing the best I can with what I have. That’s all I can do.

Joyous and Free

For years I was alone,

Joyous and free,

unlimited netflix,

unlimited wine.

plans abound,

friends around,

money for everything,

now it’s all gone.

the changes are real,

plans are a joke,

I hit a 180,

shit I had a baby,

wham!

instant family of 5,

soulmate entered,

woah I feel alive,

what happened to the world?

It’s always been this way,

I just couldn’t see it,

I remember the days of,

joyous and alone,

but it was control not joy,

as my world spinned out of orbit,

throwing me into a place of unknown,

feeling like my life was untouchable,

now I’m somewhere else,

it’s a world I’ve never known,

with you,

with even more joy and less netflix and wine. ❤

A message

We are not who we think we are.

We are not anyone. We are only the moment that we exist and the light within us. Our idea of a label merely serves our ego. What if you were just you. Nothing more, nothing less.

Labels are fun, but they don’t truly define us. Labels come with expectations – they come with reasons to do things. They come with justifications and answers. Labels give us answers, but they aren’t really answers. They are only feeding our ego to which we crave certainty. Labels give us certainty. Safety.

But… the labels create unhappiness. They make us compare each other, they make us believe things about ourselves because of that label.

Can we live happily in uncertainty? We create the idea of certainty because it gives us peace and stability. Makes us feel…. safe. However, as we know, our lives are changing, growing, evolving at all times.

Acknowledging the change – and recognizing that the unknown, the uncertainty is not a negative thing, it just exists, as we do….

Can we PRACTICE PRESENT PATIENCE? Can we allow, without labels or judgement to exist within each moment?

Can you try?

I see me

I am absolutely fascinated at the growth and change that is happening in my relationship. I have never had a healthy relationship before… so I never knew this was possible. To talk things out. To feel upset and then everything is still okay.

We had triggers and blow outs and fighting matches growing up. I never knew that I could disagree…talk through it (no fighting)… and come to a resolution. That I could face my fears and my demons and trust that there will still be a relationship tomorrow.

Abandonment is a bitch!! It has allowed me to put up with the most horrendous relationships and people… all because of fear, low self esteem and sadness.

I no longer allow fear to guide me in my relationships. I feel strong, secure and proud to have those in my life who love and care about me. I am worthy and alive and happy.

A new path

“Do you trust me?” He asked.

I stalled. I panicked.

If it took to long to answer maybe he wouldn’t believe me.

But I’m scared. I’m terrified.I don’t know that I’ve ever trusted anyone.

I don’t even fully trust myself sometimes.

“Yes.” I said.

“I love you” he replied.

My heart beating outside my chest.

I don’t know if I can do this.

Did I lie?

Then I remember all the loss

All the grief

All the disappointment

From trust.

I loved to trust those who hurt me. It was a vicious cycle to keep me alive.

Hurting, but alive.

I’m free now, free of that vicious cycle

How can I trust myself with how I’ve trusted before

This is different

But will I ruin it?

I ask, “Do you trust me?”

“Yes” he replies, not missing a beat.

At least I’m not alone.

A new beginning.

I won’t be sorry that I couldn’t be whatever it is you wanted me to be

I’m just the person that I am

It’s not fair that I wanted you to change for me

OK I know that I’m alright

I know that I’m getting it now

This fight of being so one sided it hurts

To know that all this energy and all this time never really meant anything to you at all.

Maybe I’m just overthinking

I know better, maybe I don’t

Could use some time to figure out what’s going on in my head

I keep thinking about how things are the way they are

Not the way I want them to be and that’s OK

Because I’m tired of using all this energy

I can’t say that it was wasted but

I’m not sure where it went

Chasing

I spend my whole life chasing what I want. Chasing. Tenacious they say, motivated they say, a go-getter. I am just a chaser. Chasing everything, keep moving forward, not looking back. Sometimes I do look back… but I never want to go back. Pursue, chase, pulling and pushing.. seeing things in fast motion, slow down. I literally chased my dad. Literally.

No wonder I run after love, no wonder I am scared to let it come to me. I have no experience with the latter. Very minimal experience to back up the latter. When I think I have something I cling to it… because I am scared of losing it, but when I lose something.. I am okay. So what am I scared of? Not being love? But.. I am loved.

We’re never alone. We are all connected. We are all one. Not being loved romantically? That is what I am scared of. It has to be.. and I cling to it because I never had it stick around. I want it for whatever time frame that I can have it. I don’t get the longevity.. or not to feel like I have to cling to something, begging, desperate, alone.

