not again….

It is true. if it is this hard now… is it really going to get easier??!!

After over a year – he still dismisses my feelings and won’t man up to his behavior. 

He acknowledges that what he is doing is “not fair” and/or “not right” to me….yet he still does it. I just can’t imagine what the future may bring, and not in a good way 😦

My hope for a future has dwindled down to nothing. I don’t know if he is capable of stepping up to the plate and raising his own bar. Raising his own bar so that he can change his behavior for the better.

I can’t force anyone to do anything… and somehow I run into this problem all the time. I need to stay calm and just give him space to think….actually to give ME space to think. It does come down to him being dismissive….but I don’t think he is in the right frame of mind. 

He wants his cake and eat it too. All I write about is how HE is feeling… I should write about how I am feeling.

I feel used, taken for granted and under-appreciated… I feel like a fly on the wall, I feel like I am not important…. I feel like #28475893 on his list. I am angry that I didn’t get a new years kiss again. 

You can’t get back time…. you can never get back moments. I am angry for missing a new years kiss with ANYONE. It is a fun tradition and I missed it. 

I am so angry for him not being what I want him to be… oh… wait… um… I am angry that… uh… I am angry because I want to be picked up from work on time, because I want a boyfriend that wants to cuddle and lay with me.

I am frustrated with my own inability to stick to what I say… to stick to my boundaries when I set them. I am mad that I allow myself to be molded and shaped by how he wants to treat me instead of sticking to what I know is right. 

I am angry that I have compromised my own wants and needs for him. It makes me resent him… even though HE didn’t do anything. That is exactly the case. He hasn’t done anything. My resentment comes from me being angry that I can’t just say NO. That I can’t just deal with the situation in a rational manner. That I allow a MAN to have that much control over me and my decisions.

I am angry at the situation – he just happens to be the focus…because it is in my face.

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy what I enjoy without letting someone else bring me down.. it is a vicious cycle. I want a partner who enjoys doing the same things I do… so that is why I take offense to him not joining me in activities I would enjoy. I am frustrated that I don’t have more accountability for why I feel the way I do… and it is true.. I am the only one making myself feel this way…BUT that doesn’t excuse him to treat me however he wants. 

This is interesting.

uncertian

I took a big step yesterday. I moved out from my boyfriends house after almost a year. I don’t want to break up with him. I still love him very much… but his problems and his issues are too much for me to handle on a day to day basis. I am unable to detach myself from his problems while living under the same roof…..because his problems over time start to become my problems… his schedule, his sleeping patterns, he makes bad decisions, does things that are self defeating and hurts himself emotionally, he can be very negative and depressed….very unhappy despite how good things may be. 

There is nothing I can do for him. I can’t cheer him up, can’t get him to see that things aren’t so bad, can’t talk any sense into him when he is in a funk, but I love him and to see someone you love go through it on a continuous basis – and not receive any of his attention because he is so busy and wrapped up in his problems… it hurts so bad. So I had to leave and remove myself from the situation. He was not sleeping, not coming to bed, not eating very often… all sorts of things.. and I suspected some sort of drug abuse but I am not certain, I know that stress can cause similar issues.

I just want him to get better and take care of himself. He is an adult and will be 30 this year. I don’t know that me staying is helping. Although he told me many times he didn’t want me to leave, that he enjoyed me being around… there were times he would get upset and say mean things and I would feel so sad and rejected. It was horrible. 

I have been a back and forth sobbing mess. Sometimes I am totally fine then sometimes I think of little things that we did together and smaller day to day things that I will miss. Things like taking showers together or him never putting away any of his stuff but always hanging up my purse for me. Getting goodnight and goodbye kisses whenever I went anywhere…. so I remember the good things then I flip and remember the things that made me want to leave. 

I haven’t seen him in a couple days .. he has been working on a project out of town. I moved out while he was out of town… this weekend so I would have some time to decompress and get my stuff out… well most of my stuff anyway – not all of it. 

I am not sure what the future holds…. when I am rational and feeling good..this makes sense and I assume it is going to make our relationship stronger and more fun – and our time together will be more special. But then I get emotional and I start fearing the worst… that we will drift apart and the relationship will end or he will miss me and become upset that I left… he seems fine right now… 

It hurts me because I didn’t really WANT to leave. I did it because everyone told me that once I get out I will be able to gain a better perspective on things and things will be more clear and then I will be able to make better decisions for myself.. I understand that .. and I guess it was worth trying. I suppose there was enough truth to it for me to somehow force myself to move. I cried and cried and cried… and being over there it still feels like home. 

This is going to take a lot of getting used to. I don’t know how I feel about it yet… it has only been a day…I need more time and he needs more time for it to sink in. He hasn’t even been home yet.

I still miss him… but.. I missed him even when we LIVED together. He would be so busy and have so much to do and I would get cranky and upset because he wouldn’t spend enough time with me…I am antsy to see how things progress from here. We will be together a year on August 27th. That is only two weeks away…less than two weeks actually. I hope that this step back will help us enjoy each other more with less pressure. 

I want this to be some time we take for ourselves. For him to work on what he needs to and for me to do the same. I just got a new job and it is important for me to be able to wake up early and get ready and I also need to get to bed early and have less distractions. I worry too much about him when I am there and it winds up affecting my day. He tells me not to worry but despite that, my feelings don’t allow me to – not when I am seeing it every day. Now I won’t have to see it every day anymore. 

*sigh*

I just want to be happy and have a positive encouraging relationship. I want to make sure that this is going to be able to last. I want us to get through this rough time and hopefully this time apart will make us stronger… individually and also together. 

I hate that….

It really bothers me when people who are your “really good friends” use that against you when they are upset. I understand forgive and forget, but I really feel like I am being projected onto because of other people’s personal issues.

Anyway – I think I am going a little boy crazy lately and this is a very new thing for me. I have never really been actively distracted by men too much – but for some reason I’ve been just out and about and feeling like I could actually go on a date or two. I never date. I just don’t. I just have always kind of felt like when you met that person you’re supposed to be with – you’ll know .. and so dating around has never really appealed to me. But.. now I’m starting to think … crap! I have been single my entire life… maybe I should let myself date…? It’s the weirdest thing for me … so I guess I just have to try it out and see if I like it or not. There isn’t any other way to find out except just experiencing it I guess. Although – thinking about dating boys/men is starting to distract me. I know that I am a big flirt already so it’s just making it worse. oh geeze.

At least I am still doing what I need to do – taking care of work, and my shows. Working hard. I have two interviews next week (THANK GOODNESS) for new jobs since I lose my job in about a month.

I am antsy right now.

I took a nap in the park this afternoon and meant to only sleep for an hour but I wound up being out there for two hours…. it was actually kind of nice, but I wish now that I slept in the shade. I like being hot though. It feels good.

I went dancing again last night – I love dancing but I have to stop getting so intoxicated so that I can have more fun and not make an ass of myself or be dancing all up on people like I was last night. Not looking forward to those pictures. oh man. I asked Nick not to post them….but I doubt that he really cares.

Anyway – I better get back to work.