At the same time, I am so overwhelmed with joy sometimes I take it all in and somehow for a little while it fills that void. This void of love from a man, that attention – not just the love I have to be doing something – that if I don’t do these things I won’t have the attention. My mom would chase/cling to men too. There has to be a way to change this behavior. It isn’t healthy to feel like you have to cling to someone and beg and chase someone around to get them to like you or want you. Our lives pass by, the days pass quickly.

We go about our days and have experiences and we forget about past experiences or we create and pursue other experiences. We create our realities. We are all here together and we are all connected. Each day passes, another day arrives and time keeps passing. The clock keeps ticking. Another moment arrives, another moment has passed. Lift for it but patience, every moment is a new possibility. Every day brings new possibilities. To stop. To be. To let yourself be. To not chase myself around.

Overwhelmed

It’s been a while since i wrote anything on here… Last night I sort of had some very weak moments… I drank too much, I got emotional, I cried a bunch. Now I am at work. My  mind is all over the place and it is hard to focus. I think if I write this out maybe it will help me to get my mind off of last night. I didn’t want to have expectations… I wanted to have a fun night… yet it wasn’t exactly that. I am still trying to figure out what was going on with my emotions and what I was expressing. I felt very vulnerable… while Joe was comforting and sweet – and there for me… something about it.. it just felt different.. My heart didn’t really feel in it… or maybe it was just cause I was drunk. I should have known where it was heading when I started getting anxiety about picking him up… that I was going to get emotional. I should have restrained myself from drinking so much …but can’t change that now. I did like having him around… it just had been so long since we had spent any time together, maybe I felt pathetic. I was over-thinking all day. Now I am probably over-thinking too. I need to focus on work. I wish I didn’t have to be here right now. I don’t feel well. My body is tired and my mind is just all over the place. I still don’t have my car – it has been at the shop since Friday morning. Maybe I will go home at lunch…maybe my car will be ready by lunchtime and I can go pick it up and go home :-\  bleh…I don’t even know. I would love to be able to process whatever these emotions are that I have… I don’t even know what they are right now. 

I see the light

I have discovered a program by Rori Raye… called Love Scripts for Relationships. It has changed my life. Literally. It has given me the insight to see how my actions have been perpetuating this constant cycle of miscommunication and arguing… and has helped me to dig deeper into my actions and dig deeper into my feelings. 

It makes me THINK about what I want to convey before I speak. It makes me stop myself before I speak… and decide, am I saying what i want to say?

I am blown away at change that has happened in our relationship just in the past week. It is fascinating and I feel free. I feel good!! 

By following her four rules:

1. don’t try to control your man

2. don’t try to control the outcome

3 stop yourself before you criticize, advice, judge, warn, coax, suggest or complain

4. learn to take no for an answer

—-

It makes you really think about it… and what you are really feeling.

exhausted

So I give him an ultimatum that he needs to MAKE TIME for me and what does he do? He tells me that I am rude and dismissive of his feelings….. 

He is TRYING to fight with me. I really don’t care about your friends computer or the components he put in it, or what he made it out of blah blah .. blah blh blah blh blah blah blah blah blah blah… I am on my work break at lunch.. I already listened to all his other ideas… so ..,. not only instead of being more loving and caring to show me that he cares, he FIGHTS with me.  HE FIGHTS WITH ME. 

I don’t know what that means and frankly I don’t care. He said i was being rude .. he says I tell him to “shut-up”… I have never told him to shut up ever. It isn’t fair… he is accusing me of being all these things that I am not. There is NO way to tell him I am not interested in what he has to say. He takes it SO personal. He thinks that just because I don’t happen to be interested in a certain topic that I am NOT INTERESTED IN HIM or what he has to say. 

It is totally irrational. Being not interested in a topic DOES NOT mean that I am not interested in him…but I can’t sit and listen to him go on and on and on about something. 

I can’t believe he turned this around on me.. he is so manipulative .. he is finding a way to make ME in the wrong so I feel bad .. instead of acknowledging that HE is in the wrong. He hardly ever acknowledges he is in the wrong. 

I will say right off the bat if I am being rude. I may have been rude to him, but can he seriously not handle even a little bit of someone being rude?! Why does everything all the time have to be perfect?! I am not allowed to get irritated or angry or anything like that. AAARRGGGAAAHHH!!!!